A
female
age
41-50,
*ot confusious
writes:This is long and confusing and hard to put everything into context but in a nutshell - i am totally confused about my feelings i keep having about my brother in law.History - I have been with my current partner for 15 years, we met at high school and i became pregnant at 17 and left school to raise my child. By 21 i had 2 beautiful daughters and raised them with the help of my parents and not much help from my partner. My partner came from a broken family and didnt have the upbringing i had so over the 15 years we have been together i have only met his mother and 1 of his brothers. So after a while i just disregarded his family as i didnt think id ever meet them.Our relationship has been on the rocks for over 2 years now and throughtout the whole time we have been together, he has never treated me or my kids right and have only now just realised (by researching the internet) that i am in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was a physically abusive one until i took him to court now he doesnt hit me just emotionally abuses me which i believe is worse.1 year ago we finally met his elder brother whom did not grow up with them. Him and i would chat online and get to know each other. He was very interested in my children as he feels he missed out on them growing up. Over time, we formed a great relationship and felt i could tell him anything..like a friend. He showed me a side that i had been craving in my relationship that i never had - emotional support and understanding. My partner realised we spoke often and instantly didnt like it. He began distancing himself from his brother so we stop communicating, but this made BIL angry because he knew what my partner was trying to do. I have developed strong feelings for my BIL now which im sure he has to..or is it lust on his part??He is in a relationship and will never show or tell me his true feelings as he is loyal, honest and trustworthy and cares deeply for his partner. He is so talented which makes him so much more appealing and he helps me understand some of my feelings. Not a day has gone by when he hasnt texted me except for today...and its hurting! (I know stupid feelings)I know i have no right, but lately he has been sending me confused as feelings... If he texts me and i dont text him back right away, he will get grumpy and think im avoiding him. Its like he plays games with my head as well, i get feelings when he is trying to make me jealous or trys to get a "bite" from me by mentioning other girls etc...drives me crazy!Why does he do this? He also gets angry when i talk with his partner instead of him..and questions me if i go away. when i go away for weeks at a time, he limits his contact with me! I thought he was a friend but sometimes his actions make me think otherwise.i am 32 this feb and the only relationship i have ever had is with my current partner. I have been totally loyal and honest with him but i hate that i am still in this relationship. Does BIL have feelings for me?Why does he send such confusing messages and feelings?Please only leave advice - i have been dealing with this for a long time to know that im treading on thin ice and its consuming my much of my day thinking of it! I dont like these feelings im having and am here more for support...who else can i talk to about this crazy situation - so if you are here to bash on the chic who is out to ruin lives, please dont respond.Im desparate to understand not only my feelings, but those of my BIL. I want to get over these feelings and move on with life as i feel this is holding me back.Oh by the way, i am leaving my partner.
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female
reader, not confusious +, writes (3 January 2010):
not confusious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon,
thanks for that - i too thought the same thing about BIL showing signs of being controlling. The thing with the brothers is they never were bought up together. BIL was adopted when he was younger. Im not looking at jumping into another relationship either especially with BIL.. he is already in a loving relationship. You are very right though about the emotional trauma and the need to look elsewhere for support. I only opened up to BIL cause he got it out of me. I dont open up to people easily hence the reason im here lol. Thanks for the advice.
A
female
reader, not confusious +, writes (3 January 2010):
not confusious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much "caring guy" your words were like a breath of fresh air and confirms what i thought i should do. It is so hard to leave a relationship especially without the support of anyone. I have not involved my family as we go through the same thing, kind of like a vicious cycle and they just get sick of our shit really, so im doin it on my own. Its good to get support form other people as it is usually genuine and most speak from experience. I totally agree with you where BIL is concerned and will work on it. Time for me and my girls.. Its great to hear such kind words and i am definitely going to take on board what you have said. Thank you so much x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2010):
I think that BIL represents an escape, and I think that's why you like him. He's been good to you, and you haven't felt that for a long time, so you're attracted to him. Don't worry, it's natural. That is only part of the problem though. Thankfully, you're leaving your partner. He doesn't' deserve another moment of your time. But I think the most important thing you can do is spend time on your own life for now, rebuild your confidence, enjoy some freedom and spend time on yourself and your children. You'll move on, and eventually when you're ready meet someone who does love you. but give yourself all the time you need.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Good on you leaving your abusive partner but it is no reason to jump into a relationship with his brother, who though he has been supportive of you has done wrong by negating your husband as your partner and installed himself in his place so to speak. HE ALSO SHOWS SIGNS OF BEING CONTROLLING WHEN YOU DON'T DO AS HE EXPECTS.I think you are dealing with a lot of emotional trauma right now and you would be making life for yourself more egregious to stay within the family of your husband for emotional support. Once you are independent of your husband take some time to get a break and cool your head and relax so as to get at peace with your inner being to show you what it is that you should really pursue for your well being and that of your children. Right now you are in an emotional dust storm and you can't see straight.
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