A
male
age
30-35,
*amani
writes:I am 17 years old and im gay. No one knows about this, only myself. Some people suspects that im gay, my friends even my girlfriend. I dont know wat to do or what to say cause it will be a disgrace to my family and to my community. It hard to accept it and every time i kinda feel lonely. For the point of correction i really love my girlfriend and at the same time im attracted to men. I never been in relationship with any guy but i wish and i want to feel how it like to be. Please help me out and be free. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, aim  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 ive been there and experienced that. you dont have to immediately declare to everyone that you're gay. maybe sharing my experience may help u.before, i was very secluded also with my being gay. had sexual attraction to men and 0 attraction to women. im manly in terms of actions and all, no one suspected a thing. still, it was hard not being able to tell anyone about it. i first told my closest friends. reactions were funny and they did not believe me of course. then from there i built my own confidence gradually. being gay is not something i have to broadcast to the world but if one asks if i am then i'd tell the truth.*side note. it was definitely hard for me at first to actually spill the "im gay" statement to my best friend. but i did. living a secret life is very painful and stressful. you wont be able to enjoy the life that is in front of you.hugs from a fellow gay friend. ;-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Being true to your identity is very important, however i know how scary this can be. I had gay feeling for all of my teenage years, and i only came out when i truly knew that being gay was what i wanted.
I know your scared that you will be lonely, but you might meet a man who will change your idea of being openly gay, you may even meet a girl who will change this.
Be comfortable with who you are. There are many forms of guidence for young gay men. Try finding some near you.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree  +, writes (28 September 2009):
Hi, I don't know your situation but I can tell you that having someone gay in a family is becoming so common that it not nearly the shock horror that someone about to come out thinks. I have a close friend that thought he should kill himeself rather than tell his family that he was gay. He had met someone and wanted to live with the man and thought his family would be incredibly devistated. As in your case everyone around him had the suspicion but he had been so self-involved he didn't think that . Eventually he told them and instead of being hurt they accepted it and told him to be happy . It was not the 'end' he had expected. I had family member come out in her late 20's again although she had never dated a woman before nobody was really surprised and they accepted her and her partner, who incidently are still together. It isn't always that nice but usually it is not nearly as bad as a person believe it will be when telling thier family. I have another friend that told his parents in his 30's they found it to be moralistically wrong loved him the same but refused to meet anyone he dated would accept someone as a 'friend' and also refused to talk about it with him and they continued to see it as a sin. As it turns out he has never had relationship last for more than 3 or 4 years , and lives in another country so again it wasn't the issue and heartbreak he had thought it would be. I have never known it to be a complete surprise to the family and close friends of someone that is coming out because they have noticed things unconciously even if it wasn't spoken. You have said your girl friend and friends suspect your close family isn't as dumb as all that the idea has crossed their minds. Lots of familie becaue of cultural, societal or religious values will accept it but keep it hidden publically but almost no-one hates a loved one for having a same sex preference. You can't control how others will react to your news. Eventually you need to tell them . But most importantly you are only responsible for living your life well and treating others well. SO you need to let this girlfriend go it isn't fair to her you are using time and emotions up of her's that your don't really want. There is nothing wrong with being gay and it isn't your burden to get all approval . I believe you will be accepted a lot more than you think :) I really do. Right now though you are delibrately living a lie with a girl and need to set that right as well as any other things you are doing to hide your secret that might impact others. Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (28 September 2009):
Hi, I don't know your situation but I can tell you that having someone gay in a family is becoming so common that it not nearly the shock horror that someone about to come out thinks. I have a close friend that thought he should kill himeself rather than tell his family that he was gay. He had met someone and wanted to live with the man and thought his family would be incredibly devistated. As in your case everyone around him had the suspicion but he had been so self-involved he didn't think that . Eventually he told them and instead of being hurt they accepted it and told him to be happy . It was not the 'end' he had expected. I had family member come out in her late 20's again although she had never dated a woman before nobody was really surprised and they accepted her and her partner, who incidently are still together. It isn't always that nice but usually it is not nearly as bad as a person believe it will be when telling thier family. I have another friend that told his parents in his 30's they found it to be moralistically wrong loved him the same but refused to meet anyone he dated would accept someone as a 'friend' and also refused to talk about it with him and they continued to see it as a sin. As it turns out he has never had relationship last for more than 3 or 4 years , and lives in another country so again it wasn't the issue and heartbreak he had thought it would be. I have never known it to be a complete surprise to the family and close friends of someone that is coming out because they have noticed things unconciously even if it wasn't spoken. You have said your girl friend and friends suspect your close family isn't as dumb as all that the idea has crossed their minds. Lots of familie becaue of cultural, societal or religious values will accept it but keep it hidden publically but almost no-one hates a loved one for having a same sex preference. You can't control how others will react to your news. Eventually you need to tell them . But most importantly you are only responsible for living your life well and treating others well. SO you need to let this girlfriend go it isn't fair to her you are using time and emotions up of her's that your don't really want. There is nothing wrong with being gay and it isn't your burden to get all approval . I believe you will be accepted a lot more than you think :) I really do. Right now though you are delibrately living a lie with a girl and need to set that right as well as any other things you are doing to hide your secret that might impact others. Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 September 2009):
Well, if you want to have a relationship with a man, then please set your girlfriend free to find someone else. It would be unfair of you hang on to her if she's not the one for you. Secondly, who cares what other people think? You are who you are, adn if they can't take it, that's not your problem. Maybe find out about other gay people in your community and see about meeting some. Dont' allow your life to be ruled by everyone else around you. You'll never be happy. Be brave. Lots of luck
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A
female
reader, Ybamylloh +, writes (28 September 2009):
I think you shouldent hide your identity, because theres nothing whatso ever rong with being gay, and if your family and commuinty cant accept that, then they have the problems, not you!
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