A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone! Let me start off by apologizing for this long post and giving many thanks to everyone who reads it. xxI really need some helpful advice to pull my boyfriend back to me. I'm 31 and my boyfriend's 35. We've been together for 3 years but don't live together. We don't see each other very much during the week due to work schedules but spend the weekends together. Anyway, over the last 6 months or so he's started distancing himself. He doesn't text as often (and he was always a nonstop texter), he doesn't invite me over anymore (he always did) but instead gives me an open invitation to come anytime I want. He doesn't tell me he loves and misses me as much now either. He told me that it's because I bitch, complain and nag too much. He told me that I try acting like his mother more than a girlfriend. He actually told me yesterday (during a fight) that he feels like he's dating a high school girl and I'm her mother bitching about what he should and shouldn't do while dating my daughter. I've carried some insecurity/jealousy from past relationships with me and for some reason they started coming to the surface when my boyfriend went out of town for work. He moved out of state from Feb-July and since then nothing's been the same. We've had a hard relationship since the start, dealt with a lot of stress from family/friends deaths/emergencies/problems, but have stuck by each other through everything. I stayed the weekend with him and we talked about this yesterday and he says he's tired of my mouth, that my mouth is ruining everything. He says I've started bitching about everything and he can't handle it anymore.He told me that he got used to me bitching to the point that he doesn't want to send a text because he'll have to sit there and listen to me for hours on end rant and rave about something I've made up in my head. I asked him if he wants to break up and he said no. He told me yesterday that he's in love with me and still loves me but that my mouth is a major problem.Because of my past I sometimes over-think things and get this idea in my mind of what he's really doing and then it all goes to hell from there. There's been a time or two where he's lied to me about his whereabouts simply to keep me from turning it around and finding some way to get mad at him for it. Example, he told me one time he was at work when he'd really gotten off early, went home to play xbox and didn't want to listen to me fight about how he either "a) didn't work at all or b) didn't text me when he got off work" or something along those lines.I understand, fully, that I've been the problem and am trying to work my issues out but him still distancing himself is keeping me from working through this. It's making me want to contact him more and ask him a million questions about us. Him pushing me away is playing into my insecurities and making things worse for me. I feel like I'm doing all the work anymore to keep us together and that he simply no longer cares.His texts are few, his affection has decreased and our sex life has taken a toll. We used to have sex ALL the time, anywhere and everywhere, and now it's not like that. He hardly ever comes onto me anymore and this is a man who LOVES seeing me naked in a fully lit bedroom and gets overly excited if I just shake my boobs. Now it's as if it takes an act of congress for him to get turned on around me, and I know this an emotional thing due to my mouth. He said str8 out my mouth is ruining our sex life. We still have sex but it's not the same. The times he *does* initiate it it feels like we're both really bored, not into it and doing it "just because". It's hard to explain but I know some of you know what I'm talking about.He said yesterday he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't know how to "change back" into how he used to be when I drill him constantly. After our talk yesterday we had a great loving romantic evening and I thought everything was going to be fine. Today, I can still feel the distance and he hasn't made any real effort to contact me. I had to initiate it, again. I don't know what to do here. What can I do to pull him back to me? To make him fall in love with me all over again? To bring back the old Josh that I fell in love with?? He says he wants me to go back to the old bubbly giggly girlfriend I once was but I don't know how while he's being distant. Please help me, we do love each other but we can't seem to get back on track. Where do I start?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I'm sorry but from your post it sounds as if you are only remorseful that you're now suffering the consequences of your verbally and emotionally abusive behavior (being abandoned), and you don't feel any remorse for causing emotional damage to another human being. You have some nerve expecting him to be there for you and help you undergo change after how you treated him, and saying you feel as if you're doing all the work in this relationship now. Don't you think HE was the one doing all the work in the last 3 years by taking the abuse you were dishing out and not dumping you sooner?Now that you've destroyed his desire to be anywhere near you, all you care about is that you are suffering the consequences of being rejected and feeling that discomfort and you want the status quo back. You STILL show zero empathy and compassion for the emotional scars you have given him. You want to change only as much as it takes to get him back, you really are not caring about him at all or you would not even think it appropriate to ask him to come back let alone be BLAMING him for your difficulty in changing yourself. I cannot advice you on how to achieve your selfish ends. I can only suggest that you try to be less selfish and realize the relationships are a two way street and not all to serve your needs and for you to do as you please to the other person and still complain they are not up for yet more of your abuse.