A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a female, 46 years old, married with own family. I have a very weird relationship with my birth mother who refuses to discuss anything about my father to whom she was married to. As far as I can remember as a young child my mother's relationship with my father was tense for whatever reasons. I have photos of my father with me and plenty of photos as a baby and a young toddler without a father in those photos. My mother had a tendency to up and leave whenever she felt the going required it so, council housing played a big part for her and her children. When she was with my father they lived in owned accommodation so why she kept getting council help is anyone’s guess. I was born in 1965 and by 1972 my mother yet again upped and left my father for good, dragging three young children along with her carnage! My sisters were technically babies so have been brainwashed all these years. I, yet on the other hand have had noting but maliciousness thrown in my direction along with the threat that I should have been left with my father then preceded with she'll kill me if I try and find him! Social Services were oblivious to our needs as a broken family. My mother met on the same day she left my father at one airport to be met at another one in the UK by a man who should have been there for our protection yet failed us as he proceeded to have an affair with my mother for the next 30 years, he was a social worker! Talk of contradictions! Today, 28/06/2011 I have written a letter to my mother asking some very serious questions to the whole behaviour I was subjected to and still am. My sisters are used against me so I have no contact with them, my relatives on both my mothers side and my fathers were excluded from our lives no questions asked, yet now her stepmother is dying and her half-sister has never been able to get her head around my mothers behaviour, I have been excluded from Aunt's Uncles, Cousins as well as Grandparents all for the sake of my mother who made these decisions. This was wrong and she owes her children an apology as well as a very good explanation to why we were cut off from those who should have loved us too. Who the HELL is my mother as I do not know her. I have 4 children, 2 of mine by birth and 2 step children who lost their mother to breast cancer, I love all the children as equally as I possibly can, I could never subject any of my children to this type of mental cruelty because that is what it boils down too. Abuse comes in more forms that just physical and in some ways the abuse we were subjected to, remains in place even now. Anyway that’s the brief to my next part:Q:I have the details of my Father on my birth certificate but have no idea where to start looking for him as the last place he was, was in Casablanca back in 1972. I have a possible lead but due to my mothers' erratic behaviours during my early years this person could be my father but just how much information I can find on him is limited. I have tried contacting him, but he denies parentage, yet his CV reads date wise exactly as my fathers' up to 1972. Obviously much will have changed since so how do I find out whether this person is my father or not. My mother certainly won't help and as for my sisters they are clueless due to the mind numbness they have encounted with my mother. My mother's father is dead so he can't help and as for my aunts and uncles my mother kept the relationship closed to her family. Hence my problem. The only way forward that I can see to resolving this is asking for a DNA sample from a stranger who may or may not be my father. HELP! I need some good sound advice on where I go with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is a really tough situation, and I have similar experiences as you. Broken families often never heal or not without a lot of personal cost and with the professional help of therapy, even generations later.You're to be commended for giving your children and step children the best possible care you can, some times we don't know why our childhoods were so awful except that it teaches us what NOT to be!!as for your father. I think when you said "I have tried contacting him, but he denies parentage, yet his CV reads date wise exactly as my fathers' up to 1972. "that means that unless you find a more convincing lead to follow up on, if this guy is "it" as far as you're concerned and this is his reaction, you should let it go, for now. I think this is as far as you can go. You've tracked him down but he denies parentage. What are you going to do, force him? And if so, what good does that do? Let's say you some how manage to get this total stranger to give you a DNA test (you could offer to pay for it and maybe take him and his family out for dinner to make it worth his while). but what if it does show he's your father? then what? Obviously he doesn't want to acknowledge the existence of you and your siblings. As painful as that is, people do have the right to keep their skeletons buried if they want to. it's natural to want to know who your father is, but really ask yourself what do you envision happening? I understand you need closure, but if your need for closure impinges on someone else in a negative way, then that's probably not a good thing. I would try again to contact this man whom you think is your father and talk to him again, but try not to be pushy. Try not to take the tone of "hey I"m your biological daughter! I want to see you!" ...because the fact that you're the one who was seeking him out means that emotionally you're ready and eager to make a connection but he isn't since he's not the one who initiated this. In fact he may be feeling completely blindsided and maybe his current family is also feeling completely blindsided.if he still denies parentage and basically wants you to leave him alone, then you should respect that, and focus on your PRESENT family, your children and step kids, and your siblings, and just know that some things in the past are meant to stay in the past. And who knows, maybe if that man is your father he may not be ready to acknowledge you right now but knowing that you're out there and being PATIENTLY welcoming, may work its way into his mind and in a few years time (or many years time) then he may be ready. That's