A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi im currantly involved in a long distance romance/love (as we are not in a LDR commitment) latley my girl has been really cold towards me and bitchy because of her frustrations that we cannot be togather all the time, im trying my hardest to correct this situation, but latley she has been really quiet, she told me few days ago that she cannot wait forever, what does this mean? and what should i do? we are both in our twentys and plan on moving in togather and having kids marriage etc, but just in this past week she has been acting really different, kind of distant... shud i give her space or show more attention? IS this her trying to make me put omre effort in and chase her? she hasnt been affectionate in like a week and ignoring me on msn, its starting to hurt now, the only reason i can think of is we were ment to spend few w/e's togather but i had work and she got really pissed, but understandible at the same time, however then she started the ignore treatment, wat shud i do? she expressed her love for me about 4 weeks ago and i said it back.... ever since then she has been acting wierd and diferent... pls anyone who has been involved in a Long distance love help me with tihs, as it is driving me up the wall... and ust incase ur wondering yes we have met eacother in person, any help would be great
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Hello again. Yes, some people might handle LDR's better than others, it depends on the individual.
For a person who is very independent and goes out a lot with their friends and leads a busy life outside of work, it might not be so much of a problem as it would be for a person who stays around home a lot and goes out only occasionally. Then it would be very lonely.
The distance between you might be getting to her a bit, but her silent treatment seems to be because you weren't able to see her as you had to work on that weekend. She's still angry about that, I'd say.
It's even possible that she thinks that "work" was only an excuse, and that you actually went out and had a good time with either your friends - or someone else!
Distance and absences can sometimes make people think unreasonable, irrational thoughts. Especially the longer it goes on for.
I just read the comment of yours about how your girlfriend broke up with her ex a few months before you met. If she says that she wants a future with you, well then I would believe her, because she wouldn't say that if she didn't mean it.
You could call her and suggest that you were considering having a break for a while, and have a think about everything and what you want to do. Just simply tell her that you are having doubts about everything. Just be honest with her.
Sometimes when there is a lot of doubt, it's always best to go with the doubt as it's usually trying to tell you something. Even though that's not what you would prefer to do, I really believe at the moment, it's the best option to take.
Then you can have some breathing space, and you won't be feeling the way you are now, worrying what to do and if it's ever going to work out. It will give you some peace of mind.
At the moment you are mentally torturing yourself.
You might be unhappy for a short time, but the upside of having a break, is that it's taking affirmative action. It's also empowering for you. At the moment, you don't feel that you really have any control over it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think we are just drifting because of the distance and the communicaiton is breaknig down causing insecuritys and all that shi* that comes with a LDR, we are reaching that piviting point and its breaking my heart, and im having doubts now that everything she has ever said to me were lies, you know things like that, hence why i dont reach out anymore, ah well as they say ldr's never work right... i appreciate the replys i didnt think i would get any but it helps when i read your answers so i get a different perspective and idea on what to do about the situation. to the female anonymous reader, i think she thinks that i dont feel same because of this lack of commitment on my part ubt thats the thing im afraid to put more effort for fear of her ignoring and being the oppisite... do people get this? now i understand why ldr's are hard, i think nit comes down to the indiviual and how they can handle being away from the person they love, we all handle it differently, some btter then others do u agree?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hello again. Because you know how you feel towards her, that's a help in deciding where you want to take the relationship. It's positive you do know how you feel. It would be more difficult if you didn't know or had some doubts.
Because of the distance and different working times, this poses a few challenges. Night shift makes her tired during the day. During the day you are working, so your free times are when the other is working or sleeping as the case may be. It's not easy, that's for sure.
The best solution, is if either of you can work when the other is working, so you both have free time at the same time of day. Logically, if she could change to day shift, that would be better. Could she possibly change her work hours to daytime, like you? Is it possible?
At the moment even if you were living together now, you would be like ships passing in the night. You would be saying hello and goodbye at the same time - one coming home, while the other is about to leave for work. It's a hard problem to deal with, the way jobs are now. Finding another job isn't an easy task for anyone. Changing jobs or changing the working hours, are about the only two options there are for this situation, as I see it.
As you said, you could have a break for a while, and it wouldn't hurt things much, but it would give you both a chance to have a think about how to manage this problem and how to make it work.
