A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wanted to ask this question mostly to married women and particularly to the ones that may relate to what I'm saying. I'm dating this girl for 3 years and I got the feeling she was ready to settle down. So, a couple of weeks ago I got the courage to propose to her and to my relief she said yes. I'm extremely attracted to her, I love her to death and I should be the happiest guy on earth. Yet something is eating me up. I know that most of the times I don't satisfy her in bed. At the beginning of our relationship I was receiving several harsh comments from her and the sex frequency was once a month. I put a lot of effort in this relationship, outside the bedroom, and somehow I managed to turn things around and she started to soften on me. The frequency increased to twice per week, the negative comments stopped and we have a much better relationship now. She never initiates contact but doesn't push me away often either.At this point she manages to get off only 1 out of 10 times. I would say another 1 out of 10 she gets in the mood, but has to resort in getting herself off because I can't hold back any longer and the rest 8 out of 10 she doesn't get into it all and I think she does it only for me. I'm extremely grateful for it and I try to make it up in every other way but it makes me wonder... 1) Is this sustainable for her in the longterm? 2) If your husband keeps being very nice to you, won't you get tired of always offering?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried the suggestion of masturbating earlier but because it takes for me some time to recover earlier means much earlier (by myself in the morning and with her at night) and the difference is not that big.I already know that lasting very little is not something I'm going to get positive points about and that's the reason I try to change that and make up for it in other ways. Generally she likes to be touched, fignered but I wouldn't say the same about oral. She has let me do it a few times and with better results statistically, but there are many times I went for it and she stopped me. He has also pushed my hand away sometimes that she wanted to get off following the "unsatisfactory" intercourse. Other times she lets me finish her off. I think I know what turns her on and what she likes but I'm confused because it's not something that will get her going every time. So, many times I'm asking myself, should I or shouldn't I? With that said I haven't found anything that will make her beg for it.This weekend I tried your suggestion of prolonging foreplay and making sure she was satisfied. Somewhere between half hour and three quarters of an hour I managed to satisfy her manually. I don't recall us having a similar encounter in the past and I was so worked up that when my time came it the results were embarassing to say the least. She asked what happened to me and I said that today I wanted to make sure she was satisfied before I helped myself and that making out for so long was more than I could handle. I also said I want to do that more often. Given our recent discussion she asked me what has gotten into me and I have these thoughts after I proposed. I told her that I loved her and that I want to be able to satisfy her, now and in the future. I know that I have control problems but I want her to lust after me as I do after her. Her response was that there are times she knows she won't have an orgasm but she likes the physical closeness with me and she wants to make me happy. I replied that I want to make her happy too and from one side I feel I overwhelm her because I'm always the one to approach and from the other side I don't deliver. She admitted that she doesn't approach me because I don't give her room to do so as I ask much more often. We agreed that we'll approach each other alternatively when we are in the mood. She accepted to initiate contact when she's in the mood with two conditions.1) She already warned me that if I wait for her to initiate we'll make love much less, which I agreed to. But if she "forgets about me" I need to remind her because she's afraid that she's going to starve me2) When it my time to initiate she wants me to enjoy it and start and stop stressing about lasting more.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I agree with PerhapsNot.
Maybe try masturbating before sex so that you don't come so early?
Also, the next time you have sex, try focusing on her pleasure. Make it a rule that you can't come until she does. Women are capable of having more than one orgasm per session. Maybe there's a lot about her body that you have yet to discover?
Do you know all her erogenous zones? Do you know what turns her on? Does she ever tell you about things you do that she finds sexy? Does she like oral, or fingering? Have you ever teased her? Do you know what gets her worked up to the point where she's begging for it?
Once you have all this information, you can then use that to your advantage.
She probably doesn't initiate sex with you because right now, she goes in with the mindset of "oh I'm not going to come", so she doesn't come. Women are emotional beings, as well as physical. We often need to be in the right mindset to be able to have an orgasm.
I hope this helps you. She probably hasn't said anything because she didn't want you to feel any less of a man, which is very nice of her. You have to thank her now in your own way.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (8 December 2011):
 "The truth is there very little foreplay because I get very worked up and I can't hold back at all. Given the circumstances though I could try to prolong this part knowing in advance that I'm not going to last during intercourse. Would women prefer that?"Yes, she would prefer that. If you have little foreplay, you might as well count on failure. If you get sex twice a week and you can't last because you get too worked up, you have an issue. I hate to say it, but no one likes a 1 minute man. Maybe you should masturbate at least once before having sex, so you can last longer?"With her not initiating, I need to be the one who's making the first move."I couldn't disagree more. You don't want to wait for her to approach you sexually because you know your twice a week would be out of the window. Probably even once a week. What you need to understand is this: if you never give her a chance to approach you sexually and you're the only one to initiate sex, she will grow to resent you. Give her breathing space and let her come to you. I can't imagine sex being great if the other partner is half dead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I would like to thank all of you for your responses as they give me perspectives I don't have. The most common comment was that I need to talk with her and I did exactly that. She confirmed my observations about my abilities or the lack of them (i.e. 1/10) but overall she's happy with me, although she expressed an interest for more relaxing non-sexual massages which will require some schedule changes (ok...point taken). I don't dismiss the chance that she might mask her true feelings and say that not to hurt mine.
