A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Given that I can't agree(sometimes even argue) with most asexuals, I wanted to ask some questions. It doesn't seem that asexuals differ much from hetero/bi/homosexuals. Some of them do remain virgins, but others are sexually active and may even have had several partners in the past. Also im hearing most "asexuals" seem to enjoy sexual acts. If they don't need/want sex, why would they enjoy it? It seems to me that asexuals are mostly excuses and most of us are hard pressed to take asexuals seriously. Then those asexuals get mad and defensive and insist they are "different" but live a lifestyle similar to a hetero/bi/homosexual. If there is really no sexual attraction, they should not need/want or enjoy sexual acts, including even masturbation.If sexual drive without sexual attraction is enough to make asexuals want/need and enjoy sexual acts, including masturbation then asexuality is only half the equation. Then this would mean sexual attraction is the other half of the equation. So a person that has *either* sexual attraction OR a sexual drive would be "less sexual, semisexual, hyposexual, etc" but still far from devoid of sexuality which asexuality seems to imply. Nonsexuality should be used for those experiencing no sexual attraction NOR having a drive/libido. That would be the true "asexual" as such people are completely devoid of all sexuality, they never want/need nor enjoy anything sexual, including masturbation. We need to seperate the asexuals(no attraction, just drive) from the nonsexuals(no attraction, no drive)1. So an asexual differs from sexual only due to lack of sexual attraction? If so, would an asexual want to be sexual with me or another person due to their drive, arousal or feeling of "love" or many other reasons(only the procreation reason makes sense to me)2. If there is no such thing as percent asexual, what do you consider people who only rarely feel sexual attraction and are happy to have intercourse once a month? hyposexual? Low libido/drive?3. Can anyone comment on autosexual? Isn't this a person who finds themselves sexually attractive? If a person masturbates, does this indicate sexual attraction or just a high libido?4. How does a male asexual get an erection, wouldn't there need to be some sort of attraction? Ive never gotten erections from sexually explict pictures and themes.5. If asexual is considered a sexual orientation, could I say I am nonsexual and have no sexual orientation? I feel the asexual lable doesn't fully describe me since I am different from most asexuals(no drive, no masturbate, will be a virgin forever)6. Is it true even sexual people are NOT sexually attracted to every single adult in the world? Would, then an asexual pairing up with a sexual person who does NOT experience sexual attraction to that particular asexual work?7. Who decided that love comes from genitals? I always thought love was emotional, not physical, we call that lust. Would a person not accept love in other ways?8. Could a heterosexual person be sexual with their own gender if they don't experience sexual attraction to their own gender?9. If some asexuals get sexual with people and still want to call themselves asexual, homosexuals would want to do the same to pass off as straight and avoid discrimination?
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male
reader, QuietThinker +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I'd consider myself asexual. I'm a 52-year-old male virgin, and I've never been interested in having sex with anyone, including when I lived with a girlfriend and shared a bed with her (although I did like cuddling). I do masturbate, but that's purely fantasizing for me; it doesn't translate into a desire to actually do anything I might fantasize about. I was never abused or anything like that; I did have low testosterone, but medicine to increase that to normal levels just made me masturbate more often, but still with no desire to be sexually involved with anyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): I'm asexual. I have never experienced sexual attraction to any other human being, male or female. I have never had crushes. I have no interest in sex or any desire to have sexual contact with others of any kind. It is a matter of supreme indifference. Intellectually I understand sex, but it inspires no physical feelings in me.
It is not that love comes from genitals. The way I could describe it to you is this: we all form connections to other people, right? Some are emotional - to our friends and our family. Some are intellectual - to people we admire, like our teachers or role models. Some are physical - sexual desires towards others, of same or opposite gender. And some are romantic - the feelings of wanting to be with somebody else forever, the first love feeling, where people dream about the people they love and spend every minute at their side.
Romantic and physical connections are formed together in heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual relationships. But the physical connection is absent in asexuals. An asexual relationship might be a very passionate love, just with no sexual contact. They might cuddle, kiss, but not masturbate or have any kind of sex as they feel no interest in it; or derive no pleasure from it.
Asexuality is different from antisexuality, which is finding sex repulsive. I don't find it disgusting; it is interesting, but only in an academic sense. I don't feel my stomach heaving when people talk about their relationships or sexual mishaps.
