A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Me and this guy are sort of in an LDR thing. We met in December and swapped numbers (we met in person) but I was visiting a friend 100 miles away and that's where I met the guy and he is coming to visit me in my town in a few weeks time. It's not an official relationship just yet, we do like each other but obviously we need to spend more time in each others company before we start calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, so for now we are "exclusively seeing each other" because he has told me he is hoping for it to progress into a long term relationship and I have said the same and for now, we have told each other that we would only like it if both of us only spoke to each other, and didn't keep our options open, because to be fair, we have gotten to know each other quite a bit, and we have decided if things go well when he comes to see me, then we will be taking steps in regards to where this is going, if there is any hope for a long term thing, etc...Now ever since I left that town and came back to my home, me and him have literally been talking to each other all day, every single day. Literally, from when we wake up, all throughout the day, until we sleep. It's not a quick reply thing, we're out, both doing our thing and we just reply to each other whenever we have the time to, so there will be a few hour intervals between some messages, but if we're both at home relaxing then we'll obviously reply much quicker. He doesn't like phone calls and I do, but I don't want to force him to speak on the phone if that's not what his thing is, because I know many people that just don't like speaking on the phone. So we have had one phone conversation which lasted a few hours, but other than that, it's just texting all day - which I think makes up for the phone calls because I do feel like I know quite a bit about him seeing as we're always talking.But recently, I would say over the last week, he has been off. Not 'off' in a bad way, but something just doesn't feel right. He has been ignoring some of my messages, I'd say only around 3 or 4 of them anyway. Now we speak on Blackberry Messenger, for those of you who don't know, you can see when someone has read your message, when someone changes their picture, name or status.As of recently, he has opened the message and just ignored it (he never did this before) now we could be in mid-conversation, I may even have asked a question or he asked me something and I replied and he has just not replied back, so I'm not one to carry on typing. Then he would make a new conversation the next day, or maybe the day after that, and it was bugging me so today I asked "You love disregarding some of my messages nowadays lol" - I tried to not be too serious. And he wrote "Sometimes I just don't feel like talking, nothing personal babe. Can you imagine, when we wake up, all throughout the day until we both go to bed, most times I just like to just be in my zone". - I didn't take this personally, I know he's a quiet guy that likes to be alone with his thoughts, I know our personalities are pretty different, I'm the really outgoing, talkative and quirky type, whereas he's more of the quiet, laid-back, observant type who doesn't like to socialise as much as I like to socialise. So I can understand when he says he likes to be in his zone and doesn't want to talk all the time, but he didn't seem to have a problem with it for the 3 months that we did speak all the time, so I mentioned that and he wrote "I wanted you to get a little bit comfortable with me, but there's no way I can keep it up 24/7" - which again, I understand. Talking to the person you like ALL the time can get boring, and you can run out of things to say, and there's no time to "miss" talking to them, but at the same time, we're not even "in a relationship" yet. Yes, I know him but there is soooo much more that I need to learn about him, and the fact that he opens my message and just doesn't bother to reply kinda confuses me, only because he doesn't HAVE to open it and read it. He can just read it when its suitable for him, and it's not like I'm always speaking to him every minute of the day, he can reply after a couple of hours, we both make equal amounts of effort to start a conversation so it doesn't make sense when he says he doesn't want to talk if he's the one talking and then randomly ignoring? (eg. He asked me a question first, I then replied and asked him the same thing back, and he ignored it.) Does anyone have any opinion on this? He didn't have a problem before, now he does.If he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't have to ignore the message, he just has to simply leave it there and open it whenever he does feel like speaking and the conversation can just pick up from where it left off, I am not asking for instant replies, but we are LDR, we don't get to spend time with each other face to face, he doesn't like phone calls, the only other method of communication is texting. We could skype but that's another ballgame which I don't want to bring up now that I have realised he doesn't want to talk as much.But for me, I feel like if I don't speak to him, it's just going to delay the process of getting to know him, me speaking to him every day and replying throughout the day has helped me pick up on little things about him.I don't know if I'm in the wrong for thinking like this, do you think it's okay to not speak all the time considering the circumstances I mentioned above of it being an LDR and him not liking phone calls, if we stop texting as well, when are we going to speak?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Your welcome x
Mandy x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Perhaps you can talk to him about this when he comes to visit you and make him understand that, if he wants things to progress to lomg term, then you need to find a compromise between his need for space and yours for communication. A conversation in person is always clearer and more effective than hundred of texts :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dear Mandy for your input x
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 March 2013):
Just remember guys don't do the phone thing all the time,and not overly talkative on the phone. yeah just sit back a bit and let him come to you, if you don't hear from him in ..lets say a week ( of nothing ) then would go your seperate ways.