I always want to improve and I can definately incorporate some ideas mentioned in our sexlife like longer foreplay, use more subtle ways of approach, share other intimate moments (like the massages she asked for) or even substitute intourcourse with other romantic moments so she doesn't feel that I always approach her when I want to get off. In general I'm being romantic but maybe not enough in the bedroom. The truth is there very little foreplay because I get very worked up and I can't hold back at all. Given the circumstances though I could try to prolong this part knowing in advance that I'm not going to last during intercourse. Would women prefer that?
As I said in my original message I'm very grateful for what I'm getting. I don't think I push for sex, or at least I don't mean to. With her not initiating, I need to be the one who's making the first move. If she's not in the mood and doesn't even want to start something I never insist but I try again the next day. If I approach her and she says yes, the only thing I can do is try to please her. I could ask less (like once a week instead of twice) but I'm thinking that now she has only one orgasm each month from me and another one which is self induced because at least I managed to get her somewhere. If I ask for less, I'm afraid I'll get off even faster and frequency of her orgasms may go down to one every three months or less and I hate for that to happen.
I do worship her, I know she's getting married to me because I'm kind, stable and extremely nice to her because honestly she's out of my league but I wish I won't have to live through an affair or divorce. I hope we are not like my 4th response and we are more like the 2nd one. She doesn't show any interest in other men whatsoever and I believe she has some interest in me sexually because our sex life has improved a lot since we started dating. I'll try all the suggestions made and those that they may follow because I don't want us to grow appart or for her to get sick of me...
We haven't set a date yet but she has expressed an interest in settling down and starting a family. I'm not rushing into marriage but I can't delay it for years to test how things will be, especially since I'm the one at "fault". I'll keep everybody posted with any news I have on the subject. Thanks again everyone.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (7 December 2011):
Yeah you need to talk to her about this. Have you spoken to her about what turns her on, and what she likes and doesn't like? Do you participate in foreplay before the actual sex? Do you ever romance her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): You need to talk to her about this. If she can't orgasm through intercourse, certainly you can bring her to orgasm some other way? It sounds like something is wrong with the emotional connection if she never initiates anything. Something is wrong overall with those results. I predict she will get sick of this quickly.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (6 December 2011):
1/10 is pretty bad if you ask me. With those type of results, why would she initiate sex or even enjoy it? Also if she is in the mood 1/10 times and 8/10 she is only doing it to please you - well, I have to ask, why are you pushing for sex? Don't you think it's kind of selfish? Let me tell you, there is nothing more annoying and unsexy than a man wanting to get off when you're not in the mood. It won't turn her on, and it won't yield better results in the bedroom.
I suggest you have a chat and stop pushing for sex when she is not in the mood.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): If a woman is not sexually attracted to her husband she will be prone to the flirtations of other men,which depending on how strong she is, could lead to experimental sex with other men behind your back. I married a guy who worshipped me. He was the greatest, but I felt very little interest in him sexually. Still I married him because he was stable and kind and I cared for him. I thought sex wasn't that important. I was wrong. 3 years into the relationship I found myself lusting for other men. It was horrible. My husband was such a dear, but I just didn't feel sexually attracted to him, and he didn't really know how to satisfy me. This lead to multiple affairs and eventually a painful divorce. This could be a problem for you as well. Think about it long and hard. My advise, don't rush in to marriage. Just be together for a few years and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2011):
 It's up to her to be honest and you really do have to talk to her about it.
I left a man who was the only man who ever made me orgasm for a man who satisfies me but cannot make me orgasm.
I personally think that someone else being responsible for my body is wrong. that includes my orgasms.
I can make myself orgasm easily but I can't cuddle myself or kiss myself or hold me as I sleep..
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 You need to talk to her about this one, only she knows how she feels. As for sexually well there is always room for improvement. So talk to her and see if there is anything new she would like to try, always remember to have plenty of foreplay before intercourse so that she is enjoying it as well. Not a lot of woman reach orgasm through intercourse, mostly it can be through stimulation with your mouth or your fingers, so instead of letting her finish herself off, ask her to guide you through what she likes and join in on it.
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