A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any LDR 411s on here? I am new to LDR and think I may have found the one guy that makes my heart melts and understand me.I am the kind of person that hated LDR and preached against it but said if I ever get into one I first want to make sure one of us is able and flexible to relocate. It so happens we both have the flexibility but since he is a business man he seems to be more flexible so our plan for him to relocate is set. Now I am seriously into the guy and this LDR.I need pointers for a successful LDR:1. When do you say "I love you" when you meet or online?2. When should you feel comfortable having sex without losing the emotional connection where he wants you sexually only?3. Is it ok for the man to move to a woman's house? And how long should both be in the same house before buying their own home together?4. When should One introduce their man to close relatives?5. If he proposes to me within five months like I'm assuming, is it too early?6. I know he will like to continue his business here but I think it will be wise to start a job here first to make him comfortable with the American system. What will be a good starter job for someone with a meteorology bachelors degree? P.S-He is not using his degree for his business. I will like for him to start a job but not a small job either. 7. When he visits me who should plan the outings? I'm assuming me because he doesn't live here. But at the same time, I want him to be the Man in the relationship.Well as you can see, a gal needs a little help. I am a good judge of character and I don't fall easily but deep down this guy is mine. I will need your help though because I hate that he is so far away in England. But since he is willing to be with me soon why not. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMSA thanks for your response. I must have missed it earlier. All your points are right on. I think I'm iverthinking things but the way you responded really put my mind at ease. Yes I have asked him what he wants to do. He wants to take his business to another level but that was before I came in the picture. Now that I am he has to shift base and it's like starting again.Like so confused said if I have to question then it's a problem. Yes I'm over thinking that aspect too not thatI don't see him as ambitious. I'm basing this on seeing lots of friends with a man moving to join them and stating from the scratch wasn't easy. I may be asking because I wanted and hoped for a man who was made before I settled. If hes going to start a new life I basically will be supporting him a little don't ya think?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 September 2014):
 LDRs are hard. The total goal of an LDR is to NOT be LDR but be together. Since he is going to relocate (and that has been decided) then what’s stopping him from setting that in motion NOW?
I met my husband IRL (if you have not met this man IRL then until you meet all bets are off) and we embarked on what we planned to be a 2 year short LDR (100 miles apart meant we were together every weekend once we got serious). We never made it two years apart. By then end of the first year (about 8 months after we got serious) he gave up his job, his apartment and his entire life as he had known it to move to what is now our home.
You ask pointed questions so I will answer those specifically:
1. You say “I love you” when you feel it. Online or in person should not matter. My husband and I rarely said “I love you” still recently and now it’s never done as that romantic “I love you” look deeply into my eyes.. usually it’s “damn you to hell” (our code for I love you) or “you knows I loves you” on the fly in passing. Do not plan to say it. It will happen when it happens. This is purely personal between you and him and there is no rule about it.
2. You should feel comfortable being sexual with him before you do it. Once you feel comfortable being sexual, then do it. If he is the type of man that only wants you sexually then the distance does not matter as he’s not the right guy for you anyway. This is purely personal between you and him and there is no rule about it.
3. My husband moved to my home. He paid for the renovations it needed and we wanted. So as far as I am concerned and my husband is concerned yes a man can move into a woman’s home. Be in the home together as long as it works for you emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. OUR plan was to move shortly after he moved down and we redid the house… our plan has changed. We will probably now stay in OUR home (he paid a 50k rehab, so when we did a refinance to bring the monthly payment down (due to lower interest rate) I added him to the deed since he was also on the mortgage. NOW what was MY house is OUR House. Problem solved. But yet again for the third time This is purely personal between you and him and there is no rule about it.
4. As an adult you introduce him to your family when it’s convenient for both of you and the family and you are SURE it’s serious.
5. IF he proposes at 5 months is it too early? TOO EARLY FOR WHO? Only YOU will know if it’s too early.
6. YOU can like for him to get a job but it’s NOT UP TO YOU. IT’s up to him to do what he wants and figure out how to make it work. He is not from your country so he has to figure out all the visas and work permits etc. Many jobs now want the employee to be a US citizen. We have close friends who the hubby WAS a Brit. He became a US Citizen over 10 years after moving so he could get a job with the government as an employee not a contractor. WHY do you think YOU figuring out what his job should be is appropriate? I fear that thought alone is indicative of potential problems for your relationship. I would never presume to figure out for my partner what job he should be doing. He may only be able to get a job as a janitor or a fast food worker. He would be working, would that be ok for you? IF NOT, you need to rethink this.
7. Who should plan the outings? How about BOTH OF YOU? “honey when you come to visit would you like to be a tourist or just relax?” is a fine question.
