A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here goes all on a plate for the last time so I would be greatfull of honest and good advice not told how we done wrong and what we done wrong.So here it is I was seeing someone I was working with, we were so like best friends that much I would love to just have that back but its to far gone for that now. We were seeing each other to start with. it was just on staff nights out but it started to get more personal as time went on and we started seeing each other outwith this. Thing is we both had partners but we were drawen to each other time and time again we tried to stop it but it just kept going. She has been with her BF for 6 years and I was with my partner for 14 years and have a child with her(dont need a lecture on this as I do know what harm I have caused) After a while of this carrying on I finished with my GF because I coulnt take the guilt anymore and realized that I had just seen love for what it really is (Dont know now if love is a good thing or bad thing) took me 29 years to find it and only to lose it I think. Anyway after about two years of just fooling around in the last two month we were seeing each other so much more and growing much more attached I couldn't take anymore of it and asked her to leave her BF which she agreed as she said she loved me and was falling for me in a bad way. The very next day her BF found out what was going on with us (still wonder as to why after all this time he found out now. Deliberate?) Anyway this sent everything in to madness as she now said she was confused and never knew what to do anymore was she making a mistake with me was it worth the risk? anyway after a few weeks I continued to put pressure on her as i wanted peace on mind I couldn't take it anymore (I have a problem with reading to much into things people say) I told her what it was doing to me and that I was going mad not sleeping constantly in moods with all my staff at work wasn't good so she told me to back off it wasn't going to work with us not sure if this was because she felt bad as to how i was feeling?So on the rebound I went off with my ex (I know) but I did all the same after a week or so I realized it was the wrong thing to do and called it off with her (B**tard I know) she was hurt and called her to tell her what had went on with us over the last week (deserved) but she was soooo angry and called our boss and told him all about it and claimed I was sleeping with my ex behind her back?? (meanwhile we were doing it behind her BF back for real) This caused so much trouble for me at work at home with my child my finacial situation ike you would not believe I was really hurt by this and she said it was over she was going try and fix things with her ex.This made me very angry and I couldn't take it she said it was ended so why cause me so much trouble? Well I couldn't just walk away from this I felt crushed and couldn't understand why she had done this to me so I wrote her BF a letter telling him the whole story over the last two years felt this was fair? (not on him) This hurt her so much and I only felt bad about it afterwards but I had to do it. She got moved position so we never worked together anymore and she sorted it out with her BF and now we dont see each other anymore but after all the hurt and pain we caused each other and other people you would think we would hate each other? But NO after just a few weeks she started texting me again like the way it all started saying she misses me and cant not talk to me and I feel exactly the same way(why dont we hate each other?) we dont even talk about the hurt we caused each other just how much we miss each other.Her BF would end it if he knew we were talking she knows this. I never went back to my ex I have learned a lesson on hurting people I care for. I think she is scared to take a chance on me now because of what I done but god knows I love this girl so much but I'm not sure if she loves me? A friend said I should just tell her that I love her and hat I want her then leave it at that if she really wants me she will come to me. I am scared she thinks I am giving up though and i'm not I love her so much.So there is the story best I can tell it complicated I know but I would be greatfull if you dont look at the problems as i am a firm believer that love conkers all question is, is it love how can two people after all this even talk to each other? this cant be nothing this is what we keep thinking?Laides do i jsut no undertatnd how women work?Guys am I just being nieve and getting taken for a ride?Like a say 29 never felt like this in my life I want it am I just wanting something thats not there?I wish she could write her side of it on here too. . .Please dont give advice if you really dont know as I am going to take what I get off this site and use it better or worse I have to heal my heart. please tell me is this in vain or do we have something we need and want of am I a fool?Thanks for taking the time to read this its allot to take in.