The "waiting" comment she made, is more than likely, about how long she has to "wait" before you can be together under the same roof, and how long does she have to "wait" until she can see you again. She might be having doubts also, about the future - because of the distance alone. Plus the problem that she works nights and you work days - it's probably on her mind, and if you can both work it out.
Because she is having doubts about all this, you really do need to get in contact with her - via telephone call (NOT msn chat room) - and ask her when she is going to next be free (on a weekend), so you can organise to meet her. She seems to have free weekends, so you will have to organise a weekend off work, to see her. It's important.
The sooner you can organise a weekend off work to see her, the sooner you can sort this out once and for all. Don't wait too much longer.
It does sound like she is getting restless, but that she would rather work something out with you, than call it quits. So this is your big chance.
It is a priority for you and her. If the relationship you have with her is important to you, you will make it a priority.
If you delay it any longer, she might decide to end it, so don't give her the opportunity.
Another option is, could you both organise to have a week holidays off at the same time? If so, this would be a perfect time to be together for that week every day, and also to talk about things together. These sorts of discussions do need time to sort through.
It will be worth the effort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok also thanks for the first reply the short 1 i just saw it then i wil take up your txt idea, but the thing is we arent in a full long distance relationsihp, we are just seing eachother, one thing i forgot to mention is, she just broke up with her bf of almsot 2 years,prior to us meeting, so 7 months ago i first met her, then few months before we met she was with her bf of 2 years... so here is the delema, iv asked her if she is stil in love with him and she said on that she wants future with me (she said this when she said she loves me few weeks ago ) so now that part yea its abit iffy but i believe her, however i guess it comes down to what is going to happen with us and if we can stand the test of time and distance .. what do u guys think? give it space or pt more effort? im afraid to put alot of effort in because she is ignoring me atm, so it hurts when i try reach out, so i stay silent... what shud i do :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): You say that you're planning to get married, but you're not in a "LDR commitment"? Being engaged sounds pretty committed to me...
If you've canceled several visits in a row, no matter what the reason, she most likely believes that you don't care about her anymore. She loves you, and she was really disappointed when you had to cancel the first visit, which made her look forward even more to the next one. Then you had to cancel that one as well. Plus, not that you're one of them, but a lot of men (and women) use work as an excuse when they want to be off cheating with someone else. The "ignore treatment" is her way of pulling back so she doesn't get hurt as much when you break up with her (which she may think you're going to do.) You need to reassure her that you still love her a lot, that you really did have to work and that not being able to see her has been as disappointing to you as it was to her.
Successful LDRs require that both people agree on the intensity of the relationship--ie, that both people are fairly casual, or head over heels in love--and both people have to feel that the other one has the same level of commitment. Because you don't see the other person face-to-face, LDRs also require better communication between partners than a normal relationship does.
What was the original understanding between you? Has the length of time you planned to live apart grown longer? Have the visits become farther apart in general (in addition to the last few)? If your gf feels that it's dragged on for longer than she agreed to then that will intensify her fear that you want to end things. Again, you have to reassure her that you still love her. Rightly or wrongly, she feels that you're blowing her off, and you have to counteract that. Pick up the phone or Skype instead of using email, chat, texting, etc. to get in touch with her! Or send her an old-fashioned letter that says that you love her and want your relationship to work.
Best wishes to you; I hope everything works out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhoah, thanks for that answer, you must be a expert, because yes we have been seing eachother about 7 months now and live just a few hours away lol thats uncanny, i appreciate your reply, really it means alot. So i suppose it just comes down to common sense on what we can do to rectify our situation. But there are also barriers, such as my work and her work as she works night shift and i work day time. My next move is that i really love her and want to be togather in the future but maybe im thinking its best to let go for now, maybe take a break till we can get our lives togather and sort something out. I have to be honest she has been the one putting in alot of effort and i have been not putting in much effort, i realize this now and i think that is what she is making me realize. But the part im realy worried about is the "waiting" part, if she really loves me will she wait? or will she leave me?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hi there. Although it's a long distance relationship, I'm guessing that the distance is only a couple of hours away from each other, therefore making it possible to actually see each other on weekends.
Well, you are better off than most LDR couples, that's for sure.
