A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had Posted my question yesterday under the headding He found out I lied about my virginity 12 years ago!Hey guys thanks a ton for all your inputs and thoughts. Well just to add further clarity for a few of you yes he very clearly and specifically asked me before we were about to get married that if I wanted to know anything about his past relationships the time was now and he also told me that we should get into this marriage clearing all our past issues, he also asked me about my past. Well let me also confirm that he is a very liberal caring and understanding person. The only reason I lied was because I thought it would probably do no good to our relationship by having him know. Well I was young and stupid I feel bad for what has happened. I have asked him what troubles him the most and he says he has many issues and does not know what bothers him the most. 1 the fact that I lied to him 2 I fact that I had a past 3 That he cannot trust me he says that If I can lie about the past where he was not even involved I can definately be lying to him today or will do it in the future. I now realise that I have messed up but I am looking for ways to resolve the issues but cant seems like I am myself mentally depressed with how this has turned out. I cant even think. Thanks and any further inputs would help. My Original question wasI have been married for 12 years and had lied to my husband that that I was a virgin when we got married I was sure that he would never find out as he was a virgin himself. Everything was fine until last month when he met a few old friend at a local bar and as they were discussing old relations he overheard something about my affair prior to my marriage. He asked me and I really didnt know what he had heard so I told him the truth. Ever since I feel my life has compeletely changed he tells me that I have betrayed him and broken his trust and abused him for the last 12 years. I had no intension of hurting him but I just feel that I was compeletely over with my affair and didnt want him to know about it. However he says he can never trust me because if I lied about my past how can he trust that I will not lie and cheat in the marriage or in the future. I would also like to add that I am a extrovert person with a lot of friend and he has now started even picking on even small jokes with friends. I am really hurting and want to resolve this situation. I would really appreciate if you guys can please advise.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): That last one had some good advice about what to tell him and what not to.
Don't tell him anything if he doesn't want to know. But if he pushes hard about knowing details, then the point of you telling him specifics is to paint enough of a picture for him to take the uncertainty out of it. Saying "we just had missionary sex in the back of a car 3 times" may hurt like hell for him to have to picture it. But on the other hand he won't be picturing a whole porno full of exotic things either. Imagining the unknown can be a lot scarier than the truth, and the truth about teenage sex usually isn't all that glamourous.
I think most virgin sensitive guys aren't so much destroyed by the idea that their parter felt some other dude's penis. (Well, a few are.) But they're just messed up that she was willing to share sex with someone else who didn't "earn it" the way they did.
They paid full price and abstained for years and got married for sex with you, and now they find out that you already gave it to this other dude it without any of that investment. It's like, "Why was HE worth so much more to her than I was? Why was HE worth giving it away for nothing and then I worked so hard and sacrificed my own years of sex life for her? She lied to me because that way I would be willing to put in more sacrifice for us than she was willing to."
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): I agree with the below poster. It would be wrong to belittle something that is so important to him by calling it an 'insecurity' just because you don't hold the same views.If you had lied about anything else other than virginity it would have probably been an annoyance. But it is virginity that you lied about. Men care about the sexual side of a relationship, that is how they open up and connect, they consider it very special.Virginity to men is important so that they can feel special to the woman with the comfort of not being in competition with another man and that they can build a relationship without any expectations. This is probably what he thinks things were like, a basic foundation to your relationship, but now he found out you lied, all those 12 years with you has put into doubt the sentimental and specialness of the relationship with you. He feels ashamed and like a fool for investing the kind of emotions into the relationship due to thinking you were a virgin too, and for continuing to feel this way for 12 years when it seems to him that you must not have felt the same way all this time and for him being the only one in the relationship for feeling and investing anything this way.Understand this, men are not content with 'white lies' in any form or shape. Men would rather go through pain than be in a state of deceit, whereas women would be grateful. Men are more principled when it comes to many things and a right won't correct a wrongso easily in their eyes. What will heal this rift though is your honesty and openness, sit down and talk to him as openly and as honestly as you can (no matter how painful it could be to him and no white lies just for the sake of comforting him because he'll be able to tell), ask him and dig out everything that bothers him and answer it with all your heart honestly, he'll eventually see your virtues and see that he can feel he can trust you despite the pain. Once he understands what he's up against he'll feel in a much better position to move ahead and try and work things out as he'll have a solid understanding of what to get over. This is important because leaving him in a state of not knowing will allow his mind to wander limitlessly, knowing sets a limit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): "Insecurity" is what people who basically don't understand this issue usually call it. They can't grasp that some people might have non-petty and non-weak reasons for feelings about this.
What if his desire to marry a fellow virgin had made him turn down other non-virgin women that he was interested in when he was single? What if he has always regretted not pursuing one of them except for the fact that this was important to him so he thought he had made the right choice with his eventual wife? Where does that leave him now?