Most asexuals do NOT have asperger's or autism. These are chromosomal disorders, not related to sexual orientation. Autism and asperger's have particular unusual behaviours, such as a lack of emotional affect, obsessive compulsiveness in having things in a particular order, dislike of touch, and unresponsiveness (mothers often report their autistic babies did not respond when called to). An autistic child might spend hours doing the same thing over and over, like rolling a ball or watching a videotape.
I've never been abused. I'm not particularly religious. I've never been injured in a way that would impair sexual function, and I have no hormone disorders because my body developed through puberty normally.
Having read some of Logicdebates previous posts, he calls himself antisexual but here he says he is asexual. Does that mean he has no sexual feelings and he finds it disgusting - and by extension everyone else should exempt from it?
(You have advocated celibacy for everyone you have responded to, Logicdebates, before you debate that - forgetting that sex is normal and natural, and the "bad parts" of sex like infidelity usually happen from sexual incompatability where a sexual partner's needs aren't being met due to an imbalance of libidos in a relationship. I do not advocate celibacy for anyone, only that the underage wait to be old enough to consent and to be in a loving relationship. I'm fully aware that my condition is an exception, and nobody with a sex drive could really exist in celibacy because of it.)
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A
male
reader, logicdebates +, writes (22 June 2008):
duskyrowe, I was never abused and I am not impotent. I was born nonsexual, no sexual orientation.
LazyGuy, I know no one is 100%, but the thing is alot of celibate people, closet homosexuals and low libido people are calling themselves "asexual" I talked to a lady who says she experiences 20% sexual attraction.
Someone who is at least 90% of anysexual can call themselves that appropriate lable. I am 95% nonsexual so I lable myself as such. A man who is 90% heterosexual may have a few incidental sexual experiences with other men, however overwhelmingly prefers women and is way more attracted to women.
Ive talked to really horny men who claim they *are* sexually attracted to every woman with a pulse and breathes. Those men are literally 100% sexual in terms of both strength and percentage of women they are sexually attracted to.
Most asexuals/nonsexuals have some degree of Asperger's. They are now calling it "neurodiverse" instead of a disorder. Is it true our kind goes against rigid herd mentality and thinks outside the box?
"Relationships often require compromise and sacrifice."
Correct, but why does it always have to be the asexual who has to give in to the sexual's whims? Can't an asexual for a change not be forced into sex? I would rather ditch a relationship than be forced into anything sexual which is repulsive and pernicious.
"unless he got lucky and "happened" to have a boner when the girl came along."
One time I had "morning wood" that wouldn't go away so I googled "bikini models" and in a few seconds, I became flaccid. To maintain an erection would require attraction to that woman or women.
"maybe 5% of them are attractive to me"
Then there is a 95% chance a such person could be in a relationship with me without requesting sexual stuff due to lack of sexual attraction.
"Besides, for most sexual people, sexual attraction is an important component in a relationship and it's unlikely that a sexual person would stay in a relationship with someone they weren't attracted to"
So it's about "looks" although I hear most women don't care how a man looks like, as long as it's not repulsive.
"If a person is having sex purely to please their partner, they can still possibly be asexual."
This concept can be understood if the asexual has significent drive. Are drive and attraction related? But for me, the concept is foreign since theres thousands of other safer ways to "please" your partner.
Can you send me a private message, you seem knowlegable, we should discuss this debate more :)
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Surely if anybody is asexual, they cannot bear any sexual contact. For many reasons, eg they have been sexually abused, they are impotent etc. I don't know I am no expert on this matter. Maybe there is someone out there to enlighten me about why people are asexual.
I remember watching a documentary about the late Kenneth Williams (Carry On movies) having homosexual tendencies, but found the act of any form of sex as disgusting, because people passing bodily fluids to each other was revolting and messy. Hence him dying as a virgin.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 I am getting the impression that you like to put labels on everything. That something either is or isn't, no greys, just black and whites in your world.
This is not how humans work. NOBODY is either 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. What we are also varies from day to day as our mood changes, as our situation changes.
Read "The Kinsey Reports", although an older work by now it set new standards for just reporting what was observed rather then trying to fit the data into narrow accepted definitions.
For instance, a lot of people reported homo-sexual experiences in their youth while growing up to be straight. Does that make them hetero or bi-sexual? Meaningless labels, it makes them who they are. You can't say that if 10% of someone's sexual past is homosexual and 90% heterosexual that they will therefor keep including that 10% OR for that matter that 90%.
