A
male
age
41-50,
*elo
writes:I've been dealing with some insecurities about my wife's ex - the guy she dated in high school. She lost her virginity to him and by all accounts he was the love of her life until it ended. I also know that she didn't want to end it and was pretty obsessed with him for a while until she met me. Now we're married (have been for 7 years). I don't doubt that she loves me and would never leave or cheat. But I know how girls are about "the first love". Especially teen love. It doesn't help that she has become obsessed with "teen romances" like Twilight. She reads them over and over again and I can't help feeling like she's transporting herself back to that heady time when she reads them. This past relationship didn't bother me until recently so I have a feeling that those books may have had a hand in my sudden insecurity. She made the mistake of telling me once that Twilight is like "that crazy teen love". that sent me over the edge. I got upset when she said that and she back-peddled pretty fast, but it stuck with me. I've confronted her about it many times and she always says I'm being silly and of course she's not thinking about him and that relationship when she reads the books, but I'm not convinced. I ended up doing some snooping on her laptop and found a recent email to this old flame in which she says she had a horrible dream about him and wanted to know if he was "ok". Another search confirmed that she even went to the trouble of asking around for his email address since she hasn't had contact with him for several years. Snooping was wrong, but she shouldn't have had anything to hide either. Am I right? I confronted her about that too and she was very apologetic and said she was wrong to send the email and didn't tell me because she knew (rightly) that I would freak out. She said the dream had bothered her and she felt like it was some kind of 6th sense thing and had to find out if he was ok. (Turns out he's going through some stuff or whatever - proving her intuition is on the money or something.) He's married now anyway and seems uninterested, ironically. But if she's dreaming about him and even actively reconnecting... shouldn't I be concerned? We have since talked it out and I know that these things are mostly being blown way out of proportion in my head, but I'd just like to know from the ladies...How much do you think about your high school sweetheart? Do you hold a special place in your heart for the your first love. How does it compare to your current partner? Should I be worried?
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male
reader, velo +, writes (27 January 2011):
velo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I feel a bit better now. :)
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 PHYSICALLY I feel far more for my husband than I ever did for my 'first love'. You are sharing far more with your partner than with a 'first love'. Your whole life!!!!!!!! It's what you promised each other. You are dealing with the issue - don't feel this way about her old flame. They parted for a reason. She's with you for a reason. I think you reply showed that you have the smarts and the devotion to move on from this unfortunate glitch. Best of everything. x x x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I don't think you have anything to worry about at all. She sent one e-mail one time and likes to read teenage love-novels. It's really not much to get scared by at all. So she had a great time in high school and has a loving memory. Let her have that. It doesn't mean much for her relationship with you now other than she probably learned about relationships and grew as a person from the experience. Other than that... hwy should it matter?
Personally I never had a high school sweetheart, even though I dated some boys in high school and had sex for the first time during high school. But I think the entire idea of a "high school sweetheart" as something special is constructed by the media to sell more silly books like Twilight. In reality, people in high school meet up and enter relationships, or flings, just like everyone else in the world who are ready for a relationship.
Not everyone had a so-called high school sweetheart, and for those who say they do their relationships were probably worlds apart and beyond comparison, just like any relationship between any grown up couple can not easily be compared.
As for her dreaming about him once... well it doesn't mean she's obsessed with him or wants him in any way. Don't drag it into meaning more than it does. It was a dream. Not a love confession. She dreams every night, if you want to worry then you need to worry about ALL things she dreams about. Of course he will be there in her dreams as everything else in her life can easily be used in dreams. I bet you she dreams about you heaps more than she dreams about him now. If you are worried about the dreams then I suggest you read up on and learn about dreams and dream interpretation, to understand them, before you hastily assume they mean something they don't.
Try not to alienate your wife. She's your partner, not your enemy. You're fighting on the same team here, so try and show a bit more faith in her.
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A
male
reader, velo +, writes (25 January 2011):
velo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great replies. It does help put things in perspective a little. The email did strike me as worrisome and I told her I regarded it as a betrayal of trust. She acknowledged that and agreed that I had cause to be upset. There's not much point pursuing that line of questioning any further. She's explained it and apologized. I will just have to keep an eye on it for now and try not to let it get to me. I will definitely tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to do that again. I agree with you about the teenage intensity, hormones, etc and I know it has no place in the real world. She even explained it to me in pretty much the same exact terms as some of you have just done. And it makes perfect sense......Although that just makes me feel worse because it means that she is now in effect PHYSICALLY incapable of feeling as intensely for me. Stupid and childish I know, but I can't help it. haha!I will definitely take your advice on board. Maybe we just need to try to get back to that place ourselves and try to feel like we felt before life took over. Thank you all!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (25 January 2011):
You should be worried that she is being deceptive. Not telling you "because you would freak out" is being deceptive and lying.
I think you are right - she probably IS a bit influenced by the teeny-bopper novels, it does show where her head is at and you do tend to get a bit involved with a book when you are reading it. You didn't say what she does for a living. Is she raising children or stuck in a dead-end job? Is there a lull in your marriage right now? Is she depressed or in crisis? If she is at loose ends - she might just be looking to fill a void in her life. In this respect - marriage counseling could help you both to see what the problem might be.
The escapist novels are one thing - but contacting an ex for WHATEVER reason is pretty foolhardy stuff when you are in a marriage. I personally know of 3 marriages that broke up with people contacting ex's over the internet; and I am only saying this to you because I do take this seriously. As fondly as I remember my "first love" (not my lover); I never felt the urge to contact him and he did turn out to be a loser. I have had on fellow who proposed to me on our 3rd date try to friend me; and out of respect for my husband (and the fact that this guy creeped me right out) - I did not friend him.
