A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:The past few years after stepping away from DC. I started finally getting over my ex...and started dating again.I met this amazing 22 year old girl last April, and even though its different country long distance she agreed to start seeing each other and basically called me her boyfriend but due to not meeting each other in person yet we didnt have proper labels.It was fast, and i trief to slow her fown because she just got out of a 4 year relationship. But still we said I love you to each other almost everyday. She underwent a history of domestic abuse with her ex and basically went from him to me. That didnt matter much and everything was amazing apart from the time she had depression episodes from feeling alone.We set up a trip on December but COVID prevented that. She was bummed and kept her ticket and its valid till October. I was on skype everyday, was the who woke her up... The last thing she saw every night fot months. Skyping each other over 10 hours to 20 hours a night. Our parents know each other and we know each others routine. I love this girl I payed for her trip on December to show Im commitef and I love her. But at the start or the new year she broke up with me. Saying even though im great she needs to have someone on her side. I don't share the feeling, Im willing to wait fot love because I know shes amazing, she just want to meet random guys make moments and fall in love... Its stupid. She had sex with two guys and says she feels cheap... And yet wont accept the guy she's skyping who says he still loved her. We talked a couple times this past month how guys keep using her and stood her up... And it pains me. She came to me a few times to talk about it because i always helped her with problems before and she says she wants to be friends. She says she has feelings for me but unless I can be there, she doesnt love me. Love isnt conditional shes being unfair ...i decided to step away but I dont know if I should keep fighting for her.This girls makes me feel like im not worth it. That I was just a page in a book, and it freakin hurts and I want to get her back. What should I do. Should I wait. She has the ticket.I feel stupid and dumb and just used... she moved on so fast she went from saying I love you on December 31 to freakin breaking up with me and not wanting to talk to me on Jan 1.I spent my years savings on this girl making her feel like a princess and shed rather have a string of heartbreaks and meaningless one night stands.Im a simple man. I fall in love no matter time and distance I can wait. Because sues worth it. Why do women always keep doing this to me.
View related questions:
broke up, cheap, her ex, I love you, long distance, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): Bro, get your head out of the clouds! You're too much!
Why wouldn't she want to be friends? She gets flowers, presents, and expensive travel tickets! Meanwhile, she's bedding-down with locals!
Block, delete, and move on!
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (2 February 2021):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question You know what WiseOwlE. I really do appreciate the brutal honesty.
I have a lot of growing up to do.
You want to hear something stupid? I've sent her flowers, we talked last night...she thanked me for it, said they were beautiful.
I reinstalled snap to talk to her, so when I checked tonight...she's currently someplace else spending the night with another man. You can see from the activities that she went out on a date and is now with him.
I'm freaking stupid for thinking showing devotion and emotion gets you what you want. Don't worry I had those flowers ordered days ago. Just couldn't resist not being a hero you know.
She doesn't owe me anything...yet I feel the need to connect and have her back. I keep repeating to myself that I got played but idle times just make time hell.
Now a girls walking all over me. Saying she wants me to be her friend whilst not wanting to reply to my messages. I've said good bye to her hundreds of times that even she just encourages me to do what I want. I'm one step closer to blocking her, there's no care anymore, there's no warmth, all I see in her is a girl as desperate as connection as I am (WiseOWLE she's not OVERTLY SEXUAL...tbh she has image problems because of her weight) but what she needs is a physical bond and I'm looking for an emotional one. Something that I'm having problems finding here. I'm scared of going back to drifting and floating around...I think that's why even though its been a month I've been start stop texting her. I just missed being someone elses you know.
Everything's gonna be okay I know, but you said it yourself I've been around the block now. Saying you'll give up on love for now is easy...but it's difficult in practice especially if you were with someone for a long time. You miss the little things and the companionship and right now I'm going through it all over again.
Im trying to build myself up. It's a work in progress though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2021): Oh, Sam...Sam...Sam! I just read your responses to Honeypie and me (I love Honeypie's opinions!); and I always appreciate follow-up responses from the OP. Mainly because they usually reveal more details, or convey a better picture of your feelings and thoughts. Often adding those things left-out when you're caught-up in emotion; while composing your original post. Some people are very good at expressing their thoughts and feelings in-writing; and you sometimes get all the facts up-front. I like how you hold nothing back, you just let it flow!
