A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started dating my boyfriend when I was 19. At the time, still a virgin, and not wanting to deal again with losing a man or constantly fighting over having sex... I agreed to a stupid arrangement. He was able to have sex with other women, so long as I dont know them, dont know about it, and there is no relationship between them (he did argue that there are people who have sex out there just to have sex- no emotions). I couldnt stand the thought of it, secretly cried about it, thought about it, tortured myself with it. About 1 1/2 yrs passed, as I fell in love with him and trusted in his love more, we finally had sex. Even before then, we broke the arrangement. He told me of a couple of girls (probably kept others hidden) but I didnt care except that from that moment forward, they would be out of the picture. Problem is, he did get attached to one of them (thinks she's a great friend to have-likes their conversations, her personality, etc). I've asked him to stop all contact with her, he's promised, and I've found out that he hasnt. Over and over again, when I come close to leaving, he promises to give us a clean chance- but eventually that promise fades away. I've been dealing with this for years. We are going on 5 years together now. He's done it all- changed his number, email address, cried, promised, and promised more. But eventually he convinces himself that keeping her as a friend is ok, that i'm exaggerating, or that its my fault anyway- he keeps talking to her and doesnt tell me about it until I find out again. Knowing that he cant let her go hurts me in so many ways. I know she doesnt want to see us together- and cant imagine she will ever be a good thing for our relationship. I dont know what to think of a man who cant let go of something that brings me so much painful thoughts and memories. If it were the other way around, I know hanging out with the guy I had sex with wouldnt fly by him. I dont know what to do. I do believe he loves me... but I think keeping her around is disrespectful and dishonest. And honesty and respect are things I look for in a man. I've thought of breaking up, seeing other men. I've told myself over and over that I dont need to deal with this. But I love him and it hurts me so much to think of being apart. What can I do? This is someone I've been with for so long and I feel like what we have is special, but I also feel like the respect (because of this one problem) doesnt go both ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks.
By Female friends do you mean ones he's been intimate with? Because I dont have a problem with him having female friends- just this one in particular (and ex's) I am uncomfortable with. If he can have us both in the same room, introduce us, be honest about the past and present, make clear our places in his life, and not feel uncomfortable- I'd probably be more flexible with this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): he just wants to be able to have his cake and eat it. im sure he loves you but hes been allowed to be with other women and he now he cant give that up, he feels hes entitled to it.so i guess you either fight it or accept it. if you fight it, you tell him its not acceptable and youll leave him if he doesnt stop contact, or you could have your own male friend and give him a taste of his own medicine. but rememvber if u give ultimatums it may not work out the way you want and you have to stick to what you say or else hell never believe you hvae the strength to carry out threats and he can basically do whatever he wants as there are never consequencesotherwise you accept this is the situation, he has this female friend and may have more in the futureits a balance- is a life with him knowing he has other women, better than a life without him??i would suggest you tell him you need some space to work out what you want and go away for a couple of weeks or cut off contact for a couple of weeks. give yourself some breathing space and give him some time to panic that u might leave him, hopefully he will assess his prioirities and put you first. but because this open relationship has been going on for so long, it will be hard to changeGood luckremember you deserve more, there are millions of women who dont have to deal with their loved ones having women on the side, so why should you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): I have been in a relationship for many years with a man who will not cut off his female friends. We are now married and still he won't cease talking to one woman in particular. I have tried all the lines of 'if you loved me you wouldn't do this, its disrespectful, what does she give you that I don't etc etc' and none of them ever work. I am now deemed as controlling. I cannot explain how much this hurts me and how much I truly hate his closeness with this other woman so I know what you are going through. As a coping strategy only my only advice is to distance yourself somewhat and try to not let on how much it gets to you. Some men get an ego boost out of this kind of thing although they will pretend differently. You cannot force anyone into doing something against their wishes so I suggest you slightly distance yourself from the situation. I now go along the lines of if she wants you she can have you I don't give a toss which although childish is extremely therapeutic. I try to force my hand so if he goes to her then I know that i was right all along that there was more to it then he would let on and the worry would then be removed. I have also found that the more you ask them to stop doing something the more that they will continue. There is no easy answer -I would never do this to anyone but I am getting to the stage of forcing his hand so he will make the move then I can leave and feel justified in doing so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. In terms of intimacy, we are intimate with each other now and have been for years.
I dont believe he's looking for that in her.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Sex is more meaningful then he allows himself to believe. From the first time he suggested it, it was inevitable that he would become attached to one of them and that isn't fair to you, it's not fair to talk about them to you, the woman who he knows doesn't like this kind of thing. You should have had to keep your feelings about this a secret.
If he refuses to stop seeing her for you, I suggest you leave him. The time spent with him is a lesson. It builds you and you are can walk away stronger than ever. It's unfortunate that you can no longer trust him because that means this relationship is doomed to failure. Without trust, there can be no love. Your whole description reveals a small lack of intimacy between you two perhaps, but that is just the impression I got.
I hope that helps.
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