A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have learned to accept that my girlfriend of three years is a little bit emotionally distant by nature. In three years I have never seen her cry, she's just not one who gets sad or has her feelings hurt or needs an abundance of affection, etc. She just likes to be happy and that we should "just know" how we feel about each other and about the strength of the relationship without having to talk about things.The problem is that I do need a little more emotional closeness sometimes. I like to feel like I have a best friend in my lover who will always have my back and we can take on anything together. I also like to tell her how much she means to me and talk about our future. Not overboard, but just now and then I like to hear that I'm important to her. I rarely get that, however, and sometimes it makes me question how I feel about the relationship. Everything else is (mostly) great about our relationship and the only fights we have seem to come from my "neediness" from an emotional standpoint. I don't think I'm needy, I just like the feeling of closeness occasionally but because it has caused some fights I have just accepted that's the way she is and I don't ask or demand anything from her.But behind the scenes, in my own mind, it still bothers me. I'm just not sure if it's something that is my problem (as in I should quit worrying about it because everything else is good) or if it's her problem (i.e., she knows I need a certain level of closeness so she should be willing to give it to me even if it doesn't come natural). For example, I like to tell her (not all the time, I'm talking just randomly here) that I'm glad she's in my life, that I love her, that I think she's beautiful, etc. However, she never says similarly "feel good" things to me unless it's in response to me saying it. Sometimes I almost crave just a little hint that she adores me like I do her. Also, related to the feeling of closeness, is the feeling that sometimes I'm just not all that important to her. Like, if I mention that we should take a trip - whether it's a weekend trip to a neighboring state or a "passport trip" to another country - her response is usually something like "let's do it" and then she moves on and it seems like she has no interest in it. On the other hand, if she suggests a trip, I am all into discussing it and planning it with her and talking about it. Further, if her friends are suggesting a group trip she seems excited and will sit and talk about that with them (such as during a social outing).With all of that being said, there are other "signs" that she cares about me and us. She will mention "we" or "us" when talking about things in the future, she is usually happy to see me or talk to me and calls me "baby" or "honey" or things like that in front of other people. If we do make plans, even though she doesn't seem that excited when talking to me about them, she tells all of her friends about what we have planned and where we are going, etc. So should I get over the feeling that her lack of emotional closeness is an indicator that she's not just crazy about me like I am her and consider moving on? I know some people say if you don't get what you want and need you have to move on but the truth is that I get a lot of what I want and need, it's just this issue is important to me.Or should I just not expect it and not read into it and just enjoy the things I do get from the relationship?Is it unreasonable to ask her to be more "loving" now and then or is that unfairly trying to change someone?I truly would appreciate others' thoughts who might have a less emotional perspective than I do or who have been in a similar situation (from either side).
View related questions:
best friend, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time, WiseOwlE, to write a solid response. Your thoughts, experiences, and suggestions have helped me feel better about how I deal with the type of personality she is. And thanks to RevMick for the helpful insight also.
Atsweet1: Very interesting response and viewpoints.
Thanks to all of you for the responses, I will hopefully provide a good update after a bit of time.
A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Hi,
Some people are naturally affectionate where others are less so. I would go with WiseOwl and try showing her you need some attention by giving her a little more attention (not too cringeworthy) but just enough to show that you expect the same.
I would possibly try writing a little note, not war and piece just of nice things you like, then have her do the same and then take turns reading one of you a line, then the other person. (Like relationship Top Trumps)
I would hold off on taking a leap and marrying this person, until you are sure you can be with her if she didn't give you more affection.
I myself have been from one extreme to another in this regard when I was younger. My first girlfriend was Uber-affectionate (but that was because I was her first boyfriend). Then my previous relationship, my partner didn't want to know anything about anything until it was "sexy time" and then WWIII broke loose.
Every relationship is different, just as every person is different.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Some people women and men are not really emotional and in there feelings. I am that type regardless of who Im with Im just me Im not rubbing no backs all that talking sweet its not me. Even if I do its not me but I am doing it because You asked or I want to help you. Im not go be sweating nobody I express my love and.caring. Thats why I dont want a serious relationship at all with users freeloaders emos vampires or werewolves. I prefer in house affection no public displays of affection either. I was married and affectionate with my ex and.my children. So I dont intend on.changing.or.getting married.cause then Im.not being true to myself changing for you. If my friendship is not enough love for you. Why keep calling why you keep coming to get in my bed late nights why eat my food I cook. Sounds like a person I also dated they was mean and moody not very affectionate at all. Cuss you out in a heart beat barely like cuddling of sleeping together. I was told they didnt like me plus they wasnt attracted to me plus they was not trying.to help me what a mess. I didnt want anything serious with them either. Next met a guy he is needy mommas boy and Im a mommas girl so we have conflict he looking for sweet mom that takes care of.him cook food rub his hair scalp cuddle but Im not his mammy. He know darn enough well nobody got time.for that. Then he comes with the.guilt trip to me well take care yourself I.wont contact you. Only know.him a month not 2 ? I dont.grow.attached that quick with emotions.but in friends Im open to that. Even sex.partners cause people doing that and he 50 and Im 30 ish so Im.not trying to play house. I got my.ex talking. about child.support cause the children with his sister he in jail back and.forth. I.dont want him staying with me but only my children and Im willing to go all out with that and about that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): Like you I am openly expressive about my affection for people.