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 You need to give him MORE TIME to come back. It takes time! You need to be patient. It can take as much as a year, you can expect changes in just a few months. First he needs to cool down and stop pulling away. That happens when you stop the negative behaviour that made him pull away. So now he's come to a stop, which is what you are seeing. He's not close yet, but he's not further and further away! He's come to a halt. Then he needs to see that you have permanently changed. And to prove this, you need to use time. It can take at least 3 months, but it could take more, depending on him and his ability to trust someone again. Building up trust takes a very long time. In this period, you can't afford any slip-ups. Keep writing your journal. Save up money so that you can eventually see a therapist, or look into options for seeing a therapist for less money. Many priests/churches offer services where you can talk to the priest confidentially. Look into that. Use this period to sort things out within yourself. Let him sort himself out, and give him the time he needs. He's not "staying" away, how can you know. He's distant, yes, but it would be too much to expect him to be all lovey dovey so soon, when you've just barely begun the changes.
I say give it at least a year.
The next step would be to get closer. He will do this slowly, one little step at a time. He will be on the lookout in case you have a fall back. When he comes closer, you must be careful to not ask for more than he is ready to give. If he texts you that means he is reaching out for you. Be happy. Be grateful. That will show him you appreciate it, and know how to react to it in a balanced and calm manner. When he sees this, he will be more inclined to text you.
Perhaps you can keep a journal of how long you give him before you initiate contact, and how often he texts you? In times when you feel down and you feel he is distant it can be good to look back at how often he does reach out, and remind yourself of those times. So that you see it is not completely hopeless.
But, you might not be cut out to wait the required time. That is up to you though, how much is he worth to you? Is he worth the wait? He will come back, I believe he will, if you have the patience to let him come to you at his own speed.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 OP, journalling is a good start but it isn't going to help you in the same way as therapy does. Have you tried the options So_Very_Confused mentioned? It's true that therapists offer a sliding scale of fees, and you could have sessions fortnightly rather than weekly to bring down the cost. I know it still isn't cheap, but it's a very worthy investment in yourself.
Have a look at the http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ website. It's a good resource for people with, well, baggage. Though no replacement for therapy.
I'm not saying therapy will magically bring Josh back to you, but it should help make you a happier, healthier person. For yourself.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 September 2013):
You seem to be ignoring a lot of the advice you got here. I really think you should show him that you want to change by doing something that will help you change. Therapy doesn't mean you're crazy, it just can give you tools to figure out better ways of dealing with things.
I've broken up with 2 women I cared about, not because I fell out of love, but because I couldn't deal with their bullshit. They all promised to change, but in the end it wasn't possible without professional help.
Your boyfriend probably wants you back. But he's not stupid, he knows that all the promises in the world won't stop you from going back to your old ways. That goes for everyone, not just you.
It's like when someone cheats. Making them promise to not do it again is a waste of time. Being controlling is a waste of time. Figuring out the real reason it happened and fixing the problem is the only way to prevent it.
I cheated on only one girl my whole life. Multiple times. But I really cared about her. Why did I do it when she was a better gf than I'd ever had? Because her actions sometimes made me extremely insecure. I'm not justifying it, but I wouldn't have cheated if she had behaved a little different.
I had a girl cheat on me once. We had a fight and I left her at a party. She got drunk, saw a guy that she used to have a huge crush on and slept with him. I made her promise to never do it again, but the next time we had a fight she did it. So I dumped her, because her problem was insecurity (she thought it was only a matter of time until I cheated). I didn't have the patience or forgiveness for therapy, so I dumped her.