"6. Is it true even sexual people are NOT sexually attracted to every single adult in the world? Would, then an asexual pairing up with a sexual person who does NOT experience sexual attraction to that particular asexual work?"
Are you serious? Do you really think for one second that any person is going to be attract to EVERY OTHER PERSON in the world?
I don't think you are a-sexual. I get the impression you suffer from some form of autism which makes it hard for you to relate to other people as human beings. This is far more common then you might think, the typical "nerd" in IT who just doesn't get women often suffers from mild autism as well.
Trust me on this, I have it (It is very light but at a fundemental level I use my brains to deal with other humans, not my emotions, if I see someone is in pain I KNOW it is wrong, but don't often feel it although it is not an absolute limit. I get obvious pain but if someone says they are fine, I used to take their worth for it, not getting that they really meant "I am not fine help me"). You try to find the logic, the algorithm that makes people tick so you can finally understand why humans are the way they are. If only you can solve the puzzle then it would all make sense.
Sorry, but it just don't work like that. If you are not careful you are going to end up the eternal observer.
Stop trying to fit everyone in little compartments, everyone is free to life their life as they want it and they don't have to justify their decision or even stick to it because you want them to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): I'm not an expert on asexuality (I am a sexual person myself) but based on some research I'll try to help (not sure what good I'll be!)
1. From what I understand, an asexual person in a relationship with a sexual person might have "one-sided" sex with their partner in order to keep their partner satisfied. The asexual person my feel no sexual arousal or desire, but may want to make their partner happy. Relationships often require compromise and sacrifice.
2. I suppose someone with a sex drive who only wants sex infrequently is a sexual person with a low drive. They are not asexual, however, if they feel sexual attraction to other people.
3. Masturbation feels nice, it doesn't necessarily mean that the person is attracted to themselves, just that they prefer to take care of their sexual needs on their own. I don't know too much about this.
4. I am a female and I honestly have no idea how a male asexual would prep himself for sex unless he got lucky and "happened" to have a boner when the girl came along. Since I dont have a penis I can not comment on its functions, but I suspect that any penis will grow erect with enough fondling whether the person is sexually aroused or not. I can't really say.
5. Sure, you can definitely say you are nonsexual. If your urge is literally at zero and you have no inclinations towards any sexual pleasure, then there is no harm in saying that you're nonsexual. People should use the terms that most closely describe them.
6. I am a sexual person and I am most definitely not attracted to every adult person (maybe 5% of them are attractive to me). But I don't think a highly sexual person would enjoy a relationship with a completely nonsexual (as in, no sex, ever) person, even if they weren't attracted to them. As a sexual person, he/she would have needs that are to be satisfied. He/she would inevitably end up having sex with someone who is more sexual. Besides, for most sexual people, sexual attraction is an important component in a relationship and it's unlikely that a sexual person would stay in a relationship with someone they weren't attracted to *though it does happen sometimes, it's rarely a happy situation!* In short; no, I can't see that working.
7. Many people accept love in other ways. For some people sex is important, for others it is not so important. Personally I agree with you, that love and lust and very seperate things. The important thing is to find someone *if you want to be in a romantic relaitonship at all* that is compatible with you and your desires. Perhaps try some online Asexual "dating" agencies, and search for entirely nonsexual people.
8. A heterosexual person who is unattracted to members of their own gender could still, technically, BEHAVE sexually with members of their own gender. Girls often make out with one another (for attention from guys, for instance) without feeling any genuine sexual attraction to the girls they are kissing. There is a distinction to be made between "acts" and "feelings".
9. I take it that you take issue with sexual-behaving asexuals, but once again, the main point is that a "truly" asexual person CAN have sex and BEHAVE sexually without ever FEELING the sexual desires. Just as you can eat without being hungry, you can have sex without being horny. Perhaps asexuals who behave sexually are trying to please their sexual partners, and aren't really deriving sexual pleasure from it. The key is the feeling behind it and their intentions. If a person is having sex out of sexual attraction to another person, they are not asexual. If a person is having sex purely to please their partner, they can still possibly be asexual.
A homosexual person can BEHAVE straight (have sex with women) but they aren't really "feeling" it, so they are still gay. If they aren't sexually attracted to the women, then they are not straight. They are just having straight sex. It's a fine distinction, but the intention is everything. And behaving straight might save them from discrimination, so if that is what they want to do then more power to em.
I'm not sure if any of this was helpful, just my take on it.I hope you get your confusion sorted out one day, hun!
Good luck
xo
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