I suggest that you don't buy travel tickets for women to come to you from overseas; but rather, you offer to vacation in their area to meet them. There are too many scams running online to be spending your money to impress the ladies; who may only be there to see how many love-struck suckers are itching to part with their cash. It doesn't matter where they're from!
Men or women given to aimlessly and recklessly whoring-around, or mindlessly going amuck following a breakup; should send-out a blaring-alarm and distinct signal that they would do this without heartbreak as the cause and catalyst. They are deliberately promiscuous, emotionally-unstable, untrustworthy, unreliable; and have an endless list of excuses for being a hot mess! Then they have the nerve to blame others for their bad-behavior! You don't go throw yourself at somebody (sober, drunk, or high); then cry foul when they take advantage of you! Knowing full-well you did it consciously and in bad-judgement! It's your fault, they're just opportunists taking you up on the golden-opportunity you foolishly tossed out-there in their path!
You don't allow your feelings to runaway with you; especially, when you've only interacted through social media. You don't always offer online-viewers and your selected dating-prospects the most genuine image of yourself; and you're not likely to get that in-return. The natural human-need to impress and be liked takes over; and you might create an enhanced character-image, or an ultra-desirable persona that comes across as too good to be true. That's a red-flag pinned on you!
You tried to portray yourself as the perfect example of boyfriend-material; while she bathed in your attention, and feasted on your generous supply of admiration. You talked love-talk and you romanced her. What girl wouldn't want all that? The thing is, it's not real; until you do it all in-person, once you've met, and become more acquainted! She might have played you, but you made it easy; because she has a better grip on reality. It is best to date local. Then you know whom you're dealing with, neither of you can completely hide your flaws; and eventually, you are both forced to just cut the crap and be yourselves!
You have to stop trying to be a girl's dream-guy for every female you meet! They wont take you seriously; and they'll think you've got a few screws loose! Pour it on too think, and they'll think you're nothing but a joke.
They won't know what the real you is like; because you'll keep defrauding them with your fake-side. You can't be everything she could ever want! You've got to stop placing women up on lofty-pedestals; and decorating the peripheral-edges with flowers and valentines.
Keep your feet planted firmly on the ground, my friend! Save your money for dates you actually have together. Don't try to impress by spending large amounts of money and showing-off. You're implying maybe she's a gold-digger with price tag; and you're also trying to entice her with your financial-success. Bait will always catch something! Which all comes down to using bribery or incentives. She won't really care for you, but about what you have! This makes you vulnerable to people out to play you; and intending to soak you for whatever they can get out of you. Then they'll dump you or dupe you; because they'll know anybody can pull-it off. You couldn't by any means be a sensible and trustworthy-boyfriend! Anybody in a skirt and heels can con you! You're too much of a pushover! Maybe her conscience got the better of her; and she has finally decided it's time to stop taking advantage of you! Let's say instead that divine intervention took pity on you, and God's angels protected you! You're out of that money. You might get it back; but if it was a sincere gift, you shouldn't try to take it back. She didn't ask for it. Did she? If she decides to use it, don't get your hopes up. She admitted she doesn't love you. To believe otherwise now would be stupidity!
You're pushing 30, buddy! You've been around the block, and you haven't learned a thing! You're trying too hard! You probably take things hard when you get rejected, or things don't workout according to your fantasies. Check your imagination, bud! Allow things to happen in proper sequence; rather than trying to make them fit according to your plans made out of fantasies and daydreams! No-more of those long hours wasted on the phone, or online; and drowning women in your attention! That's sooooooooooo sappy!!! I'm sorry to tell you! I've just got to be real with you!
Dating is the process of seeking romantic-companionship, and choosing your best match. It's also supposed to be fun, and void of unnecessary drama! It's the unscientific-method of sorting through a variety of personalities; to find someone suitable and compatible with your own. Some ladies will only be a passing fancy, fun to be with, and just a romantic-adventure. Others may be more serious or intense; but you shouldn't try to coerce, or rush her feelings to pacify your neediness and impatience. That's childish, entitled, and not very masculine! You have to be levelheaded.
