A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My soon to be husband is English. I am Australian. We met in the UK whilst i was living there for 2 years. In a few months we will be getting married and i will be permanently moving to the UK for the rest of my life (in theory, life changes of course) to be with him and start a life in the uk.BUT i am leaving all of my wonderful, big - 10 people in my family!- behind. Has anyone else experienced leaving their whole family behind and starting a new life overseas? I have lived out of Oz on and off for the past 3 years, but getting married makes the move permanent. My mum wont be there for my wedding day or when i am pregnant or to see any of her grandchildren. This is something i just cannot handle. My mum hasnt done anything wrong - she doesnt deserve any of this. And so i live with the guilt everyday that my family are going to miss out on so much, and vice versa.I get scared that i might let my husband down because i cant handle being away from them. Am i making the right decision? (He wont move to Oz, and i am willing to move to England - if i wasnt the relationship wouldnt still be going). Has anyone chosen love over family and has it been as hard as i imagine it to be? How do you cope? Should someone have to chose between love and family or is that just life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know 22 is very young. My boyfriend is 29. The problem is Visa issues, and despite the fact that we love each other immensely, and my life is shit without him no matter how great my family is, there is no way i can enter the UK without us being married as the r/ship between uk and oz re: visas is crappy. The problem is that it just costs SO much to fly to oz and vice versa. And my mum is PETRIFIED of flying so she will NEVER make the trip over, which is the saddest part i think. but its always an option i suppose? We have been together for a year a half but by the time we get married it will be almost 2 years together. And we have lived together for the past 3 months. I know its a huge decision, but one in 2 marriages end in divorce these days. And whether the people have been dating 10 years before they get married or 2 years, it can still end in divorce. there isnt a rule for marriage. i used to mock those who got married young, but then i realised who the hell am i to judge them? I have travelled and lived all around the world. United States, UK and Europe, Asia and Oz so really in the past 3 years ive been home for 3 months of that? I've been so many places and seen so many things. I've lived all over the world, and marriage to me doesn't mean that all of that ends. I can still study whatever i want, go wherever i want, work and do anything i want, and all of it i can do with my husband.i agree with you worldlywise about how the resentment will build up because he doesn't want to move to Oz. I think the big thing here is that i do WANT to make a life in the UK. i do love how close it is to the rest of europe. I love the lifestyle, and i dont have many friends there, but that comes with time? And having my boyfriend is more than anything i could ask for. But it doesnt matter how many friends you have unless you have family who loves you - then friends dont really count. i skype with my family every second day.My BF isnt willing to sacrifice and i dont know if im letting it go too easily. My brother thinks that im making all the sacrifices.But i hate my life in australia. if my family were not here i would NEVER come back, they are the ONLY reason i keep flying back. however if my bf moved here then i might like oz a little more.No one should ever have to choose between love and family. it is the WORST decision to make. especially when the countries are as far apart as oz-england.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (25 November 2011):
 You are still VERY young to be getting married. Barely into your twenties and you are making such life changing decisions as to get married, let alone move halfway across the world from your family and everything you hold dear.
Personally, I think you are too young for such a massive move.
HE refuses to relocate to Australia, so you are giving up the most for this relationship.
What if it doesn't work out? How long have you been together, how long have you lived together, how long have you spent away from your family at any one go?
My advice would be to hold off on the marriage thing for a while. Live together first, get used to being permanent in this country, away from your family, and essentially living as a married couple, but without the paperwork.
Don't rush into anything, because once you are married, it is very difficult and painful to change your mind.
If you were a British girl of your age, I would be saying the same thing, you are TOO YOUNG for marriage, you have so much to learn, experience and grow yet. YOu have no idea what life will bring in the next 5 years, and this man may not be part of it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I did it -from Italy to California then New York - and I do not regret it for a sec - it was just great - even if I belong to those affected eventually by life that brings changes :)
Of course emigrating now is not like it was a century ago. I used to go back twice a year, they have come to visit me too a few times along the years , and we'd have long phone conversations at least once a week.
Not much less than if I had stayed in Italy and gone to live , say , in the next town 50 km. from mine. If people work full time, and make their own family with their own kids, and start their own social routine with their own social obligations , they normally can't devote more than the odd weekend to their family of origin unless they live forever in their old hometown. Which nowadays happens less and less. My point is : once you branch out , you branch out, 50 km or 500 or 5000 , at the end of the day it's the same.
