A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am in my late 30's and am married to a man in his early 40's. My husband lost his beloved wife from breast cancer in 2007 after 15 years of marriage. He has two young children from his first marriage who I adore and have formed a very strong bond with. I have spent a lot of time attending counselling and therapy especially geard for children who are experiencing bereavement and loss. This has enabled me to use tools to help the children grow. I am extremely comfortable in speaking with the children about their mummy and I often explain to the children that although I didnt know their mummy, a part of me loves her as I love her children. I occassionally visit the cemetry and say a pray over her grave and I have also organised special religious services for her and organised to collect my in laws (as they do not drive) so they can also attend.When I first met my husband, it was 12 months after the passing of his first wife. Initially his first wife's ashes were in his home in which he lived with her, the house was still covered in her belongings such as her toothbrush, hairbrush, underwear etc, the only thing that was different from when she was alive was their marital bed which was placed in the backroom and he purchased a new bed. My husband explained that he didnt feel right having sex on their marital bed hence why he bought the new bed.When my husband explained that he wanted to create a room which was like a shrine for his first wife with her belongings etc, he also me asked for my opinion. I explained that being of orthodox background, I had the belief that when we die, we should go back to the earth in which we came from. I explained that this was just my opinion and by no means would I judge him should he feel differently. He still got upset with me and accused me of being jealous. I suggested he work it out himself and perhaps seek a professional opinion. He later spoke with two professional people who explained that the best thing for the children and him was to have the ashes buried especially if he was considering re-marrying. I remember one of the kids running up to the ashes and saying "mummy mummy, I found your glasses", I was very sad nd felt the children werent moving on. After a few months, he had her ashes buried as he felt it was the right thing to do.I believed that it was too soon (12 months) for my husband to move on and felt he was far from ready to move on. My husband is a very strong charachter and can be quite manipulative,that combined with stubborness and a huge ego who constantly explained that he was no longer grieving, and he had let go and was more than ready to move and reach for the stars with another woman.I saw so many red flags but was so confused with what he would say, his actions as far as affection that he has for me, it was almost like his mind, his heart and his actions were all over the place and contradicting one another.My husband for the first 3 months constantly spoke of his first wife, each time he would hold me he would say "I am so lucky to have had two of the most beautiful woman in the world", once he told me I gave the best cuddles in the world, I then jokingly asked "but I am the best in bed too arent I?". He responded by saying no, my first wife was better in bed but I hope you and I can reach the same level in the future.We found a house in which we moved in together (when we got engaged and 5 months into our relationship) as a transitional house however, my husband would still go back to his other house 3-4 times a week to maintain the house, put the garbage out (there was no garbage but he explained it was good from a security point of view to make the house lived in), he would clean the pool and generally spend time there. This went on for 12 months, he did not want to rent it or sell it. I was struggling becoming a single mum, I had given up my career to care for the children, we had a huge two storey house that was huge maintanence and our swimming pool would not get cleaned. I explained that I felt this was dysfunctional and something had to be done about the other house as we could not live like this. His solution was to hire someone to clean our pool and he would continue to go back to the other house. After many arguments, he placed the house on the market but, he changed the bar as far as price goes just before the auction and it did not sell.Whenever I would see his mum, she would constantly, I mean constantly talk of his first wife. I tried to embrace his friends and would receive comments from them such as "I just want to make it clear that I do not want to replace my friendship that I had with the first wife". During my kitchen tea, his mum and one of the first wifes fiends who he asked me to invite, sat there talking of the first wife and explaining how she should not have died and she should still be here. Hey, I absolutley agree, especially when she had two beautiful children but was this an appropriate discussion at my kitchen tea? His mums loungeroom was still covered in her photographs including a large photo of him on his wedding day with his first wife. I received grief from his'first wifes sister, I went through such a hard time with his best friends wife, he explained that at our wedding he wanted to invite his first wifes best friends who he also considered friends, he also wanted to invite the first wifes favourite uncle from overseas and it goes on and on and on.I have always been a confident person and have had high self esteem but I must admit, I am drowning. I believe in honouring peoples memory but living in a memory can be quite difficult. My husband has now left me after 17 days of marriage and will now constantly say we are not suitable and our personalities are different. He has explained that he had a wonderful life with his first wife and wants to continue the same life with another person. He does not agree that he needs to begin a new life or should let go of any of his past, he just needs someone to come and "fit in". This is hard for me as I am not his first wife.I agreed that the children should have photographs of their mummy in their rooms in our house and there should be albums for them to view whenever they wanted however, my husband also wants a photograph of him, his first wife and the children, "the way his familÿ use to be" in his office in our house. I thought wow, being open enough to want to go into my husbands office in our house and have sex with him on his desk would be extremely uncomfortable and felt as though I was being disrespectful to the first wife whilst I stared at her photograph whilst making love to my husband.Through my husbands actions and finding one day that he had taken some of his and the children clothes back to the first house, he has made it clear that he does not want to leave the house or it is too soon.If my husband had or will confess to needing more time, being caught in a grieving process or not ready to let go, the dynamics of our relationship would have been and would be very different however, he is absolutely 100% convinced that this is just his personality and he has moved on and he has let go.I welcome your thoughts and comments, help me, Im very hurt.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I am so sorry to read what happened to you. You have been a rock for him through all of this but the sad fact is he met you far too soon and wasn't over his wife's death when you got together.
