A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was 1000% commited to leaving my marriage. I have filed for Divorce 6 months ago. I am not happy about it. I did not ask for what has happened. My wife, who I have many many past hurts against such as she is very abusive, including physically. She is a control freak and manipulatiive. Basically, it's been a rough 20 years. She cheated on me 10 years ago. I took her back. A year ago she broke the law and is in major trouble there. And 8 months ago I caught her talking on the phone to the lover from the affair. We have two teenage children. A daughter 16 and a son 13. Wonderful kids. I love them more than anything else. My daughter has chosen to live with her mom mostly. Citing she is more comfortable there and does not want to go back and forth. She says she doesn't hate me.I just reached a point where I could not take anymore hurt and betrayal and insanity with my wife. I just want to leave in peace.She has made it pure HELL. And my question here is:My kids are begging me to give Mom another chance. I did 10 years ago. FOR THEM. We have been in counseling now for 5 months. I am not feeling anything but fear and loathing about going back.Why can they not see I cannot take anymore? Can't they see what she has put us all through? She has destroyed our lives with her crimes. I have lost everything. Yet they have hope we will be a happy family again. They don't realize, I was mostly always unhappy with this woman. But I hung in there and tried the best I could. I've never cheated or abused her. How can I make my kids understand, accept and not hate me? I need to pull the trigger and get this divorce finalized. I've been stewing in this and miserable too long....HELP!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Be the best father you can be.
Just not with her.
Be there for them, day in and day out, year after year, and they will understand in the end.
Kids always figure it out, whether we like it or not.
Take your kids to counseling with you, either with or without your wife. They need to know that you care, that makes a difference for the rest of their lives (knowing that you care).
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Kids are selfish bastards, as a parent you must realize this.
This is not talking trash about your kids, but for any child, parents are providers of food, shelter, cash and STABILITY. It is only much later that children become capable of understanding others people feelings, emotions, needs.
Kids above all else want stability. For things to stay the same. Their entire world is always changing so they want mommy and daddy to remain frozen in time. They MIGHT complain their parents are boring but don't try to change, they will resist.
Your kids think that somehow if you two only went back together things will be stable again. You are unhappy? Yeah, but you were stable unhappy. It is what they know.
AND THERE is the danger. Monkey see, monkey do. Kids that grow up in bad environments, grow to think that this is normal. When people stay together unhappy for the kids, they are providing an example that being unhappy is the expected state in any of their future relationships.
The daughter who watches her mother being beaten, grows up to cling to guys who are abusers. The son who sees his father taking crap, takes crap.
What can be done? Very little. If you go back to her, you set the wrong example. If you don't, you give the example of a typical broken family.
So what choice is there for the sake of the kids? Pick the one that at least makes you happy and therefor not a miserable bitter dad. You two together isn't going to work, so try something else. It might not be perfect but life rarely is.
When you talk to your kids about what has happened, don't be bitter, remember that to them, she is still their mother with all the emotion that brings including societies expectations of how we think about mother. In time your kids might understand or might not. All you can do is try to be there providing as good a role model as is still possible. No guarantees it will all work out, but then there never were. But I can assure you that being miserable in a marriage is not the answer.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I can relate to your children. Truth is they will never really accept it, even after you moved out and in your new home. It's hard to swallow bouncing from house to house, the fear of mom or dad bringing home a new girlfriend/boyfriend and not really wanting to give them a minute of your time. Divorce is harder the older the children are, because they don't know it any other way. They never pictured their parents would end up like their friend's parents and coming from a broken home. Wish they could turn back time and do it differently, sometimes blaming themselves, maybe they weren't home enough to have family time. Staying together for the kids is the biggest mistake you can make, it will still be the same thing even when they're old enough to move out of the house.
My advice to you is don't talk badly about their mother just state due to reasons you don't love her anymore..and you want to be happy and so does she but you guys just aren't happy together. Don't tell them all the details the less they know the better, maybe they will understand when they're older but right now isn't the time. Just make this as drama free as you can make it, stay civil, and don't lose sight of your children. No matter the age, don't let them see the nasty side of divorce...have them come over every other weekend or whatever schedule works for you, make it fun plan activities they'll be into, have their bedrooms ready to paint or makeover, home improvements can be fun..Over time they will see this is for the better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Sounds like the wife is saying things about you to them. I would maybe tell them the honest truth if you think they are old enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Do you have the possiblity to go to counseling with your kids? This would be a great way for them to hear your side of the story in a controlled environment.
It is not selfish to want out of this marriage.
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