I offer hugs and kisses, my relationships always include a lot of physical contact; that includes all my friends and family.
My partner was more affectionate when our relationship was new; but grew less affectionate over time. I don't like public displays of affection. I prefer it private and intimate.
Some behaviors come with age. However; he was always doing these unexpected wonderful things out of the clear-blue. Surprise parties for me; plotted with our friends in secret. Jumping out of a closet or from behind a door and grabbing me. I'd find a beautifully wrapped gift in the middle of our dining-room table after work. Or out of the blue, he would make some crummy sentimental speech that melted my heart. Because I know being like that was tough for him. Then he'd go back into his rough and tough, no nonsense, cold persona.
You know what? Those small things are what I miss so much about him now that he has passed away. Those small gestures sent a huge message. If you knew the type-A, over-achiever that he was. Only his parents got the first-class, over-the-top displays of affection; but I got my share in sporadic unexpected doses that knocked my socks off.
If you looked back at your girlfriend's childhood, past relationships, and teenage experiences through high school; you may see why her feelings are so "contained." She suffered a trauma, that made her more withdrawn.
Most people like that are afraid that it would just hurt them all too much to offer their affection all wide-open, and have it dashed to the ground. Mocked or made fun of. That has happened to her at some moment or period in her life. She never got over it. Possibly all she ever got when she was expressive of her feelings, was disappointment in return. Perhaps something more painful.
If you argue about it; it is because she is hiding something very painful. Containing her emotions has been a way to protect herself. However; it is unhealthy for a relationship. I don't understand why people want to have relationships, yet expect other people to put up with it. It just doesn't compute. It's irrational!
I would probably respond very much like you; if my partner didn't open up. He'd get so full he had no choice but to let it out. I used to call it spontaneous-combustion. I told him he held it in so long; he exploded with goodness. At least it was funny to me.
He would probably burst. With him it was feast or famine. When it rained, it poured. I did have to get used to that; but I also taught him how to put his feelings in words. If I said I love you, he'd say..."me to!" I'd say, what?!!! Long pause... "I love you too!" Was that so difficult? He said it feels sappy. I'd laugh it off.
Never be confrontational about affection. It's supposed to come of free will and spontaneously. So some people are like you and me, gushing with it. Some people are like a drippy faucet. It never flows freely. They compensate in other ways; yet somehow we just know.
I don't want to mislead you. Nor anyone reading this, to feel they have to put up with living with Mr. Spock; or one of his female counter-parts. If you crave affection and don't get it, you will cheat on your partner.
Yes, it could get that bad. The first thing that happens is some person comes along, crosses your path, and they will fill that need. So you work on who you have, or you give them up. It's self-fulfilling prophecy for these people that relationships end sadly. They refuse to change. They think you should take it or leave it. They are not surprised, if the majority will leave it. That's what makes it so stupid. So they fault the majority, but not themselves.
If you are contemplating asking her to marry you; I wouldn't go there. Unlike my partner, I may have had to nudge him; but we never had a fight about it.
He was just playing Mr. Tough-guy. There is a hidden-issue you need to get to the bottom of, before asking her to be your wife. Being a spouse goes a lot farther than just living together. You share intimacy and affection for the rest of your life together.
My friend, you won't make it. You just won't, and I think that's why you wrote this post. You want to take it farther; but her "contained" and Vulcan-like control; just makes it hard to see it "with a ring on it."
If you can't discuss it now, it will be worse trying as a husband. I wouldn't go there. Stop calling yourself needy!!! You are deprived of the most important elements in a loving-relationship. Verbal and physical demonstration of her feelings toward you. You need that reinforcement. You grew up in a warm and affectionate environment, as did I. So was my partner; but his dad demanded toughness in his sons. My partner was hiding a secret about himself.
So he over-compensated, by being tougher. Less emotional, and taking no nonsense. Being direct, precise, cerebral, and getting his point across. That's why he picked being an attorney as his profession. It came purely natural! But needed someone like me. To allow him to tap into the loving side of himself.
I did write a letter once. It didn't complain, it just thanked him for all the wonderful things he does to make me feel safe and appreciated. I asked if it was at all possible; to try a little harder to show me, if I was doing what he needed and giving my share. We never talked about that letter. I think he read it; because I often would catch him looking at me out of the peripheral of my eye.
He would ask me if I wanted anything, or say something funny to make me laugh.
We had a little pug. He used to be a ventriloquist through our dog, to tell me tell me things. Sweet things. He didn't say it directly to me. I took it for what it was worth.
I got the message. It's hard to be direct with affection; but easier to show love in his own way. So I gave him 28 years of my love and affection; because I made up for what he couldn't do. He never refused it; and made it his business to please me. Even spoil me.
So step up your affection toward her, regardless. Don't smother her; just teach her what you want, see if she can return the favor. Maybe some gentle coaching and nudging is all it takes. A hug, just a kiss on her cheek. A loving look into her eyes. That softens and melts the soul.
If it isn't enough? Think long, hard, and seriously deep before proposing to her. It can't always be on her terms.
...............................
|