His problem is that deep down he doesn't want to move on. He's still living in the past and is in complete denial and isn't ready to give up on his memories and move on. Him looking for another woman is definitely NOT the way to go as the same thing will happen again and it will affect his kids more than he knows.
He needs to go and speak to someone about his loss. He's putting on a front for you and for his kids but in reality it is still all very raw for him. He's going through a lot of emotions, pain, guilt, loss, denial, anger... and until he comes to terms with his emotions he'll continue to put his wall up.
All you can do (if you still want to be with him) is tell him that you're there for him if he ever wants to talk but he needs his space and it's imperative that he grieves properly but this will take time. Hopefully one day it will just all fall into place for him and he'll see exactly what he has lost (you) and if it's not too late and you haven't moved on then you can both start afresh.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with him having very fond memories of his wife, she's the mother of his children and they were married a long time but the reality is she is gone now and nothing he can do will ever bring her back again. He needs to come to terms with that for his own wellbeing and that of his children. Again, seeing a grievance counsellor is absolutely mandatory and until he does he will be stuck in this hell and will have lost you into the bargain. NO ONE can (or should need to) compete with a dead person! I hope it all goes well for you.
~Eve~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your time and responses. I understand that patience is a virtue but to what point does someone have to go to before the mental and emotional abuse drowns you and you lose yourself.
I agree my husband needs time and space, it is just such a shame that he hasnt reached the point where he can accept this and is absolutely adamit that he has let go and is ready to move on.
I sincerely worry for the children and am concerned as since we have seperated, he has stated that the children will be fine as soon as he finds another mother for them and is actively looking for another partner. I understand it is time to let go.
Thank you again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I am sorry that you are going through this, I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. I think at the root of the problem is the issue that neither your husband nor his relatives actually had enough time to grieve and get over the passing of his first wife, and in his haste to make out that "everything is fine", he didn't really give you any option but to go along with it. I do not think at 12 months he was in any way ready to let a new woman into his life and likewise with the 5-month engagement it all feels too rash. And it shows in his reluctance to remove memories from the life you share, such as photographs on his desk and the like.I do not doubt that you have more than enough patience and have probably put up with more upset than is permissible in normal circumstances. And it seems to me that you are quite accommodating in terms of allowing the memory of your husband's first wife to live on for him, for the children, but also for the commendable respect you seem to have for her. I can't really offer many suggestions here - I think counselling would be a great help, especially if there is a chance he might agree to go with you. And, like you, I remain convinced that your circumstances would have been very different if you had met later or if you had been able to have a longer engagement. Your husband appears to be in denial about how difficult his position actually is, and he will resist this acknowledgement to the end. He may be scared that if he allows the deeper feelings of loss to take over, he may well crumble. As things are at the moment, I think the main thing that might help you both will be time. Time for him to grieve and maybe to recognise that you deserve better from him and his family, and time for you also to gather your thoughts. You need to consider whether you are prepared to hang around until he is able to be a good husband to you, and whether you could bear to walk away from this family. A tough period of soul searching is ahead for you, and I wish you lots of strength and the very best of luck. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): He is not your husband. He is her husband, or at least thats how He (and others around him) see it.
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