A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years, we live together and have a 10 month old son. For about 7 years ive known a guy online, hes sweet and we phone each other constantly, before I met my boyfriend we were planning to meet up as we had fallen for each other.things are going bad between me and my boyfriend and this guy phoned me yesterday (unaware of problems at home) just telling me how much he loved me and needed to see me.I do have feelings for this guy, but obviously love my boyfriend, but things are that bad at the moment its making me confused about what I want.Should I meet up with this guy who ive had feelings for? or should I stay in a okay relationship. I dont want to risk losing my boyfriend if these feelings arent 100%x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Well get your boyfriend to agree to anger management then! Yes it is not a good environment for you son if there is a lot of anger in the house, but equally coming from a broken home and growing up without dad being around all the time is just as bad.
It sounds to me like you are looking for excuses to get out, because you are too afraid to simply walk away and be on your own. If your boyfriend agrees to anger management well that is a great start, and things will get better if he gets help for his issues.
However if you have already decided this relationship is over and you dont want to be there anymore - well you have to leave and be on your own, DO NOT leave him for another man as this will just end up being a rebound and will make the situation a whole lot worse. You have been with your boyfriend for a very long time and have a child together, therefore this relationship is very serious. If you do choose to end the relationship, you need time to get over it, time to work out the dad having access to his son, and time to heal. If you jump into another relationship right away you will only be hurting yourself and your son (it is not right to involve another man in his life so soon after his daddy has been taken away).
Think very carefully here - the ideal scenario would be that your boyfriend gets help for his anger issues and you work on the relationship together. But if you are certain it is over and you dont want to be him, you still should not get involved with this other guy as it is a really bad idea and will only make things worse. If you want to leave, then you leave purely because you want to, not because there is some other guy that you have mild feelings for over the last 7 years. As I said before - if he really was the one, or if it were meant to be with you and your online guy - you would have got together years ago. He is not the man for you, so dont try and convince yourself that he is right for you purely because of the problems with your boyfriend. He is just a distraction, he is not boyfriend material.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 my husband knew that I had a friend and what was going on... and i did NOT want to end my marriage. I had no idea how unhappy I really was till this new guy came into my life... while it was not his fault my marriage ended he was a catalyst towards the end...again I say that if you don't want to risk losing your primary relationship think long and hard about meeting this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to add, I would never cheat on my boyfriend. He knows everything about this other guy and my feelings, we talk about everything. But he has anger issues, and i'm sick of being shouted at everyday so when it comes down to it, id rather my son didn't see him punching walls.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 You can't go running for the hills every time your relationship hits a rough patch. All relationships hit rough patches now and then. It's fairly cowardly to ditch your boyfriend for someone else just because things got tough.
You need to try to work things out with your boyfriend first. You two have a child together, so you need to at least give it a chance. Running away from whatever's going on won't fix it, and you'd have rocky patches with your new boyfriend too. No relationship is perfect. If you run away every time things aren't perfect, you're going to be running forever.
Sit down with him and try to figure out what's going wrong. It's very helpful to occasionally check in with your partner (even though it can be a little awkward) to figure out what you need to work on. Relationships take work sometimes, and sometimes they can feel lukewarm. But that doesn't mean it's not working or that you should leave immediately. Just give it a chance.
If you give it your best shot and it still doesn't work, then you should break up, but not cheat.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
NO
not if your relationship with your boyfriend is OK and you are just bored.
why not?
because it will muddy the waters and cause problems.
I ended a marriage that was ok.. it was actually MORE than OK because I let a 3rd party into my heart.
I hurt my husband deeply... and I regret that....
had I not gotten emotionally attached to this man I would not have lost my marriage. and while I'm ok where I am most folks would rather salvage what they have if they are not all that unhappy....
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 May 2011):
You know this is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Please use your brains and be sensible. You're seriously suffering from the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome.
Someone you meet online is ALWAYS different when you meet them in real life. I've done my share of online dating and though I never really fell in love with someone online one thing was always the same: not one of those people I met online were the way I imagined them to be when I met them. Logical ofcourse, but worth pointing out.
Also, when you meet, then what? You think he's going to be like your knight in shining armor and start a new life with you and your kid? What about your boyfriend? Are you so weak you're just going to give up on him when things aren't going so well? Is that the kind of person you want to be? A quitter who doesn't know what loyalty is?
If you're truly unhappy you can consider ending the relationship and making it on your own. But your child will always be linked to him, so starting over is not as easy as it used to be. Whatever you do, don't become a cheater. Whatever your bf did wrong, he does not deserve that.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 May 2011):
One word - NO!
Do not, under any circumstances, meet up with this man. Otherwise you are just going to open a whole new can of worms and get yourself deeper into this mess.
At the end of the day, you love your boyfriend, live with him and have a child with him. You have all the basis here for a happy life with your family, dont bring another man into this to mess things up.
Yes you are having problems, and that is the only reason you are considering meeting this man. But instead of surpressing your worries about your relationship and thinking about this other man rather than dealing with your problems, what you need to do is talk to your boyfriend and work on your relationship.
Think about your child - he has to come first doesnt he? Does he not deserve a mum and dad who are together? How would you explain to him when he is older that you couldnt be bothered to work it out with daddy so ran off with another man? Does that really set him a good example of love and relationships?
You are only interested in this guy because you are having problems, he is a welcome distraction and you are using him to make yourself feel better while you are going through a difficult time with your boyfriend. You say you have been talking to him for 7 years, and only have been with your boyfriend for 5 - that means there was a 2 year gap where you could have given things a go with online guy. But you didnt - that speaks volumes. You dont love him or want a relationship with him, you could have tried that years ago but you never did because your boyfriend has always been more important. And he still is - you have just forgotten this and are consumed with these 'new' feelings for the online guy.
What you need to do is end this contact/friendship with the online guy. Send him an email or call him and explain that your son needs his daddy, and you still love your boyfriend so you want to give 100% at making this work. Hence you cannot have him in your life anymore, because it is getting in the way of your relationship. Then you must delete his phone number, email address, facebook etc so you never speak to him again. If you keep him as a 'friend' these feelings are never going to go away and you are never going to be able to focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. Yes cutting contact will be hard, but it is best for you, your son and your boyfriend.
Then sit down with your boyfriend and have a good talk about your problems, how you both feel and what you can do to make it better. Even if this relationship never works out, you need to be able to tell your son one day that mummy did everything she could to keep the family together, rather than just bail out and run off with another man. You have to try EVERYTHING before you quit this relationship, for the sake of your child.
So please, dont meet him, cut off contact with the online guy and focus on keeping your family together. These feelings you have for this man are only there because of the problems in your relationship, they are not real and not worth throwing 5 years and a little boy's happiness down the drain. That child needs his mum and dad in his life, and if they can live together and be a couple then even better. So you MUST do everything in your power to make this relationship work. You still love him - so there is something to be saved. Go to counselling, sit down and talk with him every night....whatever it takes to get your relationship back on track, do it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Relationships are not gonna be great all the time.
There are going to be rough patches. Lots of them. And how you deal with that will show what kind of person you are?
Do you really want to live knowing you are capable of cheating at the first sign of a swell in the ocean?
Or do you want to live a lukewarm relationship because of a sense of loyalty to it, and it's inhabitants?
Either break up and go with your desires, or stay and find a way to make the relationship you have full of excitement and fun and sexiness.
I would stay and re-ignite the fire that seems to be dwindling in your relationship. You got involved with him for a reason... you love him. And he loves you. Sometimes its difficult to remember that.
Flynn 24
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