A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together for 5 years now and almost married for two, and have a 3 year old daughter. Our relationship started out as your fairy tale love at first sight and I even played the night in shining armor so to speak when her and her mother got into a fist fight only days after we met. Any way, through out our relationship we have had the typical scenario for most couples take place; fun, fights, accomplishments, and some of the best "times" ever, (I mean alone, together, you get the idea without me being crude) and there have also been on off again times where we just needed a break from each other and I would go stay with family and she would other times and would last for only about a week. Recently things have been reaching a boiling point, I argue that: "she doesn't respect how hard I work so I can provide for them- sweat soaked clothes throwing a pick in the ground with one hand and digging a hole with the other all under the scorching caress of Arizona's 120 degree sun- and would come home only to get yelled at and on occasion have stuff hurled at me all because I'm too tired to do anything when I get home, I barely stay awake driving myself home sometimes." and she argues: "your just a lazy slob, plenty of people do the same work and do stuff with their family when they get home etc". Any way instead of going into detail I'll sum it up, there is a lot lacking when it comes to respecting the others needs sometimes. Plenty of other arguments have taken place like any married couple and several have gotten physical [all her] I have lost a lot of my motivation to do things for the family and us and it lasted a while. Eventually I got over my self and really listened to what she was trying to get me to understand; that with her going to school( classes then last semester externship) she needs me to do more around the house because she's too tired to take care of it all herself. I swallowed my pride [as much as I could] and started doing more, not a lot but enough to notice. It wasn't good enough. Gradually she developed this mindset regarding me that I am a lazy, good for nothing male, and only got worse. It's at the point for the first time that this next break up that’s about to happen ( she says she has lost her will to "try" any more) has really gotten my attention. This one's for real. She's been doing online classes with a part time job and I recently got laid off, I take care of the house and our daughter, but she thinks I don’t do enough house work. I even help her a lot with her online school assignments, for example while writing this I just took a 20 min break from it because she was running out of time for her quiz and needed help, I help her. I help her as much as I can cuz I know how important it is to her. She's been going out after work with some friends to have a drink or two, a couple times didn’t come home until early morning the next day. One time before she left for work I noticed she had on a pair of her sexy lingerie underwear and she had led me to understand she and I were going to hang out when she got home ( she works from 7pm to 11pm) but didn't get home until 4:30! She told me she went to the casino because she needed to just get out. I somewhat believe her because she did have two $45 dollar atm withdrawal receipts from the casino. There isn't really any hard evidence she is cheating but I still consider the possibility with the way she's been acting, which is completely out of character, and the guys she occasionally mentions when we talk. I feel it in my heart that she is done, and wants out of this relationship, she hasn't directly said it but I can just feel it. She does vaguely state that things need to change cuz she can't have anything get in the way of her schooling, ( without directly saying " or it's over, but context and her tone, body language and recent behavior tell a tail she won't tell) Any way, my question is; This break up feels genuine, what do you think is the cause for her apparent desire to get out of this relationship? Is it that she is sick of me, fighting and the life she has with me perhaps, or maybe that she has developed a desire for someone new or worse has someone new? Or she and her actions truly reflect what she only vaguely says in that a divorce is "not what she wants" and is just covering her back to ensure she has no distractions from her next upcoming externship which is in march, I think March 27th? Or is something else going on? Please, give me some advice on what to do AND what you think the answer is to these questions. I am driving myself crazy with the fear of loosing my best friend and the possibility it's to someone else. I think my health is starting to be affected a tiny bit because with all the mental stress and emotional hurt I am dealing with I find myself forgetting things a lot, even in the middle of doing them and I struggle to maintain a steady mind set and clearly thinking.
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male
reader, kinkydude  +, writes (3 March 2009):
hey man! some of things you could focus on is getting a college degree, or doing something you always dreamed to do. Going to the gym is good too. take care man. have any questions, drop me a line. Kinkydude
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your help. I'm going to take the advise I got and put it to use. In the mean time I'm going to go answer some other peoples questions. Its ironic... not to toot my own horn but I sometimes joke that " I'm a mr. fix it, theres nothing I can't fix,... except my marriage." Its a stupid joke i say to myself or by guy friends ya know. Thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhy is it making me anonymous??? I didnt care either way. i know your guys names but you dont know mine. I'm Josh.Pleased to meet you guys. : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina- i totaly agree, but here's my dilemma, im not a push over (i think lol) but when it comes to me doing what you wrote "find something new to learn in between i think to get rid of the insecurities you need to start having a life yourself away from the family unit""it is always good to get time out for ourselves i am very aware as a woman that men need release just as much as we women do if not more i would say, because men are not always good at opening up and tend to bottle things up so to get away from the usual hum drum it is good for the soul and the mind." but when i try to do that sort of stuff it starts a huge sometimes physical fight (on her end) if the fight gets to where I don't want my daughter witnessing any more and just leave right away. Or she will say something like I never get to go out and do things on my own, even though i constantly encourage it- even though she does- or i go to work ( 4 hours a day max) and have school (puts it off untill after work- never does it in the morning) or other things that make it seem like I am being selfish wanting to go out and do something and it only gets worse if that means spending any amount of money-I never have her money on me or try to spend her money on me, I am talking about our money that came from my job or work that I did for our financial needs. How do I handle this stuff? and no Im not wanting to be a push over but I do care about the kinda life and experiences my daughter has so I try and compomise my actions, needs, and wants to better fit what my wife wants to keep things as good as possible avoiding fights for my daughters sake. What? When? Where? Why? How? How often? lol I got a lot of questions and I am really hurting for answers. Thanks again everyone, all of you who are helping me just may help me fix this marriage, ( well as much as "I" can on my part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys really did a lot of good as far as having someone to finally vent a little bit to, and also your acvise especially kinkydude (lao)I really like what you had to say but also hated it a wee bit only becouse the things you describe about her really hit the nail on the head. One question though kinky dude, I have sort of become insecure after being in this relationship, I keep telling my self almost exactly what you said i need to do: give her her space, (the cleaning and raising our little girl I already do and have no complaints-shes is my world)not be jealous etc. and I do ok on some but not even close to how i should, my question is " It sounds pathetic and I'm kicking myself right now for being pathetic, but I am somewhat afraid that if I dont ask her about some of the REALLY supicious things she does to me and seems to hide from me, then cheating is going to happen. I know better than that, What would you do to help yourself not feel so insecure, like new friends, hobbies like " Griffo " or what? Thanks again guys!I feel better after getting some stuff off my chest. *whew*
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Yes, I too agree with most of what Gina says.