Showing maturity and genuine charm is much more impressive! When they see solid-character, maturity, decisiveness, and kindness; these traits carry a lot of weight. It won't always get the girl, but it's more likely to get the right-one! Others may be the wrong-ones, but have good-taste; and they'll latch-on, because they all want a "good-catch!" They also have the common-sense to avoid players and day-dreamers; who are carried-away with their lover-boy imaginations and sappy notions.
You're probably a sweetheart of a guy; but a fool soon parts with his money! According to your recent post, you've resolved to date locally; but after reading your follow-up, I felt compelled to offer you more wisdom and heartfelt-advice.
Sam, I wish you the best. I know someday, a lovely lady will find you; but not until you've become more mature in your approach toward women and romance. You have to be more in-control of your feelings and emotions; and you should not pursue a love-interest at any cost. That's reckless! It's just too risky! Women don't respect, nor trust, guys with their heads in the clouds. Fellows who don't seem to show wisdom in how they handle their money; and don't seem to understand anything about women.
In this case, it's not them, it's you! Slow your roll, bro! Don't just say you will, do it!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (1 February 2021):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, WiseOwlE...
I appreciate the honest answers and don't worry it didn't hurt, to be honest the past few years when I was dating, everything was just meh and normal...you know? then this girl came along and it was turbulent and unique and a storybook outline. I did get caught up.
Hahaha sometimes I don't even know if I'm a romantic or a sucker. I just got tired fishing in my pond if you will...and when a new unique fish (BRITISH FISH not eastern european haha) got hooked; I just though I could reel her in.
I still got quite some money HoneyPie, Im not the one to make her refund things...and yes I sent her quite a lot, but she did send me things too. I just thought love would be grand you know...not that plain old dating that I've been through. It's only been a year and along with my first two relationships nothing has ever been as colorful and picturesque.
I'll be more patient...and look locally. Maybe 2 hours away haha because I live in a shallow pool. Just trying to lighten the mood I'm sorry. To be honest aside from how I treat romance and dating. I'm actually quite mature you know, with work and life. Its just Movies and TV it messes with reality and expectations you know. It kinda makes you want that scene stealing dream girl instead of a real one.
Life's funny the last time I left DC was because I was doubting dating and got lonely with quarantine...a few weeks later I met her...then after it ended I came back here.
I'll take a step back and focus on life. I still got a few young young years in me. I guess the days of being in my early twenties living with a girlfriend and tackling life is over. 2 effin 6. haha. No more goofin off. Here's hoping I get back here married and answering questions again.
You guys really help me a lot through the years. Thanks for the pick me up and reality check. I appreciate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2021):
 Live and learn, Sam
This is really WHY it's good to meet in person and spend time with people because you get to see another side of them, a side that is easier to hide over tech.
You say when you first started talking you just wanted to help her, which is admirable but it also blur the lines real quick because you confuse gratitude for "love". She she confused the help and kindness for "this person will now take care of me". Not really love.
Studies show that texting, Facebook postings, Skyping - even Tindr can give people a sense of euphoria or utter dread. You both felt the euphoria. You ignored all the red flags.
Hold back a little (especially emotionally and financially) when getting to know a new person. Don't stop being a caring person. And don't hold the next girl responsible for what this one did.
DO look locally. LDR's are often overrated. They are just fluff. Like a paperback romance. A healthy relationship need a good foundation, it need two people to initially want the same thing. Getting to know the other person. Spend time together.
Give yourself some time to breathe - and then look back and accept that you jumped in with both feet into something that really wouldn't have been good for you. Or her. Because you want different things.
You say you talked to her and she brought up friendship and the flashed you? That sounds like someone taking you for a fool. Someone who doesn't take you serious. That might help you CUT her off easier, knowing how she really is.
Wish her well and move on. And REFUND that ticket! She isn't worth you throwing that money out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2021): "I spent my years savings on this girl making her feel like a princess and shed rather have a string of heartbreaks and meaningless one night stands."
I'm shaking my head! Yet, I wish I could place a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. I think her idea of dating locally is a grand concept! You should take that into advisement!
Okay, Sam...let's talk man to man. You've learned a very valuable lesson here. You needed to get your heart broken; so you'd come down out of the clouds. Who in their right mind spends their hard-earned savings on someone living in a foreign country, they've never met in-person, and falls head-over-heels in-love with basically what can only be defined as a digital pen-pal? It's almost like those pay-for-view girlie-cams; where they share personal things about themselves, they show videos of themselves all over their apartments, even introduce you to their friends...but for your credit card information. If it's all done on the internet, there's very little difference in your situation. She's likely one of those internet models who dupes suckers through dating sites.