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at work, best friend, crush, her ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Ok I am not going to try to reiterate any points already made... except this is not what love should look like... But it is what the fallout from an affair looks like... this is why affairs are wrong... not to deprive someone of the "love of their life" or to trap someone in a prison sentence or to keep people from happiness. THIS is why the Bible condemns adultery (and I am calling long term relationships as marriage/committment).Honestly, I sympathize with all parties involved truly I do even though I have been devastated by a cheating spouse. What you are going through is not unique or special and you are not alone... this is the truth about affairs... they hurt people. You, your gf and the betrayed spouses are responding exactly like expected. Look at marriagebuilders.com You may not want to save your marriage and that's fine but it has a lot of information about how affairs start, how they end, and how to heal. This site does a very good job at relating to all parties involved... including the affair partners and what they are going through. I am praying for you and hope you are able to find peace.
A
male
reader, MauiKahuna +, writes (1 September 2009):
If this is the life you want have at it. I'm stressed out just reading this. I think you can do WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): I am not going to lecture you, but this relationship was based on sneaking around and cheating behind your partners backs. You broke the "deal" and ended it with your partner and called her bluff and asked her to end her relationship.
She never wanted that, this has been going on for two years. She is a shallow, attention seeking, power hungry, uses sex to control men, trashy, classless woman....and you love her.
No you don't you just feel like you have been betrayed and humiliated and you have and you want what you think you can't have. Somehow this woman is of higher status and value to you than the woman who bore your child and has stood by you for years.
You are a young man, I am not saying that you haven't outgrown your other relationship, maybe you are two different people and you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again and maybe this happened to get you out of your emotional dead zone, I don't know. But you made your bed as they say so now you lie with it. These are the consequences. You pick yourself up and you move on with your life.
This woman you had an affair with is clearly unstable and doesn't know who she really is. I would swing a mile wide path and stay away from her permanently. You'll be allright, trust me, better off without this silly Wuthering Heights drama in your life. Go figure out who you are and what kind of relationship you really want.
Any person or persons who begin an affair while in a relationship are two weak, half persons with a hole in their soul who need to figure out now to heal on their own, but want to be distracted in fantasy, la la land and not be confronted with their own issues that they need to be focusing on. Start focusing on you and what you need to do to get your life back on track. Screw this woman, she screwed you, she has nothing to her and she doesn't love you back, she doesn't know what love is.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (1 September 2009):
 All love is not good love, and sometimes what we think is love is really addiction to a thrill. If neither of you understands how to have a good, respectful, loving relationship, it is going to careen into walls all the time. An honest relationship means you value the other person and don't want them to be hurt. I don't see that in your letter, from either you or her. If she was sincerely in love with you her BF would be gone. Period. She chose him over you. When two people are in love with each other they move heaven and earth to be together.
Don't fall for the reminiscing about the good times. That is just a way to lure you back in so she can have her cake and eat it too. You have learned a hard lesson about what workplace affairs do. Instead of jumping back into this painful situation, I strongly suggest that you consider the effects it had on your life. Your longtime relationship is over, you're single, and your child no longer has a stable two parent home. You went through financial problems and lost the respect of your staff. All over a woman who will not commit to you.
I believe that you should cut your losses, move on, and focus on rebuilding your life and career. Don't settle for a relationship that you can't be proud of.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, MissesConfused +, writes (1 September 2009):
Considering my age, you might not read this, but here goes:This woman has put you through a lot of emotional stress as well finacial and all that, yet when she's given you every reason to be upset with her you're not. If that's not love, I don't know what is. However, I don't think this is the healthiest relationship in the world to keep coming back to. Just because this is your first taste of love, that doesn't automatically mean it's going to be your last. But you're clearly insane for this girl. Normally, I'd say if she's really what you're heart wants, chase you're heart's desire and don't give up. This time. . . It just seems like she's hurt you so much, and I don't want to see you get hurt. In fact, it sounds like she's stringing you along; I apologize if I sound judgemental. You seem like too nice a guy to let your heart be shattered. Though, I pray you'll do what's best for you.As advice goes. . . Tell this girl how you feel, but you should also know what's at stake--you're relationship--if she chooses not to break up with her boyfriend. If she fails to do so for you, then she's really not worth your effort, and you might have to let her go. Hard as it might be, and as much time as you might spend trying to get over her, time heals all wounds. Just love and learn.
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