A
female
age
51-59,
*ophiaLyn
writes:I am currently living with my ex, we also have 4 children together. He has been abusive and has cheated on me in the past. It's difficult for me to forgive him, when I know he won't change. He has chosen that marriage is not for him, however I do want to be married again and have expressed this to him and shared that neither of us are wrong. I suppose we're together for the children and he knows that I do not want to share my life with anybody else, while my children are still in school. While we, my ex and I were apart, my childrens principal (we'll call Phil) and I found out that we both were physically attracted to one another, I believed he was separeated from his wife. Nothing happened until a year later when Phil asked me to his office and laid it out that he is a happily married man, however he would like to have a casual sexual relationship with me. After pondering this dilemma, I agreed. Basically, my ex and I have limited sex (twice in the last 6 months), I'm in my thirties and enjoy it. Phil has offered me sex without the complications of a relationship. Phil and my ex do know one another, however Phil says it doesn't bother him. Recently my ex has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer with a life prognosis of 9-12 months. Initially, I had told Phil that this was happening and that I was ending the relationship at this time. I belieived that my ex would become nicer and possibly redeem himself. Since the diagnosis he has hit me twice, my Mother passed away and he consoled me once, he forgot my b-day. He is the same as before. At this point of my life, I truly need support and am considering calling Phil. All my issues seem to disappear, the thrill of seeing him, the butterflies in my stomach and knowing there are no strings. I completely trust him and I know I would never fall in love with him. He seems safe to me, a place to run to get away and rejuvenate myself. I know the road ahead has so much more pain in it, but I know that when I'm less stressed so are my children. Help, I aspire to do the best for my children. If their father does not live with us, they know they wouldn't see him much and are scared everyday that he will leave and pass away. Their father also has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar and Narcissism. Confused and searching for happiness.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 You have so many issues it's hard to know where to start. First up your children's safety and well being is paramount, and that doesnt just mean their well being now, but also into the future. Normally I would suggest you remove them from a house where physical and emotional abuse abounds but with their father now dying, and having such a short life expectancy, its hard to say if staying or leaving would cause the most damage.
It sounds as if looking down the barrel at death is not causing your husband to look at himself and "become nicer". Sadly this is real life and it seems he might remain the nasty set of goods he currently appears to be.
If you are safe from physical harm and if you beleive the psychological damange to your children will be minimised while you are waiting for the cancer to run its course, maybe you are better off staying until then.
Take care of yourself first, because if you are not taking care of YOU you will not be in a fit state to take care of your children.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 December 2009):
Well I am sorry about all this. First of all, I'll tell you about Phil. He is looking for sex (i.e. to use you) and nothing more. He isn't offering emotional support, and never will. In fact, it is rather cruel of him to offer anything, considering that you are in a very vulnerable situation. Do not go to Phil, you will get very hurt when it sinks in that he really doesn't care and is just using you because you're an easier target who is looking for affection. As for your ex, you do not need to take all this from him. Yes, he is dying, but don't stay in a house where he hits you. Take the kids to seem him instead. I think instead of running into the arms of Phil, who is a smiling viper, you would do better to really look at your own life. This is your moment to reinvent yourself without the complications of any man, so you can focus on your dreams, your happiness. Phil is only looking out for himself. Your ex is the past. Focus on yourself.
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