What if he only remained a virgin himself because he wanted a fellow virgin and he thought it would be hypocritical to have sex with others while demanding that? If this is the case, then this "little white lie" has BASICALLY ROBBED HIM OF HIS ENTIRE SINGLE YOUNG SEX LIFE! He remained celibate in his prime years and never slept with anyone else in his life FOR NOTHING NOW!
He has been robbed of his choice about something that meant a great deal to him. It is not a little thing and it is not just insecurity on his part.
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A
male
reader, Ted-ster  +, writes (2 March 2009):
This is something that you been carrying for 12 years, not one moment of deceit, but 12 years of deceit. Your husband is ticked off, consequently. He has a right to be angry, and to let you know. That's a normal reaction. But, as a couple, you need to deal with it together, and hopefully get over it. It should not require counseling, but it might: I don't know. But he has a right to be angry, hurt, disappointed. I was about to say bravo for being honest with him, but I re-read your original post, and your poor husband found out about your affair while drinking with buddies at a pub. Ouch! This is also a cultural issue - you're from India. But even in the USA, an American man would be very hurt by this way of finding out this fling - hey, I busted a nut with your wife, dude! That said, most marriages have people from your past popping in and out now 'n again (no pun intended), and get on with it. Some ex-lovers are even close friends, and do things as couples. Apologize, let him be angry for a bit, apologize again, reassure him, and then you should both move on with your marriage, I hope. It is a small thing in the scheme of life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): It sounds like your husband is very insecure. Would suggest some counselling as he has a lot of issues which he is having a problem coping with. You will have to keep reassuring him that he is the most important person in your life and that you love him completely. I dont think the whole problem is that you lied to him 12 years ago... I think there is a lot more going on inside his head.
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A
male
reader, Joshgw22 +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Sounds to me that he has some issues with insecurety, possibly he is insecure and unsure your love for him is enough to extinguish any possible temptations you might face. I'm not sure but from what i read you cheated on your previous marriage? If thats true he is probably thinking to himself "she made the same commitment to her first husband as she did to me and it meant nothing to her the first time, what makes this one different?". Maybe you should try eliminating that insecurity in him, and I think if he feels confident about the way you feel and are commited to him and only him he might find it easier to trust you in any situation. In my opinion anybody who loves someone so much but isn't sure their partner loves them back the same way, there is bound to be issues regarding their trust and commitment. All couples would be wise to make it undoubtedly obvious to their partner that they are not an expendable comodity but a treasure to be held. If he truely loves you he'll come around, so long as you cut back on any unnecessary contact with other guys, for just enough time for him to regain his trust in you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I remember the question but didn't reply to it. You lied about a very important experience in your life but you cannot do anything about it now. He feels like an idiot because it wasn't even you who told him about it. Now he is confused because you are not the person he thought he got married with. All the thoughts he had and all the impressions he had of you have changed and that changes his perspective of you, your marriage and makes him insecure about his choices and his beliefs. What he thought for 12 yrs. was a lie. Now he needs to adhere this new fact to his memories and that's a lot of work.
I think you already made your point and said all the things he needed to know and said I'm sorry and all; what happens in his mind is because of his own mental problems and not because of yours. You have to be selfish now and don't let his confusion affect you. Accept the fact that 12 years ago were also selfish and it's normal for him to feel this way.
This is the time he will start manipulating you with his arguments and distrust. He wants you to worry about his mental troubles and if you show a lot of concern and insecurity it will feed his when he is the one who needs to work things out with his emotions. Ignore him, because nothing will heal this but time. You WILL sink with him in that boat of negative emotions and a lot of frustration if you focus on his issues. STEP BACK, you can't do anything so he would feel differently.
When the trut in a marriage is broken only God can heal that relationship. The only thing I know would help you is spiritual strenght. You should join an evangelical christian church. (Beware of your paranoid husband who thinks everything you do is linked to lies and affairs) At church you'll learn why is it so selfish of us humans to hold grudges. God had it worst, and being the King of Kings he forgave everyone. Who are we to hold grudges against no one? He that doesn't forgive and forget thinks he is better than Jesus and cannot expect Jesus to forgive him until he himself truly forgives.
-Blessings
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Anonymous, I don't feel you have done anything wrong. I am sorry your husband feels this way. Just continue to be honest and tell him, "I have been open with you, and all this was before I ever knew you. I have been faithful to you and wanted no other. If you are going to torment me about anything before our marriage, then we have a big problem. And I only have your own saying that YOU were a total virgin. I took your word and never questioned it, not that it would have mattered." And the "friend" in the bar was no friend. Some men are like that. They can be like gossipy old women. Tell him that as well. Ask him if all his "friends" would like to embarrass him. Ask him if they would tell you things about him if you asked...They probably could....
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