A
female
age
30-35,
*onely Cryer
writes:I'm 19 years old, and I need help. My boyfriend doesn't care about me anymore. I am pregnant with his child right now. All he does when he comes home from work is sit on the computer. Then it's bed time. That's it! And when we argue, he knows I go into another room to cry and he doesn't come to hug me, say sorry or anything I always have to build myself back up. He just goes to sleep. He talks mean to me a lot, like in a mean tone. I don't know what to do anymore. We get along in the bedroom sometimes. But what should I do? He couldn't care less if I cry uncontrollably. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Hello Hun, I'm sorry to hear what a rough time you are having - it must be very hurtful for you. The other replies have said some good stuff. He may be freaked out by the commitment of pregnancy/having responsibility for a child and all that comes with that ie staying in a long term relationship with one person. It's only natural I suppose and maybe you are feeling a bit like that yourself if you look inside you and think about it???? (smile - just a thought). HOWEVER, having said all of that, we cannot make excuses for him. Understanding the possible reasons for his behaviour is one thing, condoning it is quite another! We can't condone it because it's actually out of order. For a man to leave a woman in tears/in a clear state of distress, actually shows a cruel streak I think (with the exception of women who manipulate/cry to get their own way over every little thing/don't want to compromise, of course) and a cruel streak does not bode well for the future so you might want to think about whether you want to commit to such a man. Have you tried talking to him and explaining that his behaviour hurts you and be brave and tell him you don't want to continue in this vein. If you want him and want to work it out, you can let him know that but he needs to know he has to pull his weight too and he also needs to know that you CAN and WILL do without him if he does not shape up. This approach gives you strength and if he runs out on you cos he can't face up to this side of things, then he is weak and not much of a catch anyway. Communication is essential to all relationships. You are a young woman, carrying his child - he should be nurturing you and the baby and putting aside his own moods and issues to ensure you are both ok. You need to be stress free during this time because stress is bad for you and the baby. Whatever decision you make, make it for you and think about whether it is better for your child to have one parent who is loving and stable or two parents who are unstable because one of them (HIM) is behaving badly and this will ultimately cause you to become fed, unhappy, stressed and miserable and therefore not able to give your best as a parent. I read somewhere (in a psychology article i think) that 'if you have one really good parent you have more than most') - two parents is ideal if you get along and there are loads of happy couples parenting really well but staying with someone who has a cruel streak just for the sake of the baby having two parents together is not in the long term a good idea. Can you see a counsellor about this and get some support that way as well. I would talk to him, make it clear (nicely) what your boundaries are and what you want, listen to what he says as well and if you can see his point about anything, acknowledge it but be very clear with him that for a relationship to grow and a happy family life to sustain, he would need to behave acceptably. If he is doing this to you know, imagine what he would be like in 20 years - step back and think about this carefully. To be honest, it doesn't bode well and I would probably suggest having a break from him and concentrating on yourself and the baby - pamper yourself, get some support. There are loads of other guys out there who will be sweet and caring to you and baby. He's not the only man in the world and if he wants to see his child, you can come to an arrangement. I'm so sorry to be negative but it looks like he might not change. If he himself has been going through a depression or a 'phase' it needs sorting out. Do you think he will change? You know him best. Good luck and take care and don't take any nonsense. Some men can unfortunately be cruel, it's usually because they are screwed up and in secure but those men are blood hard work and it can more like a long term stressful project than a relationship - it ages you and stressed you out - do something nice for yourself today - cheer yourself up - i know it's hard i've been there twice!!! Take care, good luck, God bless and a big hug. Mail/post back again anytime if you want more support. xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Dearest Lonely CryerI know exatly what you are going throu im almost 21 and i fell pregnant at the age of 18 i was in a relationship for 3 years with the love of my life (who is the father of my child) he would treat me like gold but we would have our arguements too.. When i feel pregnant thing got even better for the first 6 months of my pregnancy but after that he just changed he went off me and would start seeing his friends.. One easter weekend he decided he would go on holiday wit friends who one was a girl that he had likes before he met me.. i beg him not to go but he did and he cheated on me.. my heart was crushed and i had my boy 2 weeks early.. he decided when my Son was 5 days old that he did want to be with us..till today i still and not sure why he ever done it to me but i had to be stron for my boy... I am a single mom who works for my boy i have though about us sorting things out for my sons sake but its really not worth it... No man is worth Crying over cause if he loves you so much why should he make you cry... You need to rely on your family and close friends stressing will not do much for you as its disturbing you baby and tense's your baby up...take my advise its not worth it he does not deserve you or your child let him sit witht hat regret your baby is more important now and worrying about him and hoping things will work is not what you should be doing... You have the better part of him that you will bring up and share alot of memories with.. so no matter what does happen you will have him in your life even if its friends its better than nothing...I really hope that you will consider you Baby's life here ...
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A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 HEY!!
A lot of men out there (not all DONT GET ME WRONG) but some, do have problems in saying they are sorry or showing emotion.. So that could be one of the reasons.. he probley feels realy bad for upsetting you and if he sees you then this may make him worse.. Talk to him before you go, you sit there and hug him, let him know how it feels to have a hug like that in an emotional moment..
GOOD LUCK! Feel free to mail me at any time x x x
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 March 2008):
 You are not being treated right as a young woman. Start working your way out of such a relationship and seek help from your parents or friends if you must. Nothing that you describe is even close to the way things should be, and there is much greater happiness in your future.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 March 2008):
 I have to ask you why you're allowing him to treat you this way. It's your decisions how people treat you. If they can't meet those requirements, you can then make the choice not to be around them. I'd tell him when he talks to you that way that you will not accept being talked to in that tone. You deserve to be treated better and you have the right to demand that treatment.
Relationships can be difficult. At times we allow others to treat us less than what we deserve. We compromise ourselves to allow this. It's not right, it's just the way we opperate. When being treated as poorly as you are, you need to realize two things. First, You don't deserve to be treated this way. Second, in a way you taught this guy how to treat you. We teach people by allowing the little changes to take place and then getting too comfortable with our new way of being. When this happens over and over again, situations like yours arrises.
If you demand this and he doesn't change, it's much better to be a happy single parent than miserable in a relationship. Your child, even with your crying and being unhappy will begin developing stress, because you are. After birth, if around stress and anger, you'll know by the child's behavior how being in this situation how they're affected.
I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Trinny*  +, writes (6 March 2008):
Take some time apart if you can.Mybe stay with your parents?
I know it's hard for you to make a decision so just try to take a break from it, leave him alone so he gains some prespective too. Then when youre not as emotional and he has had some time to miss you sit down and explain how you feel and try to work logically through it.Also remmeber your hormones are jumping up and down right now so It could also be that you are over-reacting.
All these stress can not possibly be good for the baby either so you REALLY need some time to cool down first.
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A
female
reader, alwaysndforever +, writes (6 March 2008):
Break up with him! I know you think I'm young but i am in an amazing relationship for 6 months now. It's soo untrue that fights are needed in a relationship and there normal. It's not normal.. we have never had one memorable fight in 6 and a half months and i am so happy i love him uncontrollobly and he would never make me feel that way. of course you probly want to stay together for your childs sake but most likely the split up when you get older will just be more detrimental and hurt the child more. you deserve better... not all guys are like that.... it really is the truth that there are good ones out there.. don't let that guy treat you like that.
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