A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I really.like my friend's ex-bf. They have broken up many times when they dated and got back together. They broke up again and now my friend has a new boyfriend. I'm afraid to tell her that I like her ex. But i want to tell her I like him but don't know how. And if me and her ex were to go out, would that be right? I really don't believe in girl code, but I want to respect my friend. HELP please!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Well after all the splits and getting back together it may be worth checking whether it's really over between them. Although someone asked me this question once and I said it was over and then got back together.
It may also be worth checking how she would feel if you went out with him. That could get her thinking about whether or not she wants to lose him.
It's not a betrayal by you if you haven't done anything about it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Girl code... says you have to TALK TO HER ABOUT IT first...
seriously... you can't just date him and spring it on her...
clear it with her first but note that she will not be the friend to go to when you fight... she will not be the friend to go to when you are intimate and want to talk about it....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is exactly will happen. If you try to get together with him, you will likely succeed. You will date him very briefly, and then he will go back to her for the millionth time. Then you will have completely embarrassed yourself and have lost a friend in the process.
Such situations almost ALWAYS follow this exact pattern-especially in your age group. Seriously, not worth it at all.
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 To me it depends on how close friends you are with her~ stay away from ultimate best friends ex's but if you are close friends or just friends, then tell them that you have a crush on their ex and wondered how they'd be if you both went out. If she says she's fine with it then go for it, but if she looks hurt/upset then leave him. It's not worth losing a friend. I went out with a close friends ex once but she was ok with it and we're still friends now~ so it doesn't always end badly. Another thing is how long they've been apart for. Give it a couple of months or so after they've broken up and then ask to give her some space. Her new boyfriend if she's just got together with him could just be a rebound?...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Nope, I would stay far far away from that guy.
You
(general you) do not date best friends exes. There are other fish in the sea then "those" guys.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (29 February 2012):
 HI
That would be a BIG FAT NO GO for me. Not only is that going to cause conflicts, it could possibly have her thinking your going to fancy her new boyfriend too, and her guard will be up big time, I doubt she would want to stay close friends either. You defo need to use the GIRL CODE here. There are plenty more fish in the sea, so dont use the same pond your friend fishes in.
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Tell her you like him by all means but don't ever date one of your friends exes. Never.
I have done it and I asked beforehand if it was okay. They said "Oh yeah, go for it, it's fine" and guess what both those guys are no longer my friends because of me dating their ex.
OP asking if it's okay never makes it okay, trust me. Your friend may think it's fine but even she won't know how she'll react. You won't be able to talk about your relationship with this guy to her and the fact that you were willing to go and risk hurting and losing her for your own selfish needs means you stand every chance of losing her regardless of whether she says it's okay or not.
Both AuntyEm and YouWish have told you girl code is not only a good thing it's a must if you want to be a good friend to someone and a person people can trust, but while they say it will be okay if you ask I can tell you from experience it's too much of a risk and it's not one worth taking for any guy. Friends are far more valuable than lovers OP, good friends don't just fall off trees either. Do you really want to risk throwing that away for a guy who you my only end up seeing for a month or two?
You see OP girl code isn't just about doing what's right by other people, it's a way of protecting yourself from others doing it to you. If you don't respect the code then you're fair game, people won't even have to ask you whether you're okay with them dating your exes nor care about stealing guys away from you because you don't believe in the code, therefore you won't really mind if people fuck you over.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I agree...GIRL CODE is a must, if you really value her as a friend.
Just say something like 'I really fancy *****, would you think it's crappy if I went out with him?'
Some people get very territorial about ex's, even if they have moved on and mostly it's the fear that they will have to see them a lot more if they are dating a mate and that can raise old issues.
Even if you do decide to date the guy, I wouldn't flaunt it in her face because that's just insensitive.
Personally if one of my friends dated one of my ex's...I wouldn't be too chuffed...but that's just me.
Ask her...see what her reaction is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I agree ask her if she's ok with it. I know a woman who doesn not believe in girl code, she is 36 years old and wonder's why it she never keeps friends! The fact is that if you a value a friendship you will abide by the unwritten code, and think not only of yourself but of your friend's feeling, in most cases if you do that, then in most cases the friend will be fine with it. Though I would never go after a friend's ex, and any friend's that are still in my life are one's that won't do it either, because we value and respect the friendship we have. Start believing in the girl code, or be prepared to lose friend's! Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 February 2012):
 ASK HER if it's okay. You better start believing in girl code if you want to keep friends! If you value your friend, ask her if it's okay. If she values you and has moved on, she'll be fine with it.
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