what happened in my family - it took 25 years before the acknowledgement and reconciliation finally occurred from the party that was in denial. During that 25 years, there was a lot of ranting, raving, grieving, anger, then finally just letting it go out of sheer despair, and that's when things felt better and when the reconciliation came years later it was ... not that big of a deal! I mean it was nice, but I guess by then the significance wasn't that great any more...?Also realize that while your mother certainly was not the best mother, she may have had her reasons for leaving your father. He may not be a much "better" person than she is either. Your mother obviously had issues but maybe he had his own issues too that really hurt her. He obviously didn't "fight" for you and your siblings very hard. Maybe they brought out the worst in each other and it's actually better that he wasn't in the picture when you were growing up. There's no way to know. Maybe if they had stayed together, your childhood may have been much worse than it was - more upheavals, more tears, maybe even domestic violence. Maybe they would have split anyway just further down the road and maybe separating you siblings too... there's no way to know what "could have been" but the tendency to assume that it would have been 'better' than what actually happened, is natural but something to keep in mind..... but people do have the right to move on with their lives even if it means not being involved in their biological children's lives, especially if they have a toxic partner who is using the kids as pawns. if provisions are made for those children to be cared for without them (such as through adoption or letting the other parent take sole custody) then people do have the right to move on with their lives even if it requires not having a relationship with their biological children.also I believe - having gone through something similar in my life too - that just because someone is biologically related to you, does not mean you "have" to know them personally or have a relationship with them. Family is who you love and who love you and are committed to you. There's a lot of immediate biological family that I have no relationship with, not of my own choosing but of the choosing of the generation before me. And, that is fine with me. There are a lot of people in this world that I don't have a personal relationship - like all the strangers on the street, neighbors down the block, the people at work who have offices on the next floor up, second third and fourth cousins, and so on. I don't have a desire to have a personal relationship with random people, and biological ties doesn't change that for me. I have many adopted and step- relatives in my immediate family - they are my REAL family even though we're not biologically related. People that I"m blood-related to but have no ties to, they are strangers and that's OK with me.I understand that your father is different because you have photos from your early childhood showing that he WAS in your life at one point, he's not a total stranger. But still, you don't have a direct memory of him, he might as well be deceased. it wasn't just your mother who took you away from your father, he also made the decision to allow her to do that and not fight for you. I guess that to me, it just does not matter anymore that someone is biologically related to me if they are not someone that is NATURALLY in my life of their own choosing. that's not to say that everyone should feel this way or have the same view. but maybe because that's my perspective, it lifted a lot of 'burden' from me.?if you're having a really hard time moving forward with your life, you may want to find a counselor to talk to, to help you process your early childhood trauma and pain on your own, and get closure in an alternate way if getting closure from your father may not be forthcoming any time soon. sorry if I dont' have the concrete answers you seek, I'm just sharing with you my perspective from a similar experience and wish you inner peace no matter the outcome.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 The first very good thing is that you have your birth certificate. Your father's details are on the birth certificate. If you were born in England then things are even easier as you can then locate your parent's marriage details to confirm more.
I don't hold out much help that your mother will be willing to help. She has had plenty of time to address this and has chosen not to.
First off do not go spending big money on professional searchers. There are plenty of things you can do yourself. For free or next to free.
There are sites that will also allow you to post queries for free to help you connect with your father.
Was your father born in England? If so you may also be able to identify his siblings. Who may well still be alive and may be in contact with your father.
If your father was not born in England then yes, things can be a little more difficult.
Even if your father was last in Canary Islands he may have links to England and may let his siblings know how he is getting along.
The person you approached may not be your father. That person is under no obligation to provide DNA There are many people in the world who can 'fit' the profile. Losing contact with children is just as heartbreaking and damaging for a father as it is for a mother.
I think the key to finding your father is through his siblings. And they can be identified. Just as long as the surname is not one of the difficult ones like Smith!
You may be impatient and need very much to resolve this now. But some patience will get you a good result, without you falling victim to the assurances of others willing to take your cash but unable to complete the task of finding your father.
I do not expect that your mother's side of the family will be much help. But your father's side of the family, when you locate them, may be more than willing to assist you.
It might also be good to get some counselling to prepare you in case you find that your father has passed away or refuses to see you.
On the plus side you may even have half siblings fathered by your father.
Hope this helps. The things you seek as achievable tasks that can be worked through.
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