Relationship problems need an honest diagnosis and an effective treatment. Without an effective treatment you'll be back where you started in no time. In your case that means he'll dump you for good.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2013):
 There is no quick fix when it comes to this. You are right to let him be. I’m thinking it will be months and months before it can be resolved. If you are not living together going a day or two without contact at this point seems reasonable since you are trying to fix broken
IF you cannot deal with the situation the way it is (and clearly you can’t) and you refuse to get therapy to help work it through then perhaps leaving him or “taking a break” is the option. BTW, using I have no money as an excuse does not work there are plenty of places that do it for a sliding scale, check Associated Catholic Charities or Associated Jewish Charities in your area for two places to start. They will base your fee on what you earn and what your bills are….
As for asking him if HE wants a break… Screw that… stop doing EVERYTHING to make him happy. IF he can’t make YOU happy the way HE is behaving now…. Then take CARE OF YOURSELF and LEAVE HIM.
How about this:
“boyfriend’s name, I admit there have been problems in the past due to my insanity. I have taken what you said to heart and I am working on these issues FOR ME (and it better be FOR YOU NOT FOR HIM). However, I fear the damage done to US is too deep and complex for us to get over. You are currently doing what YOU need to do to take care of yourself but it’s negatively affecting me. Therefore I need to do something very painful in order to help myself cope, I am ending our relationship for now. Maybe later on when you are not so angry and I am not so hurt, we can talk about dating again. But for now, I think that being apart (and going NO CONTACT) is best for both of us.”
Then DO IT. GO NO CONTACT…. Do not text him. Do not watch him on facebook, do not drive by his house, do not call him. Do not email him. JUST let him be. Give it 4 weeks and see how you feel and what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTherapy was never an option (financially) so 2 months ago, when he moved back here, I started to journal. He was gone from early Feb until late July. He told me right before moving back here that he wanted to start new and work things out once he got back. At that time I started using a journal as an outlet so my bitching/nagging has been under control. That hasn't been the issue over the last couple of months. However, I understand it's what initially pushed him away, the problem now is him STAYING away. I've been working on myself and am doing A LOT better but the problem I'm facing is that he's pulled away and isn't coming back.He's no longer doing anything to show he's interested. It's as if I'm "out of sight out of mind". He may send me one text in a 24 hr period that says "love you" or "miss you" and then go the entire next day without saying anything. 2 days later he may say something short again. There's NO real communication now. This wouldn't be a problem if he came this way, but he didn't. He's also no longer inviting me over, as he used to always show interest in that. What happens anymore is come Friday or Saturday I text him and say "hey are we getting together?" and then he'll say yeah and let me know when he's getting off work. If I don't plan it, or initiate it, it doesn't seem to be happening. He acts as if he doesn't care if we talk or not, if we see each other or not. He just doesn't seem concerned at all. When I am at his place he seems fine, he wants to lay and cuddle and do what we always did and acts like nothing's wrong... but there clearly is.Like I said in my original post, I tried talking to him about this last Sunday and he said he's been programmed to NOT text me now because I'd have a fit about something and it's gonna take more than 2 days to get him comfortable with doing it again. He told me straight to my face Sunday that he doesn't tell me where he's at and what he's doing anymore for fear of me having a freak out and starting drama. I've been working on my issues and all's going well there but when it comes to HIM I'm at a loss. I asked him Sunday if he wants to break up and he said "no, i want to be with you but i can't stand your mouth". He also told me that he loves me and is still in love with me but his actions when I'm away from him are saying something different. I need to know what to do about THIS situation. Do I leave him? Is he forcing me to walk away? He just told me Tuesday night he loves me and I haven't heard from him since, so I'm confused as to what to do here. I can't journal about this and it be fixed so this is different and something that has to actually be resolved by actions. I'm letting him initiate contact and I reply back with something positive, but then he goes distant again so I'm back at square one not knowing what move to make next.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 September 2013):
You seem to be ignoring a lot of the advice you got here. I really think you should show him that you want to change by doing something that will help you change. Therapy doesn't mean you're crazy, it just can give you tools to figure out better ways of dealing with things.