Do you live in Alaska? That's the only place in the United States you might get 20 hours of night! I believe in their northernmost cities they get two months of complete darkness there.
Dude, you're the male-equivalent of a drama queen! I guess you could say a drama king!
"This girls makes me feel like im not worth it."
Come on, Sam! Seriously?!! You've never even met!!! You've shared images on screens! I'm sure you're a great guy with a big heart, and a lot to give. You really need to tone-down your heart and tune-up your brain! You're not worthless, you're just broke! Maybe because you just spent a year's savings on a ticket for a female who lives in another country, whom you've never met in-person. I like you for your sincerity and naivete; but you are old enough to know better!
You're out there in LA-LA land! She had every right to enjoy one-night stands; because your digitally-connected romance was void of physical-affection and intimacy. That entire fiasco was also a parade of glaring red-flags! She's out there picking-up random dudes, and sharing it with you!!! How is that supposed to make you feel, after proclaiming her feelings for you? She was soooo full of bull feces!
My friend, you are either a hopeless-romantic...or a total sucker! I mean that affectionately! Please don't be insulted!
When you meet someone online, you should reserve your feelings and check your emotions; until you have met and spent real-time with that person. This is necessary to feel-out their personality, discern their true character, and to use your other senses besides hearing and sight to form an emotional-bond with what amounts to a complete stranger. You know only what appears on a screen, and what you've been told by "little Miss Gadabout!" She lives in another country, and yet you sent her a very expensive ticket. Who knows what else you've spent money on for her?
Now here's the clincher! You spent a year's savings...after she shared her stories of "morning-after shame;" and "booty-call remorse" following one-night stands!!! I can see doing it once, but she did it again and again!
"Why do women always keep doing this to me[?]."
Prolly because:
"You're a simple man, and you fall in-love no matter the time or distance...and...you'll wait!"
That's not rational, and makes absolutely no sense! She realized somebody local is more practical, and she didn't return the ticket! Nor should she! You had no business sending it in the first-place!
Let's say, you need to change your game! The old-one ain't working too well!
I think "simple" might not exactly be the most accurate description, after all you've shared in your post.
Sorry! Let me be kind, you're hurting...but I'm talking to a grown-man. Not an inexperienced-teenager, or a twelve year-old kid! Need I have to tell you, money can't buy you love?
Pull yourself together, man! This was not even an authentic or officially committed-relationship. It was one of your far-out imaginary infatuations that got carried-away; because she must be really beautiful. I speculate an Eastern European beauty with pouty lips, blonde hair, sultry eyes, generous cleavage-shots, and a profile sob-story that reads like a tragic romance novel. You got hooked and fell for it, my naive young friend!
She gets to keep the ticket; because you were foolish to have sent it to her. You got used, because you wanted to be; plus you used sweettalk and the expensive ticket as bribery. She pegged you for a sucker; so she told you what you were begging to hear. Chalk this up to experience, and never repeat it again!
You were in-love with being in-love. Caught-up in teenage-fantasy, symptomatic of an arrested-development, and a very vivid imagination. At best, you were her favorite American pen-pal; and a willing distraction/entertainment in-between her haunts at clubs or bars seeking rebounds and studly horny pick-ups.
Now man-up and get over it! You can't love somebody who doesn't love you back. That's infatuation, and those are hopeless situations. Not worth whining and complaining about! You got played, it's over, move on!
