A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been single for a long time and spent A LOT of this time dating (as in a different date every weekend). I think it's because I'm waiting for sparks and fireworks and butterflies right away, which my friends say is unrealistic. I have dated a few guys previously who I've had insane sexual chemistry with but these relationships were often short lived and have only ever ended in heartbreak. I decided then, unless a first date had gone horribly, I would always give a guy more of a change and go on a 2nd date (assuming the guy wanted to). This brings me to my dilemma. I've now been on 3 dates with a guy who is absolutely lovely. We get on well, he puts thought and effort into our dates, he doesn't play games and never leaves me hanging over text. We have a similar sense of humour, he appears to be quite keen on me which makes a nice change. I do genuinely enjoy his company. My main reservation is that I don't feel a huge amount of physical attraction towards him. We have kissed and cuddled etc which has been nice and felt natural but I don't have that 'I want to rip your clothes off' feeling towards him. There are also at times we're together I still sometimes feel a little awkward around him. He has so many amazing qualities that I would look for in a boyfriend though and all my friends have said it can take time for spark to develop and I should give him a chance. However I sometimes wonder whether we get on better as just friends. I don't want to force something that isn't there or lead him on though, how long do you think I should wait until calling it a day?
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 February 2021):
 You both seem to get along, and by your own admission you say he has some amazing qualities that you would look for.
The sparks, and the lust that you describe are all good in the beginning, but this does not last forever and fades over time.
He sounds like a nice guy, he puts thought and effort in to your dates.
You could very well meet someone with whom you feel more sexually attracted to, but might lack in the nice qualities that your currant dating partner has.
Its only been three dates, things might grow and nurture. I would give it a chance and see what transpires.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2021): It is a tough call.
The ones we don't have the rip their clothes off feeling end up being the guys we settle for. Mr. Nice Guy. The boring old husband or boyfriend without the spark. They are the safe choices whom we are compatible with. But we are always left wanting more...
Then the guys we want to rip their clothes off, well they end up being high chemistry and low compatibility in the long run. We have fire with them but it is drama filled and we never feel safe or comfortable in this relationship. But we are addicted to them because of the crazy chemistry. So, we often end up getting hurt because in the end, this guy never really loved us or shared our values/morals/commitment. But we were blinded by the sex, chemistry and attraction.
So, how do you meet somebody in the middle? That is always hard in my experience. Because in time, after we settle into relationships, the attraction settles down into something more comfortable anyway. So, what is most important to you? We all want fire and I think it is unsustainable in long term relationships and that is why people have affairs. But in the end, they end up going back to what is comfortable and reliable.
You need to figure out what is most important to you. Is a need to rip their clothes off more important than having a best friend, someone who will understand you, and stick with you even when you show them your flaws and vulnerabilities, and when you go through hard times? In my opinion, having a guy who loves you and is your best friend is much harder to find than a guy who pretends to be some stud God and jack hammers you for a while, until he gets bored, and then takes off for the next conquest...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 February 2021):
 No, don't offer friendship if you don't think he can be a long term partner, that is insulting. (to him)
He isn't going on these dates with you to "settle" for some " Let's just be friends crumbs".
If you can't see yourself with him in ALL aspects, let him go.
Does the physical attraction sometimes take time? I think so, not always though. If you are thinking "we HAVE to want to rip each other's clothes off to be good together" then stop now.
Right now you have a car with 3 wheels. Not going to be a smoothe ride.
I will point out this though... (in his favor) you BARELY know him. Wanting to jump his bones after 3 dates might be a little immature and "premature". Because that is LUST. And lust is great... it is just not a substitute for love.
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