Many LDR's are in completely different states (many hours apart by flight), or sometimes 2 different countries! So be thankful you are not in that situation. So in other words, things could be a lot worse for you both.
Your girlfriend is probably just a bit disappointed that she couldn't see you when she expected to. That's normal. Disappointment, will often make some people do irrational things. Being disappointed, can also make them angry because of frustration. Hence the silent treatment. She's also feeling a bit lonely for you.
The distance and your work commitments can't really be avoided.
It is unreasonable for her to not accept that sometimes you do have to work on a weekend. It is part of your job. It's good you even have a job - many people don't!
Your girlfriend does need to consider that, because it's not like you didn't see her because you went to a party with your mates, now is it? You weren't going out with someone else. It was work, for goodness sake!
But even though she knows that, it's really more the loneliness that goes with LDR's that's your girlfriend's biggest problem and not much else.
The problem with LDR's is the distance and as a consequence of that, the absences.
Any relationship for it to survive and flourish, really needs the two people to be able to see each other, every week - at least once a week. Then one phone call during the week (by the guy), to catch up in between and of course, to plan what you will do on the next weekend. That is the absolute minimum for you both to be happy and content inside the relationship. That is what your relationship seems to lack.
Also, on the subject of communicating in between seeing each other, speaking via the internet is a very poor substitute for a telephone call. It's very impersonal and will never make up for a phone call where you can hear each other's voices, and be able to know what mood they are in. You can't really get a sense of that on internet chat sites.
If MSN or some other such chat website, is all that you do, I really suggest that you pick up the telephone and actually call her next time. Especially seeing that you are not just around the corner from each other.
Another down side of chatting via the internet is, there is a lot of room of misunderstandings and then the receiver of the message taking what is said out of context and making an assumption of their own. That's how arguments happen. It's common. So that's another thing to keep in mind.
I don't think you said how long you have been in this LDR.
Because you wrote that she said she didn't want to wait forever for you, I am thinking that it's perhaps been something like 6 months or more. At least it doesn't seem to be just a couple of weeks. You have probably been together for a while now.
My interpretation of her statement - "I don't want to wait forever" - is, that she wants to move onto a more serious stage (marriage, kids, mortgage). Although she hasn't actually said it in so many words, you can be pretty sure that that's exactly what she means. She's kind of just hinting at it at this stage.
But even more than the future, I believe she just wants to be able to see you every week like regular relationships. Some of her friends probably have boyfriends too, and she sees how they are together on a regular basis, and naturally compares her situation to theirs. She therefore knows what she is missing out on. You might sometimes have this experience yourself and wish you could see her on a regular basis too.
LDR's are very lonely.
Your next move now, is to have a serious think about what it is you want from this relationship. Are you ready to take it to the next level? You do need to be very sure of this before you make a move towards moving in with her - or vice versa.
In any case, it's going to mean one of you moving to the other person's state or town. This is going to be a major change in the life of the person who does move. Major major. Friends left behind and possibly family, as well. Possible changing of jobs - but this depends on the distance.
So there is a lot to consider, once you do decide to get serious with her about the future.
The next time you do see each other, you will need to have a chat about where you are in your life at the moment, and what you are feeling about everything. You can't however, have this discussion, until you are really ready. Don't be forced into a decision that you aren't ready to make. The choice to move in together at some point, needs to be made in mutual agreement.
Don't be forced into an ultimatum. If your girlfriend does try to make you choose, well then you do have to be completely open and honest to her about where you stand.
At the moment, your girlfriend just seems to want to know where she stands. You will have to make that perfectly clear, and to be done clearly and respectfully. Don't leave any doubt.
Also, when you do have this talk, don't do it via a telephone call - make sure it's when you see each other. It's an important talk that needs to be done face to face or not at all.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (28 January 2011):
It sounds like she is trying to get you to put more effort in. She wants to show you her worth and what it would feel like not to have her. But, that is my opinion. She could be tired of you...but I really don't think that is what it is. Here is what you do. If you guys text, send her a text saying, "It seems you have been distant. Communication is very important in any type of relationship. If I did something let me know so we can work on it. Give me a call when you can." Leave it like that. You do not want to bug her just incase she really does want space. With that text you are letting her know you see a change and that you are there for her. Now the rest is up to her. Wait for her to contact you.
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