However we need to take it one step further for you. You see it is common that people do fall out of love its a normal part of life and from what im gathering here if shes genuine it seems as though shes headed that way, she may not even know it herself yet or really understand it quite yet, but there is a way out for you to ease the pain and suffering this can cause.
The first thing is you need to look at yourself and find the things you love to do, things like if your into cars, computers, or what ever you have an interest in you need to develop a passion for that interest. At the same time this will take the stresses away and give your mind a break from thinking you will lose your parner, but at the same time prapare you for anyhting the future might hold for better or for worse - the most important thing is you set yourself up with your passions.
Your mates are another way to help you out, spend some time with them on weekends or ask them to come over for a bbq on the weekends too. or if you can get out of the house and spend some time with your mates.
To fix this with your wife id highly suggest going to see a marrage councellor just for a few sessions, see what your wife says and tell her how your feeling, tell her you love her and that you really want to gove it your best shot because you love her and the kids, they are your world. The coucellor can then properly asses this situation with you both and hopefully come up with a solution or help you both identify where to core of the problem is.
As for your lady going out till the late hours of the morning it seems really as though she just scaring you now, but may i ask are you too nice to her in your home, sometimes this causes the lady to be a bit outrageous. and she can do hurtful things like make you think shes cheating when shes not really doing that.
So to conclude this, please try to see a coucellor with your wife and just let her know you want to give it a try. also ask her if she is willing too. What ever you do try not to argue with her even if she bites. Try to bite your toung and tell her nicely that "your over the fights and and really want to sort it out because all it seems to do is put you both in circles all the time" and then ask her to come with you to see the coucellor.
Mate i wish you the best and keep us posted on what happens.
Remember, also to look to your interests, passions and your mates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina, I feel better about whats going on at least whith the whole cheating demon hanging over my head, I don't think she would but shes been acting totally out of character and it was making wonder. Your right about the communication and compramising, i've tried to express my concerns about us doing these things but to no avail. One more question; what do you think i should do in a relationship like this. whats best for my daughter???
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A
male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (2 March 2009):
relationships can be so hard. The problem in my view, is that you both got married way too early. What this does, is eventually create a "need" to experience life, perhaps, as it needs to be experienced.
How does this information help you in your current problem. Im sorry to say it can't. Its likely that all the romance is scattered in your relationship, sex is not happening, there's a build-up of resentment.
All these things need lots of time for thought. No discussion is going to cure this problem. Only time apart, and possibly, at some point, seeing other people.
I'm sorry to say, you have to take this like a man, and do your best to improve your financial situation. Your wife seems to be on the right track, by schooling herself to get a better job. I would do the same. go back to school somehow, and improve your life.
The reason for the break-up is many, not just one. And though she may call you lazy, etc, the actual reason may be something completely different.
So this is my take:
1- there may be things you fail to see as a problem, that she really takes seriously. Men and women see things so vastly different sometimes, that what, to us, doesn't seem an issue, is actually hugely irritating to the opposite sex. It could be a number of things, that she has withheld from you,
because (and here is a feminine thing- they don't tell us! They just keep it in
until eventually it explodes somewhere else, in something totally unrelated.
Women are highly emotional, and highly thought oriented beings. They live in a mental world, that doesn't seem to slow down.
2- your financial issues may be putting a big strain on her and the relationship.
3- all of the above, can vastly effect the sexual aspect of relationships which is highly important for both. You see, women need romance, need to feel cherished and loved, and passionate. When this doesn't exist, they feel as if something essential is missing in their lives. conversation is also of very high importance to women. Especially positive conversation.
So when these things don't happen for a women, she's not going to feel that sexual. For a woman, it starts in the mind, and goes down. For a man, it starts in the genitals and goes up (more or less). So inorder to please woman, we have to adopt a little of her way of doing things. That way everyone is pleased. For women, conversation, and romance are some of the essentials in foreplay. However for men, foreplay is characterized by oral sex.
So be careful of this. When women aren't happy with the foreplay, the sex wont be as good, if at ALL.
Finally: if all these elements are missing its likely that she is miserable in the relationship and things aren't going to work out right away.
How do you fix it? You have to give her some space, DON'T be jealous, because that WILL be the FINALITY to your situation.
Little by little you'll just have to win her back. without being too in her face about it. Now that you have free time, clean the place like crazy.
I also suggest you read some literature on relationships. They are an ART.
A careful balancing trick. And when you get married at such a young age,
you really can't have much of an idea of how things work, especially if your basing it on your parents.
So read, clean, better yourself and situation, and maintain an amiable relationship with your woman, free of jealousy anger, etc. Be kind, if she wants to talk, talk. Be a friend.
She is not innocent by any means, about what is going on in your relationship, but YOU need to do things on your end. Eventually, if things work out again, she can work on her own relationship skills. But if you
want things to work out, your not going to want to start the blame game again. Good luck!
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