You need to let her know that you consider this an emotional betrayal and that you do not accept her explanations for her playing with fire and attempting to bond with an old flame. Tell her that you expect her to never do this again for any reason - especially a "dream" or any other kind of ESP connection or any OTHER type of emotional connection. She shouldn't be concerning herself with his problems; letting herself worry about what is in HIS life - that's a sure-fire way of getting emotionally wrapped up with an ex again. She should be worrying about her OWN husband - that's where her concerns should lie.
Once you do communicate these things with your wife - make sure that YOU are on the same page as your wife and listen to her. Start making her your #1 priority. You should always feel like she is your girlfriend. Start rekindling that flame together - maybe make lunch dates or a date night and KEEP IT on a REGULAR basis. Lots of dates and sharing activities together keep the lines of communication open.
And as far as snooping goes - my husband and I both know each others passwords and we don't bar each other from e-mails or facebook pages - we have no secrets from each other - which is normal for most married couples. At this point - she should be willing to make amends by being honest, open and forthcoming with you in order for you to gain back your trust with her. She should shouldn't get defensive if you ask - she was the one who broached the trust in your marriage - she needs to be willing to fix it. HAVING SAID THAT - you need to own up to your own behavior and not lord this over her forever. Once you are assured that she has given up the idea of contacting him for good and she is making an effort to please you - then be willing to let this go.
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A
female
reader, nanie20  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I think your first love will always have a special place in your heart. This doesn't mean we are inlove with them you should trust her. Now how do you know that when she reads this story she isn't thinking of your love and your relationship. I think you should let go of her highschool relationship as it seems she has already. Now stop snooping around and obsessing with that because you are only going to push her away and make her hide things she doesn't want to from you. Be cool about it if there is no doubt in your mind that she loves you try to be chill about it...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Ok well for me, I do not think about my first love (I have in the past looked on Facebook to see what he looks like now, but mainly out of pure interest), I dont have feelings for him, and the relationship was awful compared to my current relationship with my boyfriend.
Just the background info (if this helps) - my 'first love' was when I was aged 15 and he was 17, he was my first in everything and the relationship was very intense. There were some major highs, and major lows - very much like all teen romances. At the time you could say I was 'obsessed' with him, he was my entire world and he could do no wrong in my eyes. And of course, at the time he was 'the love of my life'.
BUT what you learn from subsequent relationships is that teen relationships are simply ridiculous - they are so intense and self-absorbed that they have no standing in the real world. You literally think your world is going to end if you dont get a text message back from your boyfriend, and god forbid you would ever break up because at the time you think you would actually die without that other person. But as an adult you know this is so silly, of course life goes on regardless of who is present in your life, and of course a break up would not kill you. But as a teenager, all your feelings are so closely tied to your hormones that you lose touch on reality, and when it is your first love you have nothing to base these feelings on or compare them to so they are just new and overwhelming.
I cannot stress enough how irrelevant teen relationships are - you look back on them and it is like looking back at a different person! Thinking about how I was aged 15, I can safely say I am nothing like that person now!
As much as there were good times with my first love, and he was the guy I lost my virginity to - I dont hold a flame for him now simply because he was my 'first'. The relationship was a nightmare at times and it was best for both of us to move on, even though at the time I did not want to and was heartbroken eventually I came to see this. I dont regret losing my virginity to him, it was a good, special experience and I dont think I could have had a better experience. But it doesnt make him special to me now - he is just an ex and it didnt work out.
I'm sure that when your wife reads these books, she is just transported into that mad world of intense love - it doesnt mean that her first love was the mad intense love she is trying to get back, it is just a romantic novel that is a fantasy world. Just like some women read Pride and Prejudice and fantasise about Mr Darcy - it is all the same! As women we are well aware that these novels are just fantasy and they dont apply to real life - of course these sorts of romances would be lovely but they simply dont exist in real life and we know that, we just read them for a bit of escapism and a bit of fun. So I am certain that she is not thinking of her ex when she reads them, she will just be wrapped up in the fantasy world of the novel.
As for contacting her ex - this would concern me a little bit and you do have some grounds to be worried here. The dreams cannot be helped, you dont have control over your subconscious and there is no active part she is playing in having these dreams. But as for emailing him, and tracking down his email address - that is worrying behaviour and shows that she is still actively thinking about him and wants to be in touch with him. She clearly cares about him, and that is fine because you will naturally care about someone you have spent many years with. There is one ex of mine in particular who I went through a lot with and I still care about him very much, not in a romantic sense but as a friend.
However if they have never been friends before and suddenly she wants to get in touch - that is odd. Regardless of her 'intuition' she should not be trying to re-forge relationships (whether this is as friends or romantically) when both parties are married and have not spoken for years.
So to conclude, overall I dont think you have much to worry about apart from the contacting the ex. I dont think teen love is that important, and the books mean nothing - but tracking her ex down and contacting him is the worrying part. I guess you just have to talk to her and explain that it simply is not acceptable to be chasing him down when they have not had any contact for years. Either they are friends and talk every now and then, or they are not in each other's lives. Anything in the middle is just odd and she needs to understand this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, velo +, writes (25 January 2011):
velo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Annalisa. I realize this is more about me than it is about her.Lately, I've been battling low self-esteem (job/career stuff to blame) and I guess I'm projecting a bit.Funny thing is that when I went snooping I actually knew I would be disappointed if I DIDN'T find something. Not that I was thrilled when I did find the email, but it kinda proved that I wasn't going completely mad!
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