A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and I love him very much..But I am not in love with him, and I never was, since the beginning...but we just click on every level except physical attraction and passion, so the relationship grew..I am just not that attracted to him, to put it nicely, and I don't know what to do..I've thought about breaking up, but I would like to try to do something before, we just get along so well...Is there any way I can start to feel more attracted to him, and more passionate? I just don't want to give up without a fight, especially since we get along so beautifully, but this is really getting to me,I need some passion in my relationship, but don't know how to get it... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I don't know that I've got any answer for you, but I have a slightly similar relationship. When we met I found her interesting and wanted to get to know her (as a friend or lover, i wasn't sure), and we started sleeping together even though there wasn't a lot of physical attraction for me (i hadn't had much sexual experience and wasn't going to miss any opportunity). she was somewhat overweight and it seems for me, unless a woman is in shape and fit, sex isn't that good.
we stayed together as she is more intelligent and engaging than anyone i've met since. but of course we weren't having sex much, and she decided that i had betrayed her about it (which i think i did - i should have been able to say that we should be only friends). we often go on long walks and sometimes running together as she wants to lose weight and be fit, but it seems that she never connected that with my attraction for her, and i wanted to avoid being the complaining-boyfriend figure. but as you say " I need some passion in my relationship".
i feel now that even if you're attracted to someone in every other way, unless their body really excites you the relationship will be bad. everyone wants to be desired and if they suspect you're holding back, they'll resent you for it.
you should say what about him you are 'putting nicely' that is unattractive, as perhaps it will change. i've read stories of women who develop a passion for someone they at first weren't interested in, so it's possible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I've seen couples that respected each other, had common likes, never raised their voice to each other, etc. But this definition is good for siblings. Between lovers there is also intimacy. One thing is that you prefer French kisses when he usually gives you gentle pecks on the lips, and another is that his kisses are indifferent to you, or unattractive. Because you know each other inside out and spend a pretty long while together, it doesn't mean you are also good lovers. I agree that you more likely have a close friendship than anything at all. You should each find a suitable lover. All the best!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 I agree with Eyes. This relationship of yours sounds more like a deep human connection and perhaps some sexual attraction, but not that "click" we feel when we really-really want someone.
I was thinking of suggesting things to do, but I believe that dressing sexy or acting kinky wouldn't really work, you know? All those things would perhaps be enjoyable and bring you closer to him, but you need to lust after him for this to make sense. If you can't feel sexually attracted to him, then it would be no good.
Perhaps it would even be bad for him. Sometimes one of the partners is in your situation but the other isn't. In that case, if the partner who doesn't feel lust starts doing sexual things, with the magnetic power they have, the other party becomes even more attached, and the break up is harder. Not only do you love the person, but you are also sexually hooked.
As Eyes said, this is the time to talk. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 You could always light a match and start the fire...
Buy some sexy clothes etc etc, and let him see you as a sex kitten... hopefully he will be so turned on that you will see him in fabulous glory and find the attraction you so badly want... and hopefully the passion with it.
all the best
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Sounds like more of a close friendship than a romantic relationship. Especially since you have never felt passionate towards him from the get go. Hopefully after the break up you can be able to keep the friendship but he may feel differently. Time to talk.
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