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writes: What does it feel like to "not be over" a previous relationship for girls?I met someone 4 months ago. We've only met 5, may be 6 times during the first 2 months. Since then just texts and a seldom phone call. At first I thought she had gone off me, so thought fair enough and got on with it. But then she'd text and say how much she likes me and really wants to see me again. We'll arrange something and then she'll cancel with some excuse such as she doesn't feel well. Eventually she said her life is not too good and she feels miserable. Then a few weeks later admitted she doesn't think she's over a relationship she had 4 months prior to meeting me. She been living with someone for 3 years to that point.I'm not sure what to do. I really like her, but all of what I have explained she texted me. She will avoid speaking about any of it, so I am thinking of moving on. It's difficult though because I really like, but I don't want to be used as a fall back.Is she thinking of her ex? Wants to get back with him???
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers.
BettyBoup - come to think of it. Not long after I met her she did send me a strange text one day saying she is not sure whether we should see each other because she like me that much, she's afraid of falling for me.
I text her yesterday just to say when she's ready she can call me, but for now she needs some space.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): "What does it feel like to "not be over" a previous relationship for girls?"
The same way it feels for us, painful, sore, confusing, grief all the usual stuff. Still too emotionally invested in a past relationship to be able to start another.
"Is she thinking of her ex?"
Well yeah, that's the very definition of not being over someone, you know yourself OP, a break up is a mind plague for a long while they were part of your life for a long time and when you lose them you lose all the benefits of that relationship too, it's a loss.
"Wants to get back with him???"
Maybe, maybe not but that's irrelevant, what's relevant is that she's not available to you in any kind of meaningful way and most likely never will be.
The choice is yours whether you want to stay and play a long patient game when the chances of getting her are very low.
I'd move on, because there are so many single women out there ready, willing and able to start dating with the view of perhaps becoming more. She represents too high a risk in my view and it's nothing to do with her being special enough to go for it, it's simple statistical probability. She could be the most special person in the world but if she's not interested then you're screwed no matter how long you spend waiting.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (25 August 2012):
 Don't assume that because she is "not over" her ex, that she truly wants to get back with him or wishing he was calling her and spending time with her. I also split from a 3 year relationship and I knew it was the right thing to do and still do now, 8 months later. I met another guy not long after the split and knew he liked me, but nothing happened until very recently because I was not over the last relationship enough to be ready to start again with someone new until now. It's not personal. It's not about this guy being better or someone she still wants to be with, although this is always a possibility. But if you give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she just needs time to come to terms with her 3 year relationship ending. 3 years is a long time to spend with someone, so it will take time to accept that he is not in her life and that this is for the best and for her to feel confident enough to open up to someone new. It's scary dating. It's worse when you've recently gone through hurt. She might really like you and really want to be with you, but she is just not emotionally ready. Like she is afraid of getting hurt again. Even though she has made the conscious decision to move on from her ex, her unconscious mind is still processing all the memories of him and all the experiences and lessons she learned from that relationship. It is a form of grief. Until she has grieved enough, she won't be able to be a fully present girlfriend to someone new. She is aware of that but is torn because she clearly likes you and wants to spend time with you.
Perhaps tell her you understand she needs time to come to terms with her last relationship and that you will give her time to do that. Perhaps you could keep in touch while she is doing this and say the offer to get to know each other or date or whatever still stands, when she is ready if you are still single. Or maybe leave that last part out. But basically say you do like her and would like to date her more, but understand she needs space, and move on, for now. Don't think too much on it. If it is meant to be, when you see each other 2 or 3 or 4 months down the line, you will just pick up from where you left off. Honestly, if it's meant to be it will happen :) It did for me :)
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female
reader, katiekate  +, writes (25 August 2012):
 Typically, when a woman isn't over her ex, she wants him to be the one calling and texting her, not you. When she's with you, she's wishing she was with him. She compares all men to her ex, and usually they won't measure up because she's still in love with the guy. Do yourself a favor and don't let yourself be the rebound. I think you should tell her that you're going to step aside and let her deal with the feelings she still has for her ex, and then if and when she's ready, she's more than welcome to give you a call. And in the meantime, go out with other people. Don't wait around for a chick who's hung up on someone else.
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Just because she's behaving this way doesn't mean she wants to get back with her ex. However, since she confessed to you that she's not over her previous relationship, then she is still thinking of him most probably.The concern here is you, is it alright with you that the girl you are interested with is behaving this way. Because having experienced the same thing as your girl is currently having, not being over a break-up feels like a roller coaster of emotions. One day you are okay, next you're not. It is difficult to adjust to the fact that there used to be someone you love who rings you or messages you, then there is none. There will be days you regret doing this and not the other way around, or not saying things you should have said. You miss the YOU who was in relationship with your ex. That's how it feels. Everyday is a struggle to live and be okay.And honestly? One way to ease this pain is to try to get some attention from others. It is quite normal that women from failed relationships feel like they are the ugliest, most unwanted woman on earth. And so they try to meet other people just to disprove this to themselves. And they like the attention that they are getting.But then, the attention is just like a medicine. Once it uplifts them, they feel they have enough dosage and they back off for a while. They get back to you when they feel they need some attention again. That is because they are not over yet with their last relationship. I have done this in the past that's why I know how it feels. I tried to get to know some guys as well and I admit I was behaving the same way.Lucky for me, there's this guy who never gave up and after a year of pursuing me, I realized I was already into him. He became my boyfriend and at that time, I had already completely recovered from my ex.It's your take. Do you think this girl is worth the wait? Or you can also choose to walk away. But I assure you, your girl is not behaving like this because of you..it is her struggle within herself. Good luck.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I think after a 3 year relationship that 4 months isn't enough time to be moving on to someone new. What it feels like is missing that person and how he made you feel, how he understood you and knew you so well, remembering everything you would do together and now not having any of it. It's still fresh in her mind and she's not over it yet. So when trying to move on too soon you compare the new guy to your old guy. You wish he was doing what your ex would be doing. So that makes you want the ex even more because you were so comfortable with him and you just don't feel that with the new date. That's why people say not to do a rebound, it just makes you feel worse in the end and miss your ex even more. She needs time alone to move past the relationship and not rush moving into another one. Meaning you just need to move on as well. Maybe sometime far down the line when she has truly moved past this you can date. Or she could end up back with her ex, as I did. Unfortunately you just met at a bad time.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 August 2012):
 ALL you really need to "know" is that you are - at best - Number 2... or, more likely, a fallback for when she doesn't have something/someone else to get and keep her attention.....
Aren't you "worth" more than that????
"Fuggedabouter".......
Good luck....
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2012):
 It feels the same as it does for guys. We don't feel emotions differently. Also in your age bracket, women, not girls.
Sounds like it's exactly what she said. She likes you, but isn't over her ex and doesn't think it's fair to you to be with you while you won't be number one in her life. I think you're trying to read more into it because you do really like her and are hoping there's more to it, but I don't think there is. She probably wants to like you, but she just can't get over this other guy. You should try to move on with your life.
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