A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have this friend she always asks for help with a lot of things. I feel her mentality is along the lines of "there's no harm in asking?". My nature is that I feel uncomfortable being asked for things too often and I have a need to support my friends. She leaves me sometimes feel used and taken advantage of. She doesn't realise how much work is involved and blurs the lines of friendship and business. She also does kind things sometimes too to balance it out, but often I feel I'm doing the heavy lifting (literally in some cases). I want to be a gentleman and sometimes it feels like she weaponises her vulnerability. My question is, am I simply lacking boundaries or do we also have to be mindful of not asking for too much (i.e. reading the room). I feel in Arab culture (I'm arab) there is an invisible rule that tells you that you should feel ashamed to ask for too much ('The Ayb'). Does this exist in northern cultures? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2021): By saying yes all the time you are buying her so called friendship - doing favours for her is the only reason she wants you. Stop the favours and she loses interest in you. This is the real reason why you hesitate to say no, because you know that you would be taking away the one thing that she sees in you. I know what this is like, I've met people who have tried to treat me this way, where they only come to me when they want something and if I said no they would never return. The truth is that those people are not friends, they are users, and you are kidding yourself they are more. This has nothing to do with race, religion or country of birth but human decency.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2021): Sounds as if this person does not see you as a friend but an easy touch who lacks confidence and self esteem and is an easy target. I wonder how often they contact you unless it is for you to do them a favour? That is not friendship. All the time you are silly enough to call them a friend they get away with using you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2021): Sometimes people expect far too much of others and are selfish. Sometimes people take advantage of those who are single or lonely or eager to please. I've also noticed that whenever I've been single people expected me to jump when they snapped their fingers, as if I was supposed to have no life but be eager to give them someone to ear bash when their family were too busy or race around doing errands for them. Very often things they could have done for themselves or got one of their family - the ones they always put first - to do for them.Recently I was chatting online to a friend who lives with her husband. She is a very family orientated person who ignores her friends when family are available and never helps friends herself. Both of them are retired, both of them spend a lot of time watching television and reading. They have two children and lots of grandkids. There have been times when I've desperately needed help - not things I CAN do myself or get others to do, and she would not be interested because she would be arranging to see family all of the time etc. Recently she said to me she needs my help. She had been prescribed medication by the doctor and she wanted someone to research it thoroughly as to what it does and it's side effects. This can take hours. I often turn away well paid work because of lack of time. I work full time with many commitments and family to take care of. She expected me to do this when she could have done it herself, her husband could have and both of her adult kids - who she dotes on and spoils and sees a lot could have. I said no. Sorry I am too busy. End of.Learn how to do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): Everything in life hinges on the boundaries we set; and openly expressing our personal-preferences. You must clearly establish a clear understanding with friends, neighbors, and relatives of what your likes and dislikes are.
BTW, when it comes-down to your ethnic-traditions and your cultural-attributes, don't confuse "tradition" with your personal-quirks. Your particular idiosyncrasies or pet-peeves don't speak for all Arabs. We shouldn't self-promote stereotypes; then turnaround and be offended when they blow-back in our faces!
Communication and interacting with others is universal. If you need to convey something to somebody such as not wanting to always be the first to be called when they need something is usually quickly resolved when you "say something." "No!"...or..."Sorry, I can't do that;" which comes in all languages. Mindreading and telepathy are not modes of communication; so we are left to using our words. People have to be told; otherwise, they will continue to say and do things that annoy or offend us.
She feels you're helpful and reliable; while you feel she's helpless, and a user. I think there needs to be a discussion about the frequency of her requiring so many favors; and some boundaries should be set. Like limiting things to "emergencies only!" It should be even easier to educate mere "acquaintances;" because they aren't automatically given the privilege of expecting a lot; at no cost, or for no equal exchange.
Here's the thing. People create all sorts of negative-thoughts and unsavory opinions about other people; but find it hard to just come right-out and be honest. Until they get pissed-off! You don't have to be rude or nasty about it. Just explain that you feel sometimes she asks for too many favors. It's an inconvenience. Yes, she might be embarrassed or shocked to hear it; but it's better than forming nasty opinions about her, or gossiping it to a third-party, not even involved in the matter...as most people are inclined to do.
You don't have to be at her beck and call for superfluous favors and chores you don't receive any offer of payment or compensation for. You're doing the favor, so you get to set your terms. You can also just say "no!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2021): This has got nothing to do with northern culture.I have never noticed in the many years I worked with Arab clients,Arab suppliers and Arab colleagues that they showed any particular compunction in asking for help or favours or whatever they needed at the time.If any ,I'd say that often they were quite more persistent and outspoken than average in going about getting from people what they wanted.It could be that ,in their countries , in their cities , in their social circles, "ayb" (shame ) is a concern because it leads to kalam al nas (what people will say )...but obviously one is worried about being judged harshly by one ' s own peers- not by foreigners ,strangers and anyway people not sharing the same culture and rules...Anyway -what you lament is an individual thing due to that woman's own personality and mindset. She may very well be in total good faith,because there actually are people who feel there is nothing wrong in asking,since the other can just say "no",so what's the big deal.Or she may be taking advantage and be counting on the fact that you are too shy/accomodating/weak to say "no".Either way, set your boundaries and protect them.Decide what is it that you will feel comfortable doing for her , and that you can do freely,with pleasure and without expecting anything back -and stop right at that.No less and no more. Do not think what she should do to fix her behaviour or habits in ref.to this situation; just fix yours.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 June 2021):
 I agree with YCBS
It's not about culture, it's about ONE person. I know people who wouldn't ask for help even if they know there were 10 people who would jump at it. And I know people you ask for help over the dumbest stuff. It makes them feel good to know that when they say jump there are people jumping.
Being a gentleman doesn't mean you have to be a doormat to anyone. If she asks and you don't WANT to help, say no I can't. You ARE lacking boundaries. If you are not used to having someone asking CONSTANTLY, it can be hard at first to set up boundaries. Eventually, you will have to or you will feel used.
I had a neighbor who would ask me to babysit (for free) ALL the time. So she could nap. I had 3 kids myself and a husband who was working 60+ a week. She had family 20 minutes away and a husband working reduced hours due to an injury - so he was gone maybe 3 hours a day. I said yes at first because at first, it was one day a week for a couple of hours, but when it ended up being daily and for 8-10 hours (and this was over maybe 3-4 weeks it went from 0-100) I had to say no. Her kid was sweet but watching her meant that I couldn't do the usual routine with my own kids. She was offended at first but quickly tried the other neighbors.
Some people are like this. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. Or she will walk all over you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 June 2021):
 Your question has nothing to do with "northern cultures" but everything to do with this one individual. I am sure, even in Arab culture, you will find individuals who will ignore the cultural norms and use others for their own gain.
You already know this "friend" has few qualms about asking you for help on an on-going basis. The problem is, you have ALLOWED her to do this to you, so now she probably assumes you are OK with it.
Time to grow a backbone and learn to say "NO" to your "friend". You don't need to fall out with her over this - unless your friendship is based purely on her use for you, of course. Next time she asks for help, simply respond with something like "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time because I am busy/I have other commitments".
Sadly there will always be people who will abuse other people's good nature and generosity. It is up to the latter to define their own boundaries and do only that with which they are comfortable. If you ALLOW some people to take advantage of you, they will continue to do it. Learn to say NO.
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