I've broken up with 2 women I cared about, not because I fell out of love, but because I couldn't deal with their bullshit. They all promised to change, but in the end it wasn't possible without professional help.
Your boyfriend probably wants you back. But he's not stupid, he knows that all the promises in the world won't stop you from going back to your old ways. That goes for everyone, not just you.
It's like when someone cheats. Making them promise to not do it again is a waste of time. Being controlling is a waste of time. Figuring out the real reason it happened and fixing the problem is the only way to prevent it.
I cheated on only one girl my whole life. Multiple times. But I really cared about her. Why did I do it when she was a better gf than I'd ever had? Because her actions sometimes made me extremely insecure. I'm not justifying it, but I wouldn't have cheated if she had behaved a little different.
I had a girl cheat on me once. We had a fight and I left her at a party. She got drunk, saw a guy that she used to have a huge crush on and slept with him. I made her promise to never do it again, but the next time we had a fight she did it. So I dumped her, because her problem was insecurity (she thought it was only a matter of time until I cheated). I didn't have the patience or forgiveness for therapy, so I dumped her.
Relationship problems need an honest diagnosis and an effective treatment. Without an effective treatment you'll be back where you started in no time. In your case that means he'll dump you for good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I'm going to do that. When we first got together this is how he was, distant and then as we talked and spent more time together he became closer to me, so I'll pretend like it's the beginning and the start of a new relationship. It's hard as hell but I don't want to lose him forever. I'm really walking on eggshells here. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that finally pushes him over the edge. I'm giving him space but I'm also worried, within this space, he'll move on. Gosh, this stinks. Thanks for the advice. xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2013):
he sent you a text last night... have PATIENCE.... and get some therapy as suggested.
you are expecting way too much from him. A daily text is plenty till he reclaims his feelings... pretend it's brand new... give him space to miss you and show him that you REALLY are working on changing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post and give advice. I'm feeling *really* discouraged this morning. Since I posted this, I've been letting him initiate the texts and they're still very few and short. The last time he text was last night around 9pm and it said "love you". When he texts I reply back and then leave it be, and then maybe 12 hours later he'll text something else very short. He's definitely still a million miles away and there's no conversation going on, just short 1-2 word texts once/twice a day. I'm really sad right now and feel like it's hopeless. I feel like the longer he distances himself it's just giving him more time to move on and ready to be with someone else. I really love this guy but I don't know if I should keep doing what I'm doing and letting him come to me or if I should just force myself to let him go. I want him to be close to me again, like he once was, and there's no sign of that happening. :(
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 September 2013):
He's not going to let you back in his life until you change. He's falling out of love with you more and more every day you don't change.
So, as already suggested, you need to change, the best way being therapy. I second Chigirls advice about how to handle it.
I've been in his shoes and it suck when someone's crazy ruins the relationship. But for him, he can always move on and find someone who's easier to deal with. But unless you seek professional help, you're going to have this kind of trouble following you around until you're on your death bed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): What brilliant advise from Chigirl!
OP, I agree that you should seek therapy, and tell your boyfriend. I realised this myself after a string of failed relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on me (actually I was unknowingly the Other Woman), so did the next one, and I have huge trust issues. I'm a nightmare to be in a relationship with, so I am staying single until I feel ready.
Good luck with your situation x
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 September 2013):
I have ONE answer for you. And if you do as I tell you, then you should stand a good chance (or at least the best chance you can get) at getting him back. Because right now, he's out the door, he just hasn't made it official yet. But he's left you, and he left you some time ago. Understandably so, you've been honest with us about how you have behaved and taken responsibility, which is good. And you seem like you are sincere in wanting to be with your boyfriend and sincere in your feelings for him. Which is why I will tell you what you must do.
And trust me on this one.
Go see a therapist/psychologist. Enter treatment for your paranoia/hysteria/jealousy or what you want to call it. Temper tantrums, anger management. It can go by many names. Go see a professional. You have used your boyfriend as a tool to make yourself feel better, you've taken it out on him. The very best thing you can do for him now is also the best thing you can do for yourself, and that is to seek professional help.