Of course , everybody it's different, so before deciding , look into your heart very well. It's not only about how much in love you are with your fiance', it's about other things too - only love often is not enough.
Are you adaptable, adventurous , curious ? I was, so I was way more excited about tryng the unknown than worried about leaving the known.
Are you very attached to your hometown ? I was not- I felt about it more or less what Janis Joplin felt about Port Arthur :) Yuckk!
Financially speaking, is this move going to improve your income and general lyfestile , or worsen it ? Mine were improved .
And so on and so forth. Ask yourself the right questions and give yourself sincere answers. Try to find out if your doubts is a normal case of cold feet ( it is a BIG move !) or if your resistence is deeper and stronger, and you are just hiding it away to be able to catch the guy , in which case it would resurface in the shape of resentment and grudges at the first incomprehension between you. " What, you have dragged me all the way up here, I had to give up my life for you... and now you forgot to take the garbage out - how could you do that to me ".
If you decide to go, best of luck and remember, Buddha said " There are no pure lands and no impure lands , the only purity and impurity resides within our minds ". Wherever you are, in whichever corner of the planet, you'll be exactly as happy or as unhappy as you decide to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): Just because your moving doesn't mean you won't ever see your family again. Or talk to them. Phones, emails, web cams, and airplanes have made long distance relationships with anyone easy. You mother will of course see you pregnant and meet her grandchildren. No doubt she'll fly out to see them and you her. My cousin is married to an english man and they live in the US. She just had her first baby, and while she was pregnant she flew out to see them, and they flew out for their wedding. They are going with their adorable new baby to see them for christmas. You will see them again. Chill.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I think what is something to note is that the BF/Fiance is UNWILLING to move. He already doesn't have a compromise or hasn't come up with solutions where it can be a WIN/WIN situation?
Women, by nature, will struggle and feel the loss of loved ones whereas Men, not so much. So it would be emotionally easier for Fiance to move.
But being BF is a Dude, he is FINANCIALLY motivated to stay in the UK.
I think BF/Fiance is totally being insensitive and well selfish to just assume its EASY to up and leave. He's a Guy and doesn't understand what it would be like for a Woman.
My Dad wants to move and retire in Mexico. Financially its so Mom and Dad can live like a King and Queen. Plus its warmer than AB Canada. And he has travelled there many times so he enjoys the culture.
YET, he knows that Mom being a woman- will NOT move away from her Children, Grandchildren. It would KILL her. So its not even an option. Out of love, he makes do with what he has because, LIFE would not be worth it anywhere regardless without my MOM at his side.
But that mindset comes with age, maturity, and living a pure love for the woman he loves.
I do think you already harbour a resentment because you are hesitant. Also you KNOW you better than anyone else would. You already predict it will be unbearable and you may not be able to cope with it all.
Happiness both immediate and long term are what is on hand. That is a lot to ask of someone. Especially at your age.
Is BF/Fiance worth the 'risk'? What is it about Fiance that would have you move away from your SUPPORT?
See I say that and I go hmmm. Because Controlling/Abusive men do in fact try to move away a GF/Wife from their Support System because then she is DEPENDANT on him. Especially when the MEN are Older compared to the GF.
How old is Fiance?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): From a mothers point of view, I think we know we have to let our children go one day.. hopefully on to a happy fulfilled life.
I know people who have children in Australia who have emigrated and left behind their parents etc in UK. They use Skype and emails to keep in touch and save like crazy to go to see the children & grandchildren, staying for 4-6 weeks a visit.
I think you have to ask yourself,now, if you are prepared to move permanantly - if your future husband is enough for you to want to leave your home country and folks - because if you go into marriage with resentment it will only build up and the marriage is doomed.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I know people that have moved away and started families. Yes it can be hard off course it is, but I guess it is a choice off what you really want in life, don't feel like you are abandoning your family, at the end of the day you need to live your own life now. I guess all you can do is take some time to ask yourself is this really what you want, and would you be able to afford taking holidays to Australia to be with loved one's. Talk to your man and ask him is he willing to meet you in the middle and go with you to Australia whenever you both can to visit home and keep your family close by you. There are lots of ways to stay in touch with your family. Web cam is a great way off still being able to see them and talk to them.
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