Go find someone cute, kind, local, and control yourself! Please start another savings account, and leave it alone!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (31 January 2021):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't INVEST more than you receive.Don't try and "FIX" their lives.Don't "treat a woman like a princess.Ill keep this to heart. She was just next woman to think the world of me you know... So I just had to give my world to her. Its just Im getting older I know for you guys Im still young but Im about to turn 26, Ive been in this site since I was 19 asking for dating advice about a high school girldriend and I feel like Im getting nowhere. Thanks HoneyPie, Ive been in this site for more than 6 years and your answers still help a lot. After two years in a rut its just refreshing to find someone as committed as you... You know. I never really wanted to date her, just help her. I saw her being abused and I wanted to help. I know all the tropes and all the red flags but when youre in the moment you just thinks its gonna be different.I was so sick of girls not connecting with me and the second I had one... I tried to move heaven and earth for her. And youre right it unrealistic and I rushed things. I just skyped with her an hour ago, theres nothing there, shes keeping me on wanting to be friends, then flashed me. The woman I fell for isnt there anymore and I was stupid enough to send her 80 Dollar Roses to making her feel better because she got stood up last night. I came clean to her and she said it was wrong to buy her that...what she doesnt know is I also sent her a personalised LoveBook.Im a freakin sucker. I just want to find the person whos gonna appreciate my love through tick and thin you know and the more time of my life I spend with her the better. Thanks HoneyPie for talking more sense into me. Its funny though even though I know Im being used and that this girl doesnt love me the same way anymore. I still cant find myself to make her cancel that ticket. Someday soon I might.Ill give you an update soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2021):
Ah Sam,
You don't do thing in half measures, do you?
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, YOU were her rebound. The one that showed her that there ARE decent men out there, and you are also the guy who saw her at her lowest.
Both means that the likelihood of her being serious about you is low. I mean real low.
Saying "I love you" is easy. We all can say that to anyone, and not mean it fully. She might have felt she DID love you because you picked her up when she was down.
You told her to slow down but didn't slow down yourself. You INVESTED not only time, and emotions in her, you invested financially in her which is RARELY a good idea. Because that makes people USE you. She might not have intentionally used you, but she did use you nonetheless.
It's very romantic of you to say " I fall in love no matter time and distance I can wait." It's also utterly unrealistic. Covid or not.
Don't INVEST more than you get back and KEEP money out of courtship. Doesn't mean you can't send flowers or a gift for a special occasion, but clearing out a years savings for a girl who IS not really as committed as you, is not smart.
Can you get the money back for the ticket? If so, DO IT. You paid for it.
Don't sit around and wait for her to MAYBE PERHAPS realize that YOU are as good as your word. That meaningless ONS won't make her feel better or make her life better.
My guess is she has already slept with someone. And then decided she wanted THAT instead of a BF who is MILES and MILES away.
I would also suggest you cut contact because you want different things. She wants you to be her support-net and feel her lonely times but she wants to do whatever she wants to do with little to no regard for you. You can't be her "friend" when you want more. And you WILL feel even more USED than you already do.
Which mean it's OVER.
LDR's RARELY work out long term. Especially if you don't get to spend time IN person. Skype is great and all but it pales in comparison with "real" interactions.
Lastly, Sam.... haven't you learned from reading so many post on here, to NOT just into something romantic with someone who JUST got out of a relationship? An abusive one at that!
You wanted to be her "white knight", fix her problem, make her life better and that is admirable to a point, but at some point that will drop you into an almost "fatherly role" not a "suitor role". Which is what happened as you went from dating to - "I just want to be friends".
"Why do women always keep doing this to me?"
You have a type. You ARE a type.
You perhaps like "wounded birds" that you want to protect, love and take care of?
You ARE a "fixer". You feel the NEED to fix things for a GF, to make her life better, to make yourself stand out - but that leads (I'm guessing) to them using you instead.
Date someone you can see (in person) ON a daily basis. Perhaps not EVERY day - you both need time to hobbies, family and self-care, but not someone living so far away that you can't connect IN person.
Don't INVEST more than you receive.
Don't try and "FIX" their lives.
Don't "treat a woman like a princess" - that makes me think of a nightingale in a gilded cage. While it sounds romantic, it's not. TREAT her like a woman, an equal, a potential MATE, partner.
For some, Sam - love IS conditional. Maybe not for you, but for her it is. Which means.... ANOTHER reason for you to wish her well and CUT her off.
If it's NOT realistic for you to move there, live there (and even if you could she would still want to do other guys) reality is this relationship has run it's course.
If you can, refund the ticket. Wish her well, don't accept friendship with her but cut all contact, accept that it's over and work on moving on.
Also, if you can meet one woman you find amazing, you can find another. She isn't the only fish in the pond. And maybe she really wasn't as good of a fit for you as you think.
Chin up. Dating is about weeding out the people that SEEM like good matches but aren't. Eventually you WILL find someone who will BE a good fit and whom will find YOU a good fit too.
You got to caught up in this. She apparently didn't.
...............................
|