OP you are really over thinking this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMark your response is dead on but I want to clarify that I didn't meet this guy online and fell hopelessly in love with words. We met in the states through a very good mutual friend. We started dating when he returned to the UK after much persuasion. I am still very careful of what I'm doing with him. Yes I may not know this man at all but does distance really matter? I dated a man for two years who lived 15 mins from me but had the biggest hidden secrets and agenda. No one knows how these things play out. I can only trust God that if he's a fraud he will be exposed like everybody else before damages are done.I just need to know these responses for personal guidance. He has a kid I don't. His business is one thing but he also works and I've seen him on Skype at work and seen his badge. He can relocate because he still has his business to fall on while he seeks other opportunities.
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reader, Mark1978  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 OP you are over thinking this so, so much! Making love, telling each other you love them, planning going for days out, proposals and so forth should be something that happens naturally, not to some timescale, answer from the internet or crosses on a calendar. As for his employment, we cant simply say "he should apply to work for such and such with his degree" as UK degrees are different to a US degree.
First off have you ever actually met this guy in person? If you haven't yet met in person then to be blunt talk of love, marriage and proposals is, quite frankly, extremely naïve. Until you meet someone and spend time with them face to face you don't know them at all. Ever. Texts, emails, calls and face book is very, very different to real life. Sorry but its true. If you have not met in real life he could be very different to his online/telephone persona. He could, no disrespect, have a personal hygiene issue or a rink problem or be in a very different job to what he claims. Having done internet dating and got to know and like people online, I have usually been very disappointed (or they with me) when we met for the first time.
Chatting via social media, phone and text or email allows us to be what we want to be. We can take our time to form a sexy, witty or intelligent, well written response. Face to face we don't have time to reconstruct or rewrite our replies or think of something good to say, we have to be quick to avoid a silence. A lot of people who are very chatty online are awkward face to face.
You also need to ensure you don't get used as a ticket to a green card. Do you know how many brits claim to be "Business men" and win the hearts of women in the US or Canada/New Zealand to use that person as a means to live in a different country. Don't just take his word that he is a businessman and moving to your home out of love. You need to be very wary and have your wits about you. Sorry but you sound quite naïve here OP.
REMEMBER (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) IF THE TWO OF YOU MARRY HE CAN LEGALLY STAY IN THE US. You don't want him disappearing once he gets his ticket to stay in America.
Even if you have met a few times, expecting marriage with someone you don't even know very well in real life is silly. You need to A: accertain his motives are honourable, and B: get to know each other in real life before you can even consider marriage or living together.
What happens if he moves in with you and makes a right mess or expects you to cook, clean, wash up and so forth? What if he has a lot of debt? Hardly something to declare while emailing you undying love. You don't want the authorities knocking on your door because he owes thousands.
Think this through please. You have fallen in love with someone online who claims to love you and be a business man wanting to move to the US to be with you. Oh and he is to propose in five months? All sounds like he is looking for a green card im sorry. Why would a businessman give up his business and go and live in another country with someone he only knows in the virtual world?
Even if he is genuine, talk of proposals and so on when you have never even lived together or slept together is crazy. You don't really know him. No matter how much intimacy, love and emotion is in texts and emails and phone calls its not like real life.
Im sorry if I sound harsh but you need to be realistic.
Mark
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reader, MSA +, writes (8 September 2014):
 First of all, congrats on finding a guy who understands you and melts your heart. Also, Kudos for taking a leap of faith and trying LDR. You appear to have a lot of confidence in yourself, which may work out well for your LDR, because the last thing you'd want in a LDR is insecurity.
I'm currently in a LDR.. he's only 6 hrs away by plane. We've been together for 9 months now and it's just getting stronger and stronger.
Here are my answers to your questions:
#1. There's no right or wrong time to say 'I Love You' or who should say it first. If you feel it at that moment to say it, just say it. Be natural, don't think too much about it. These expressions (I love you, I miss you, etc) should always come naturally.
#2. A lot of people will tell you to hold off on sex until the 3rd or 4th or even 5th meeting. For me, it was his first visit, after going out on 3 dates. Was it too soon? No, because it felt right. Did the chemistry dwindle after we had sex? Did he seem less interested? Did we lose any jind of connection? None at all. What did happen was feelings grew stronger, connection was deeper. Trust your heart and you will know when is the right time.
#3. Because he is relocating to be with you, I feel it is definitely OK for him to move in with you. The right time to buy a house together is when ever you've saved enough to buy that house. I don't believe loving someone and wanting to spend forever with that person should be based on whether he/she can afford a house.
#4. I suppose at the next family gathering, after he's relocated to live with you would be the ideal time to meet close relatives. The Holidays are coming up, why not then?
#5. Have you asked him what he wants to do? What kind of jobs he's interested in? I understand you have a plan for him and you want to watch out for him. However, it is best to see what he wants. Make sure he's comfortable is key.
#6. Of course you should take him around. After a while I'm sure he will give input. Like when my BF visited, I showed him around and then next time he came over, he would say he would like to re-visit this place and that place etc.
Best if luck to you!! Remember communication is key.. he will be the best person to answer your questions! ^_^
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