A
female
age
30-35,
*dwtampa
writes:My boyfriend of two and a half years told me yesterday he cheated on me.the thing is,we have a long distance relationship...we met over the computer and met for the first time in August.it was..an okay trip.i was startled by his appearance and wasn't attracted to him at first because he was bigger than i expected but i still loved him.we didn't get to do anything sexual like how we had hoped.and i admitted two weeks later to him that i hadn't felt attracted at first,but had been getting much more used to him in the last days,which hurt him deeply.and now i miss him very much,bigness and all.and his phone sometimes goes out because his mom doesn't pay the bill.that happened last friday and when we talked again yesterday,he told me he'd felt another womans breasts tuesday i think.i kinda went numb.he told me it was at his job,the woman had apparently offered i think,and he had groped her.i think through the shirt,he said all he saw was her bra.and he had only seen the woman a couple times in town before this.he told me was extremely guilty and wouldn't blame me if i broke up with him..but i couldn't.but now,i can't stop asking questions about it,i can't stop bringing it up.he says he's moved on from it and wants to forget it...but i can't seem to.it doesn't even seem like it's real,it feels like i dreamt he told me he cheated but i know it's real.before this he had always said he'd do the look but no touch rule.he told me he only did it because he'd had a weak moment and that he had so much sexual frusteration because we didn't do anything while he was here,and it seems masterbating can only help so much.it hurts he did this and i just want to get over it...i don't know what to do.i didn't yell at him when he told me,i was just silent,listened and cried.he had to force me to insult him a little,which was a..weak attempt.i only said two insults to him that i barely meant.i don't want to yell or insult him,and i don't want to break up.he promises this would never happen again.what can he,or i do to fix this?
View related questions:
breasts, broke up, cheated on me, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Currently being in a long distance relationship myself, of 18 months, I feel I can help with the perspective of our young "cheating" fellow. Quickly I'll just say coincidentally I met my sweetheart in August too how odd- And also, I'd consider MYSELF slightly overweight and unnattractive, as opposed to my beautiful SH (sweetheart). So using my experiences as a context maybe i can provide some insight?....
If my SH told me after our trip she didnt find me attractive at first but had "gotten used to it". I would quite frankly be devestated. It isnt purely a shallow thing, relationships can full well work without attraction even being a factor. However in my romantic case, I want to find a soulmate who adores and loves me, not someone who "copes" or "tolerates" my appearence. I want them to "want" me in more ways than one, and for me to ALSO feel that way towards them.
(Luckily if i may add some more personal information, my SH adores how i look, calling me insecure and delusional- which even scares me; seeing as i cant see anything good in my appearence, so much that i needlessly question her love (but thats mybe for another problem) sorry.)
But using my feelings above^ maybe you can see how this would affect his feelings? and especially his ego. Every man and woman wants to be lusted after by someone, especially those they "love". Love is a powerful emotion, and personally, i believe theres a difference between love and "obligation". I feel in LDR's theres a major problem in their functioning. Often those involved fall in a state of "Limbo- love" in which is completely solidifed OR washed away at meeting. Some people in brutal honesty, just feel "obliged" to stay with this person theyve devoted so much of their time to getting to know- despite some of their flaws. This really isnt healthy for both parties, and i really advise you to reassess your feelings for this guy....
Its not fair youd both go into a relationship devoid of attraction from one partner, youll ultimately become sexually frustrated unless youre both asexuals? Even overweight guys need some kind of sexual stimulation, and I fear, touching this womans breast was part of that.. and in fact spurred on by the major hit of you dropping such a bomb-shell on him. Seeing as he finds you attractive, I can understand his regret and sorrow.... but it's not really fair that he SHOULD feel that way considering you dont find him attractive anyways.
Another thing i might add is to consider the context of how and why he touched this womans boobs, and really, its not THAT big of a deal, its not like he purposely made out with the girl, or even went on to have sex with her (but i can understand completely your reaction, and your jealousy).... 2 years plus is a long time, and before either of you devote even more time to each other in such an "uncertain" relationship (do you plan to move to him, or him to you?, because eventually thats the sacrifise one of you MUST take).
I suggest you BOTH discuss together what you both want from this relationship, and whther you consider each other "the one"/ soul mate. Because really as harsh and rational as it sounds, LDRs are rather perfect in finding your Soul-mate, or a rocky and ultimately pointless "love affair with love". I really hope you talk about this with him, instead of JUST posting on here. ALL the best....
A
female
reader, kih88 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 It's too bad this happened, and I definitely don't want you to think the blame is on you for making the comment about not initially being attracted to him. Addressing that comment: I think you do need to be more careful about what you say; to you, the comment may have seemed simply honest but showing him that you feel differently about him now and that you care, but either way, every person, especially one with a girlfriend/boyfriend, wants to feel as though they are attractive and good enough for that person and other people, so the comment may have hurt.
Nevertheless, comment or not, your boyfriend should have shown restraint when given the opportunity to feel up another woman if he was seriously seeing you as his girlfriend. It is normal, as it would be for anyone, to feel jealous, disappointed, and upset. I do think, however, it was very good and honest of your boyfriend to come out and admit to you what happened and express his guilt about it. He's admitting he did something and wants you to know that he doesn't wanna hide it from you, and he wants your forgiveness. He could have much more easily just kept the whole thing quiet and not said anything, but he appears to care about you and respect you enough to admit to you his moment of weakness with that other woman. As unfortunate as the whole thing is, that's one thing to appreciate about your boyfriend.
Looks like he's already expressed his desire to put the whole thing behind you both and never do anything like that again. If you're willing to salvage and continue the relationship, you really need to find a way to let what happened go. It might not seem apparent how you to can kick out those "numb" feelings from your brain and heart, but try focusing on other aspects of the relationship. Talk to him more, if you can. Find new things to discuss and do. Stop dwelling on the past. If you keep bringing up the thing that you are both trying to ignore, you're just spelling disaster for the relationship and showing him that you can't move past it--which basically equates to you being unable to extend another chance for him to re-earn your trust and prove himself to you, and the relationship will die off on its own.
Not that this is an excuse for why your bf did what he did, but it makes sense for a long distance relationship to be very difficult for the parties involved. It is true that you can't physically express your love as easily as lovers who live close to one another. If you are interested in adding some sort of physical aspect to the relationship, I've heard that "cybering" or webcam play can help with that, and maybe you will feel like you're remedying the perceived "sexual frustration" problem you mentioned. Only do this if you want to and would be comfortable with it! It's not at all mandatory; just like real sexual acts, cybering, etc. needn't be forced.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Dear,men will always be men.they're not saints you know.
If i'm a man then my girl told me she's not attracted at me then for sure i'll find someone who could make me feel attractive.Anyways,as i've said.
Men are very very different t women.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Technically, and depending on your definition, he in no way cheated.
He probably just gave them a quick squeeze. It happens. Not nearly enough to me, I'm afraid.
But when someone at the Oscars cops a feel of an actress' tits, no one complains about cheating there.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): So, he lives a long way away, is overweight and you had told him you didn't find him attractive? Honestly, if I had my confidence knocked down as badly as this, I would also be more than willing to see another woman who could make me feel better about myself.
First, you need to be really careful with him. If you really do want him then you need to get on your knees and tell him that you love him and that you are totally attracted to him. This is what he needs to hear from you.
Otherwise, let him go. It may just be better for both of you.
...............................
|
