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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi. Would this bother you? My boyfriend and I were watching a movie a few days ago. I cried during one scene as it reflected a situation I had gone through in my real life. All my boyfriend did was hand me a box of kleenex. He didn't say anything, he didn't comfort me or hug me tighter etc. Just handed me a box of kleenex. I thought that was sort of cold. Am I over reacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): From your reply, albeit to Wiseowl I fail to see why you are with him, clearly not a relationship based on love or much else from that description of your feelings. If you feel that way why on earth are you with him *perplexed*
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): Hi WiseOwlE, it is the OP. You are correct. There a bigger and ongoing issue beneath this. He is a very unemotional person. He does not express his emotions freely. He is distant, controlling, hot and cold, abusive, mostly angry and very critical. He is self reliant, loves his space and commitment phobic. He lives in a fantasy world and is always looking for greener grass and new experiences. He never makes me feel safe and secure. I believe him to be a narcissist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2021): Let me ask you this. If you needed a hug or comfort, why didn't you lean-in for it? You could have snuggled-up closer, and he might have put an arm around you. Was this a test?
You're only watching something on TV, you weren't actually suffering a serious issue in reality; you were responding emotionally to something sad.
How on earth does this rise to the degree that the guy is considered apathetic and cold? You've got to come-up with something better than this! Seriously?!!
What's the deal? If there is a true and existing relationship-issue here; and you feel he's "usually" unsympathetic, or doesn't show you affection; then be direct and communicate with him about that. Otherwise, handing you tissues was adequate and appropriate to the situation. To blow this out of proportion, based on this single incident makes no sense.
If there is a bigger and ongoing issue beneath this; then come right out and deal with it. Don't be petty!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2021): I've watched films with my boyfriend and had the odd cry, he doesn't respond and quite honestly I think nothing of it. I'm guessing he knows what you was crying about, has had discussions with you about the subject and didn't want a repeat because of a film, they evoke various emotions that do not need to be explored or a counselling session on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2021): Don't be such a baby - he is not your therapist there to sooth you whenever you don't smile.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2021): Hi
You sound like you are trying to get sympathy and use other peoples sadness to get it, not a cool way to operate. Sure I cry at some movies, but in a quite way and my partner always laughs at me when my eyes fill up and I laugh at me and hide behind a cushion . My tears are because something has moved me emotionally, nothing wrong showing emotion but wanting feedback from it, is indulgent and unnecessary.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 February 2021):
 It doesn't sound cold to me.
I'm not overly emotional myself, and the odd time I do feel sad, I really don't want anyone fussing over me. It's just annoying.
Getting mad at him for something like this is a stretch, I think.
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A
female
reader, TheSunsWork  +, writes (1 February 2021):
Seems like that is his personality and didn't know what else to do. Sounds normal for a man. My father died and my SO gave me the most strange and reluctant hug ever. He has never death with death. He did not know how to handle it. And I knew from that moment I was unfortunately on my own
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 February 2021):
 Men have emotions they can/will cry but for the most part they are uncomfortable with women crying. They honestly don't know what to do. My father (rest his precious soul) used to actually try and make us laugh when we were crying. He just couldn't really deal with all the tears and blubbering.
My husband is Japanese and they don't show emotions like we do so he is very uncomfortable if I cry and will usually say "I'm sorry" over and over again and hug me rather awkwardly but I can tell he feels better when I calm down and am not so emotional.
My son will try to talk me through things if I cry.
Your boyfriend wasn't being a jerk. He just wasn't sure what to do so he thought he was being caring by offering you tissue.
Men and women are not alike so don't expect a man to feel what you feel or express what you express. He was being caring or he would have ignored you altogether.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (31 January 2021):
 Speaking as someone who doesn't know how to react in highly emotional moments, I can 100% see where your partner is coming from. Even dealing with death makes me weird. I don't ever know exactly how to comfort someone and I definitely don't know what are the right things to say in those moments. Mainly because, it's so easy to offend people and obviously because of my own upbringing and such. I don't think that he meant to hurt you and I don't think that he was being mean. He really did what he thought was best, in the moment. That was his way of offering the support that he knew that you needed. He tried to offer you support without overwhelming you in that particular moment. If I were him, I would've probably done the same thing. Not because I don't care but because I would've felt bad and tried not to make you feel worse/more sad at that point in time. You're more emotional and you're more comfortable showing support physically and perhaps you're more in tune with what people really need in those moments but speaking as a female who can sometimes react to these moments in the exact same way, it's not meant to seem cold and it definitely isn't a guy thing. It just depends on who you are and how you've been raised to be, I suppose. So yes, I would say that you're overreacting.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 January 2021):
 Many men are not good at dealing with crying women. I know this from watching my male work colleagues trying to deal with the occasional crying female. They would rather walk over hot coals barefoot than face that on a one-to-one basis!
Your boyfriend did the only thing he could think of that would help: he handed you tissues. A major difference between men and women is that women are good at empathising and listening, while most men feel a need to "fix" things. His way of "fixing" the situation was to hand you tissues.
To answer your question, yes, I do think you are over-reacting. He did what he thought would help. Next time, if you want/need a hug, tell him. I'm sure he will oblige, but he isn't a mind reader.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2021):
 He didn't know what to do, so he went to a kind default - handing you a box of Kleenex.
Had he been cold and unfeeling he would have watched you cry and wipe your nose on your sleeve....
I don't know what to do around people who cry. Except my kids. Those I just hug and kiss. :)
In general though, MANY men are NOT good at dealing with a crying woman. If you consider that SO many of them have been raised with being told that "real men don't cry" or people who cry are weak" - what can we women really expect?
I will cry over a book, a movie a DARNED commercial at times and my family knows better than to talk to me. The do like your BF, hand me a Kleenex and leave me be. Which I APPRICIATE with all my heart.
Maybe he didn't want to make you cry more or make you feel uncomfortable for crying. But mostly... he just didn't know what to do. He chose the LEAST offensive way to take care of you and SHOW care - by simply handing you a box of Kleenex.
TBH - good man.
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