Do NOT continue with this pattern of taking it out on your boyfriend. Push the alert button on yourself if you feel the feelings come creeping. Excuse yourself and don't talk to him if you feel it coming. Just hold it in. And get professional help ASAP. Then load it all out on the professional, cry your heart out there, scream and yell there. But not at your boyfriend.
Tell your boyfriend very calmly that you are in therapy/seeing a psychologist. This costs you lots of money, tell him that, and reasure him that the reason you spend all this money on help is because you realize, finally, that your problems are more than you can handle, and that him leaving you has made you realize this. DO NOT BEG for him to stay with you. He's already left you. Come to terms with that.
This is what you must do to win him back. See a professional. Tell your boyfriend you are seeing a professional. Inform him of the process, when your appointments are, and inform him how it's gone so far, how you like it/don't like it etc. Keep conversations short, very short. Don't ask him much about his day etc, and not NOT react to any thing at all. You're trying to win him back, which means you need to give him space to breathe.
He has to see that you actually ARE making changes. Or else this is a dead run. You have to make changes, not just talk about it, but actually do it. And the absolute best, of not only, place to start is by seeing a therapist/psychologist.
Can you do that? As soon as possible make the first appointment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2013):
You are asking for ways to get a man who says “He actually told me yesterday (during a fight) that he feels like he's dating a high school girl and I'm her mother bitching about what he should and shouldn't do while dating my daughter. “ to you to come back to you.
Why?
You say you have had a hard relationship from the start… relationships are hard work but they are NOT hard and if they are HARD from the beginning that’s an indication that it may not be the best relationship for you. We often stay with bad stuff just because it’s familiar.
Now here’s the key… LET him be in charge… you said at the end of your story:
“After our talk yesterday we had a great loving romantic evening and I thought everything was going to be fine. Today, I can still feel the distance and he hasn't made any real effort to contact me. I had to initiate it, again.”
And that’s the key.. YOU did not have to initiate. He said he loves you and he wants to be with you… I had to learn with my husband… LET HIM COME TO YOU.. just because a man is not in your face 24/7 texting you and calling you all the time does not mean he does not love you and is not committed to you.
IF YOU believe what he has said to be true, then you should work on those things FOR YOU NOT for him. CHANGE for yourself. Give him space and time.
LIVE YOUR LIFE… put him on the fringes of your life NOT the center of it….
I get his feelings of annoyance… I told my husband I was taking off on Wednesday. I have the ability to do so as I wish and I have plenty of time to do so. It does not affect our income or his day in any way for me to have a day off.. but he wants to know WHY… and what I’m doing etc… and I get annoyed at having to JUSTIFY my choice. I’m an adult. The answer then becomes… BECAUSE I CAN!
GIVE this man enough breathing room that he wants you in his space. LET HIM MISS you a bit.
IF you have no life without him... GET ONE....
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 September 2013):
 well, if you think that there is legitimacy to his criticisms of your behavior - and it seems that you do - what you need to do is begin easing up on him.
At present you are trying too hard - WAY too hard - to make it work. YOU know you have insecurity issues based on past relationships, and you also know that he feels you are "hounding" him. Please, try to relax and find other ways to occupy your time when he's not around! Go out with your friends, pursue a hobby or interest you have, read an absorbing book.
Try to reverse your roles. Imagine (as vividly as you can) perhaps taking time to sit down and think about your fears and worries, maybe write it all down; put yourself in HIS place. This might not be easy, so you may want to consider a few counseling sessions to help you deal with your resentment, fears and worries.
