A
male
age
51-59,
*mIcommittmentphobic
writes:I am almost 41 years old, never been married, never even close really. In the past, I tended to go from one girl to the next...break ups do litter my past probably more than others. All of my friends are married or have a marriage ofr two under their belts. Yes I have seen a lot of bad relationships in my past and subsequently, nasty divorces. I have certainly tried to avoid that scenario and likely plays a role in why I am still single. Here is my question: I am dating a girl now for 2years, she is 42 and she has a 15 year old son, she is recently divorced and lives with her son in a condo. I don't live far away and see her almost every day. She wants to move further...get married and move into together. I am of course cautious and even more so that she did something early on that made me question my ability to trust her (I caught her texting an old flame of hers and found out she had lunch with him a couple of times when we had been together about 6 months...she says they were only friends...BUT???). I am wanting to wait especially in light of what happened. I can see myself marrying this girl but I need to be sure I can trust here completely. She says I am making a big deal out of nothing and that I am commitment phobic. I will admit to being a bit apprehensive...I have lived alone for over 25 years so I know it will be an adjustment. My friends say I am crazy and just keep things the way they are. Am I being unreasonable or is she being too pushy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I agree you have legit reasons for calling her charachter into question.
If she wants a full commitment from YOU, you are reasonable to include a FULL commitment from HER, including all her sexuality reserved just for you.
Sexting is flirting with danger.
I disagree that ex's can not be friends. My ex husband and I are not friends, but we are friendly and keep open communication due to our children. We are co parents and have to talk. But, I keep it UBER professional.
I have one friend that I for a very short period of time, we used to be intimate. We realized that we SOOOO failed as a couple. We had a long, happy friendship before that period and we did not want to lose that. It was hard, but we managed to find our way back to that awesome friendship.
But, we never ever play the "remember when" game or flirt with being intimate. We do not do "relationship-y" type things.
If a future committed relationship ever has a problem with that friendship, I would be faced with a difficult choice, but I would give up a friendship for the man I loved that wanted me for his wife. That is just a no brainer.
A
male
reader, AmIcommittmentphobic +, writes (29 June 2011):
AmIcommittmentphobic is verified as being by the original poster of the question The texting I speak of was more of the "sexting" variety and thus my concern. She had told me that her and this guy use to text an awful lot and it wasn't just about how their day was going. If someone is with me and having naughty conversations with another guy, I believe I have a legitimate concern.
I also think you can't be "just friends" with an ex-boyfriend. It is unhealthy for all involved as they try and move forward into other relationships. You need to cut ties.
I wouldn't hang out with a single female friend and I don't think it is appropriate to hang out with a single male friend especially when she use to sleep with him.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I understand you having a trust issue at this point. It seems like she deflected her guilt over meeting up with this guy on you, telling you you are having trouble with commitment. The only thing I would ask is, did she go see him because she is afraid you are not going to fully commit to her? Is she keeping her options open? Consider that aspect.
One thing I agree with, until you feel you can trust, her don't move in with her. You two really need to talk this out.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (29 June 2011):
Have you talked about what marriage means to you both?
Are you on the same page?
I would let go the texting an old flame. Lots of adults are capable of remaining friends with their exes.
If you feel it is important that as a HUSBAND, you would not be comfortable with her in male company other than you..speak up! She needs to know that about you:)
Otherwise, has she been faithful and focused on YOUR relationship?
I think because marriage must be a HUGE deal to you, of course you are nervous about picking the right person! That is SMART! You have seen what happens to others when they get in over their heads and are not on the same page of goals/needs/wants as their partner.
Do you think she is being pushy after 2 years to wonder where the relationship is going? Does Marriage HAVE to be a sign of your ultimate committment?
Do you expect her to never talk to the opposite sex again without clearing it with you first?
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