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both again for the comments and opinions you have stated. I don't think I'm high maintenance, I'm simply finding it hard to adjust as I've been so used to him talking all the time.Don't get me wrong, it's not just me that's talkative. Whenever the conversation ended he always used to say something else to carry on talking, it's not as if I was the one trying to speak and he was the one "making an effort" for me, he enjoyed speaking just as much as I did.Now, ever since we had that chat about him wanting to cut down on talking, I've just been finding it difficult to adjust. It's gone from one drastic to another, we barely speak.Over the last 3 days, we have exchanged about 2 or 3 texts, which is a couple of minutes of talking - to me that is nothing. It doesn't even get to the "how was your day?" stage before he just stops replying again, and then he'll just reply the next day.So I'm thinking to not overthink things for now, and hopefully things will get back to how they were, maybe he's busy, maybe he isn't in the mood to speak at the moment, but the best option for me may just be to go with the flow, and if the contact between us stays like this, I may have to end it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 March 2013):
I admit that my opinion is biased , so probably not valid, because I belong to a pre- social media , and even pre-text , generation, where everybody managed perfectly to meet, mate , make love without 24/7 technology other than the phone, but, TBH, you do sound quite high maintenance to me, the poor guy must feel as if he has one of those electronic bracelets for house arrests.
He TOLD you he needs his space, and a few hours a day to do his own thing. Which may legitimately include having conversations with other people. Yes, I know, you took him literally when he said he wants have time to not speak. Well, imagine how you would have taken it if he said " I want to have time to not speak with YOU " - very personally, like a war declaration, seen the way you are taking his not responding 4 or 5 texts in weeks ! So he has been diplomatic, but basically that 's what he means, and, mind you, it does not have to mean that he does not like you, does not want you, does not think of you, etc.etc. Simply, as he has TOLD you clearly, that he does not " do " intimacy, he does not " do " coupledom all day long , or for extended periods of time, or at the same emotional intensity you'd expect. If this frequency and level of communication is a must for you, then he is not the right person for you, - otherwise , if you are flexible, no need to get paranoid just because you aren't in his thoughts 24/7 and he is keeping SOMETHING of himself to himself.
I imagine that you think it was a bait-and-switch because he was so communicative the first 3 months, but, cut him some slack, I don't think he did it on purpose to deceive you. It's just that it's natural for people to put their best foot forward when they are pursuing, it's the courtship phase, does not last forever - once he feels on more solid ground, and that he has got your attention, and a place in your heart, he can relax and be more like himself.
As for "delaying the process of getting to know him " , first of all, what's the rush ? does the process have to be completed by a set date, ? it is a process, not a school assignment- and second : oh please- by text ? Do you think you get to know someone deeply by text ? I am willing to believe that you may be the lucky exception, but I've never seen people conduct deep, meaningful, soul revealing exchanges by text. 95% is mundane chitchat. I am sure that , as a woman in love , or at least with a crush, you want to know everything about him, what music he listened to, what movies he watched, what food he ate etc . etc....but, if he tells you a few hours, or actually a few days later, isn't it the same ?
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 March 2013):
HI
He maybe be talking to other people for different conversation. TBH I wouldn't want to speak to the same person day in day out, I like to have different conversations with different people, it's Good to keep the mind exercised so to speak. Try to not go online so much, it will only keep bugging you and make you overthink things. I understand your frustration but it will only put him off if you come across to eager and desperate ( not saying you are this way ) just this is what a anyone would think if they feel they are being watched with there every move. Get out and about a bit more with friends, take your mind off him a bit. If it's meant to be it will be. :)
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your opinions and comments.
I just wanted to add though, that I don't mind that he doesn't talk all the time, I don't want constant communication but it'll be where he will stop replying to me but stay online for the next 2 to 3 hours, which is where my paranoia kicks in, because if he says he likes to have his alone time and not speak, why is he still popping up online and speaking to other people.
That part left me a bit confused.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (13 March 2013):
HI
I can understand where your coming from, to be one way for 3 months then change from nowhere would piss me off to be honest, a week maybe two yeah fine, but 3 months!!! it sounds like his bored now and probablly realises that a LDR will be too much effort, so will slowly fade away untill you dont text him. If he does show up in a few weeks time I would NOT get sexual in anyway with him, maybe a hello kiss , see how he will be with you, don't fall into the honey trap ( real you in , get what he wants then you never here from him again ) if he really likes you he will respect you for not allowing anything other than a kiss or two when you meet. Untill then I would text maybe once or twice every other day just to say hi, or if you can dont text him unless he texts you.
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2013):
 I do this all the time - I read messages, then I wont bother replying for sometimes days at a time! Some people simply are not into talking, I personally hate texting, phone calls....all of that is just a pain to be honest. Its not that I'm super busy all the time (I do have a very busy schedule but do have some downtime), I just dont like to spend my downtime texting and talking and thinking of things to say and questions to ask.
He has made it very clear to you that he isnt really into talking all the time, you know his personality and you have said yourself you are different. He has even been honest that for the first 3 months he was happy to do it because you were getting to know each other and he just wanted you to feel comfortable, because clearly he recognises that you are a very talkative person and he was trying to make an effort for you. He has told you in clear English he cannot keep that kind of contact up 24/7, I dont really know what you dont understand?
He has been honest with you and you know that your personalities are different, so stop expecting him to be in touch all the time. Who cares if he reads a message and then replies a few hours later, it doesnt make a difference when he reads it to be honest.
Try and relax, if you like this guy then accept he just has a different personality to you and likes his quiet time, so even though he might take a while to respond it doesnt mean that he is not interested in you. Yes you are LDR, but it doesnt mean you have to talk 24/7. It doesnt sound like he will stop texting, he just cant maintain the level of contact you had at first. So relax, stop stressing and dont worry so much. If he stops talking to you entirely and doesnt speak to you in a week, then yes you would have cause to be worried. But even if you just hear from him once or twice a day, that is absolutely fine.
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