Miss P has given you some very good advice in her post - to take notice of it!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): Alrighty, where do you start?1st, by not controlling him and everything. The more you are trying to pull him back to you, the more you are pushing him away. 2nd, by learning to control your tongue.That was the simple abbreviated answer. Now for more:-How do you pull your boyfriend back to you? By RELEASING him. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's the only way. Meaning, set him free to be. He is his own person even though you are a couple. Let him go to work. Allow him to have his "me-time" where he gets a few extra minutes off work and chooses to play X-box to de-stress and what else before he comes searching for you, because he will miss you.Remember the old saying: "if you love someone set them free, if they come back, they are yours, if not, they were never yours to begin with." Well, the same applies here. We can't FORCE our partners to love us, to want to be with us, exclusively and at the cost of all else. So if you give him his freedom, and trust him to do the right thing by you, then he will be happier and that in turn will make you happier and the relationship will go better.The more you try to force someone back to you, the more it will have the opposite effect. It just is. Like Murphy's Law.You are both at an age where you can go to the next step: either move in together or get married, however, based on how your boyfriend is feeling right now, that is far from going to happen. I'm sure if you did go the next step it would help you with your insecurity because you would see each other even more and you would not have to wonder all the time where he is and miss him. This will only change when he feels happy again.He has been very open, honest and direct with you. Should things end right now, you would have known why. This is time for drastic action on your part required!Listen to what he is telling you in big capital letters:"Bitching about everything and he can't handle it anymore."That is serious! That is what is making him avoid contact (texts), why he would rather spend extra free time by himself than with you, and why it's even affecting what was a great intimate life.Now, before I continue - what are you "bitching, complaining and nagging" about? Is it valid? Are you justified? Is he being lazy? Is he not working? Is he not carrying his weight? Is he leaving things dirty and making no effort? Is he a bum? If any of the above are true, then you have bigger problems, then why would you want to be with someone like that? If he is not helping out and being lazy, and when you ask for help he states you are nagging, then it's a completely different picture.However, I don't think the above is the case. I believe it's ... the "insecurity/jealousy from past relationships" that surfaced when he went out of state. You probably got scared and you're reacting to it. When you first said he was out of state from Feb-July and that nothing was the same since and he changed, I first thought, could it be someone else? However, nothing you shared indicates any red flags in that area, why? Because he has been very open, honest and direct as I said, about what is causing the problems. A guy who is cheating tends to not have valid reasons for problems, avoids anything and everything as he is trying to juggle two people. Your boyfriend has not only told you he IS in love with you, that he still loves you, etc. which indicate all is on track. HOWEVER, the big crux is: he is not happy and unless that changes, you may end up losing him.For a guy to admit he feels he is dating the high school girl and her mom is berating him, tells you a lot. It means you need to mature, and fast. You need to separate the guys from the past, with your boyfriend. Whatever they did, does not mean he is the same! When he has told white lies about where he is because he knows how you will react, is also very telling. It means he doesn't feel he can be himself, and share everything. He does love you, and he does care for you, because he is willing to try, but he is getting tired. In fact, he said he "can't handle it anymore."You have both been through a lot, most of us have, and it just brings us closer and makes it worth fighting for and saving!You're very lucky - he has said exactly what he thinks and feels. Now you know what needs action.He admitted how he doesn't want to text you because he will have to listen to you rant about something you have made up. This means you need to work on yourself: your self esteem, confidence, insecurity, jealousy - all these are areas you can work on, which once you get better at handling it, you will respond or react different and will stop ranting ;-) which will mean a less unhappy boyfriend who will be around more, which will make you happy too and you don't have to make him want to come back.You've asked him the fundamental question, if he is wanting to break up and he has said no. If he had someone else, this was the quick and easy time to have said yes, that your ranting and raving got to him and he had enough. However, he has not said that. He still loves you and is in love with you, so you need to respond to that.Look at it again:HE STILL LOVES YOU, AND IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.How does that make you feel? That despite everything, he still loves you? He is still there? He still wants you.Allow that to sink in. Allow that to give your heart peace and courage to face whatever your fears are, of losing him. You will not lose him, if you love him and want his best. You need to spend less time over thinking things, and imagining things, and more time on what is real: he is here, he is in