A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. A week ago today I broke up with my girlfriend and for the first 2 days I was happy but as the days went on I've been feeling less and less happy. I started thinking it was a mistake to end it and now I miss her. I thought it needed to end because it was a 1 sided relationship with me doing most of the work to keep it going. She went to Spain saying shes going over to work but not knowing when shes returning was killing me. She even said at one stage that she might not come back. I feel even worse about the whole situation because I had to end it over email seeing as I couldn't call her or see her beforehand. I feel sullied doing it over email. It was dishonorable and cowardly but i had no other choice.I had been feeling very unhappy in the relationship for a while. 8 months ago, she became a prostitute, and I loathed her for it. Then in January she moved out of where we were living to move home, 2 hours away from me by bus. And she was abusive physically and emotionally. But even with all this I still feel bad about it ending.I don't exactly have a question, but I would like some advice. Please. Anything that might help
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@everybodyThanks for the help. Sincerely. It actually helps a lot.Also its not normal for me to feel like this. Ive been breaking up with girls since I was 13 and didnt feel this bad. And for all of them it was a face to face break up. So all this might be because i feel like i dishonored myself.Im not lonely. Ive been out on several dates since last week and have had 2 intimate encounters. I hang out with my friends the whole time and my cousin has been staying with me. Its not loneliness cos ive gotten used to being without her.I dont think anyone deserves the disrespect i gave her no matter how much they have wronged me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is just the normal procedure during break ups man. First there's the elation of freedom, then when the dust settles you begin to miss certain things about the relationship. That slowly gets worse over the next couple of weeks, your mind goes over every little detail, everything you could have said and done differently that would have made things "okay". It goes over the same events and situations time and again, it plays them all out with different conclusions based on things you think you should have said etc.The pain of these first few weeks is the worst, your heart starts to play tricks and question your decision because it pretty much begs you to do anything just to get rid of the pain, including trying to reconcile with her, get just one more week of being with her, give it another go etc. It will plague you with these thoughts for while but it will fade. The most important thing you can do is to stay out of contact with her for the next few weeks, if you start talking to her again then your feelings will just stay in this horrible limbo and you will miss her even more. Your heart will only see her as a thing of salvation and beauty when she's not that at all. The best thing to do is to stay no contact, look as bad as the thoughts are you have to let them run their course, don't fight them, don't try and ignore them, let your brain go over the entire relationship let it think of all those tiny annoying and painful details and it will burn itself out. That's how our brain deals with grief and loss, it's a naturally occurring defence mechanism. Most people don't understand, can't handle it or try to fight it, those are the people that you see that make stupid choices, such as going back to their ex, on/off relationships, going out on a binge of drinking and casual sex, have rebounds etc. You're just hitting the stage where your heart tries to convince you that life with her was worth the pain, it'll try and think of all the cool little things yee had and did, so it's important you balance that by reminding yourself of the bad things, the reasons you broke up etc.Get busy, get out with friends and burn their ears off about it, they won't mind and it will help. Talk to your parents, talk to anyone who'll listen. Whatever you do though stay away from alcohol for a while. By all means have a good 'oul session and get it out of your system but until you're mind has settled then don't drink regularly, you'll just end up doing stupid and dangerous stuff, or in the very least become a mopey annoying sap crying and whining about it constantly. That's okay to do sober but you know what it's like to see guys trying to get over their ex by drinking, the problem doesn't go away and drinking only compounds it.Give yourself a few weeks to feel like this, it will start fading after that and you'll start to feel a lot better. Just don't give in to your feelings, stay strong and don't get back in contact with her.
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A
female
reader, monicaeliza +, writes (17 May 2011):
I had an abusive boyfriend once. Like most relationship it started out great but slowly began to fall. He was abusive physically and emotionally. He would cheat, lie and was insanely jealous. There are certain people that have a power. Its hard to describe but when they have that power on you, you know it. I began to feel like the reasons he would cheat, lie, and leave me was MY FAULT. How could I ever allow myself to take that blame like I deserved it?? Its that power. You don't know how or when it happens but it happens. After breaking up for good, I felt lonely. Even though I knew he was out there making wrong decisions and doing things that hurt my feelings, I felt like I still needed him in my life. I would miss him terribly and struggle to keep myself away from him.What I did was cut all ties. I didn't talk to him. I didn't talk to people that talked about him or mentioned him. Eventually I started to realize that I never 'loved' him, or 'needed' him, and I ever felt like I missed him was simply cause I was..lonely. When you are in an abusive relationship and are the 'victim' you some what forget how to be as happy as you know you can be. Its okay to miss her and as much as I hate to say it, you're gonna keep on missing her for a while. The only advise I can give you is: do not get back with her. Specially if it was an abusive relationship. Everybody deserves better than that. You just have to know what YOU deserve and what YOU want in a girl. Don't date anybody else until your sure you don't miss her anymore. Go out with your friends, start a new hobby. Just keep your mind busy and analyze. Think of the morals and values you want you future girl to have, and do NOT settle for anything else other than what YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.With time you will thank her, for that abusive relationship that showed you what you don't need. Nobody deserves an abusive relationship, I've been there and is not pretty. You just got to love your self before you can love anybody else. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Long distance relationships can be tough, and without an end in sight (such as one person taking off for another country indefinitely) the relationship can't continue without some way of being together.
Further, why would she become a prostitute? It doesn't really matter if that's a job for her, it needs to be OK with you before she can suddenly go off and start having sex with other people. That right there would be grounds for breaking up for most people.
It sounds like you are not so much missing her as just feeling lonely. Try going out with friends, find something fun to do, take up a class. Try to get your mind off it. Remind yourself that you broke up with her for a reason.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 let me get this straight
you miss a woman who was/is physically and emotionally abusive to you...
she left you
she became a prostitute
and you miss her why???
my advice... get out with your friends... meet people
get on with your life... find someone who deserves your love and will love you back.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Hello,
I just recently broke up with my girlfriend too, i have been having the same feelings since the moment after i did it. I did break up with her in person, but i felt as though i made the wrong choice...
really, all you can do is reassure yourself that you are worth more, and that there is someone out there that will want to be with you and stay where you are. I tell myself that everyday.
the jealousy will get to you though, if your friends know her etc. like my ex-girlfriend, she has many friends that are my friends. all of my guy friends flirt with her and try to pick her up, and when i ask them not too, they get pissed at me and tell me they wouldn't do that (other sources tell me things they say behind my back etc. about my and how my ex-girlfriend is etc.)
you just need to try and get over it... its tough, but you can only try your best.
It's especially tough if your ex-girlfriend is very attractive, mine is downright sexy, nice bum, and nice breasts, pretty face, nice shiny hair... its so hard to get over it, but eventually, you will.
hope i helped
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