love with you, and he loves you. Work with that.You don't need him to work through this - the work is with YOURSELF. Don't worry if he is distancing himself. He is in self preservation mode. Use this time to work on YOU. Journal and spend quality time with yourself as you re-evaluate your life. Who were you? (growing up, when you were innocent and not self aware) Who are you now? What were your dreams and aspirations in life? Have you met them? Are you still working at some? Work out some goals for yourself, short, medium and long term goals. In all areas of your life. Make a circle on a page, and divide it like a pie, into various slices of your life: God [whatever spiritual beliefs, if any]; family; friends; health; career; hobbies/interests, etc.Then set yourself goals in each of those areas, with short medium and long term goals for each. In terms of spiritual beliefs, re-evaluate where you are at, what you would like to change, etc. Family, what priorities you want to set, quality time with them, etc. The same with your career, what you want to achieve, the same with health: diet and exercise goals, and interests or hobbies, what you love to do in your spare time.Your boyfriend is 1st in your life as it should be, however, don't make your whole world only revolve around him. If, God forbid, something should happen to him, you would be left? shattered and devastated. However, with BALANCE in all areas of your life, you will be healthier, emotionally and physically, to handle anything and everything in life. This in turn will give you the peace you need, and the purpose and direction of your life, with your boyfriend there to share it with you, through the good times and the bad times. Anyone would be shattered at losing a partner but we all need the support structure of family, friends and other interests in life, to keep us balanced. A boyfriend enhances that. He can't be responsible for your happiness. You have to be happy, and live a happy fulfilled life in which he shares in it. We are all accountable for our own happiness. We can't rely on someone else to make us happy. Sure, we find greater happiness when we are with our mate, but it must be mutually shared in being together, doing things we love and sharing life.There is nothing more you need to know about "us". He has told you the most important that you need to know for now. He loves you, he is in love with you, and everything would be great but for your rants and insecurity. So work on those.By doing the above goal setting exercise I suggested, it will build you up, give you direction, and occupy your mind with more than the fear of losing your boyfriend. You will re-discover yourself, hopefully grow as you make new realisations and insights, which in turn will help you with self esteem and confidence issues. Think about your life before you met him - what were you doing? What did you change? Why? Return to your lost loves, whatever that may be: reading? movies? music? friends? salons? pamper time? whatever it was, make time for YOU. Work on YOU.As you do these things and stop contacting him so much, he will wonder what you are up to? He will wonder and get curious. He will start contacting you again.That is when you need to share that you love him too, that you have HEARD him and what he told you. Thank him for his honesty and trust in you with sharing what he thought and felt. Assure him you value his opinion and that you want to make positive changes. Just this paragraph alone will be a breath of fresh air to him. Why? It's not about what he has or has not done. It's not a rant. It's not a wild imagination gone wild. Instead, it's - refreshing. It's positive. You appreciate him, you love him, you want to change and you want both of you to have a happier time going forward, to a happy future. You have both been through so much, it's time for you to enjoy just being, with each other, happily :)He does care, but he is protecting himself from further hurt. Stop counting his texts, stop analysing everything he does or does not do. Stop judging him, full stop.Go back in time: when you met him. What attracted you to him? What made you choose him? Why do you want to be with him? So appreciate that about him. Realise who he is, and what he needs. Don't worry, I'm SURE once you make some changes, your intimate life will return to normal.Everything was fine yesterday, so how can it go from romantic wonderful evening to, he hasn't contacted me so now it's a problem? hmn? Instead, you had special time yesterday, now get on with life and allow the rubber band to stretch, for him to do his thing, you do yours and when he eventually contact him, you don't berate him why he didn't call sooner. You don't give him the 3rd degree about what he has done, where he has been, etc. instead, you welcome his call, and you ask how he is? How has he been? You be GENUINELY interested in him and what he is doing, and what challenges he is facing in life. You share about yourself, and what you have been doing. The highlights, not the rants and raves. Small baby steps to change!You don't "need to make him fall in love with you all over again" he never stopped! He just needs you to accept him, and not question him as if he is guilty of something.Work towards reconnecting with yourself, the bubbly happy girl you were, and the rest will fall into place. If you can't do it alone, speak to a mature family member or friend about working through your insecurities and jealousy. Work on healing from the other relationships so that Josh does not pay for the sins of others. If you still struggle after all the above, consider going for therapy. Hope some of the ramblings above helped!Good LuckMiss P
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