A
male
age
41-50,
*ustwantherback
writes:So I posted a question a few days ago about how to get back my girlfriend after I stupdly and self destructively kissed another girl in a bar last weekend.She took off for home two days ago to spend time with her family and get away from all of this and to "mourn me". She had trust issues from the beginning (her past, not things that I did although I have exacerbated them from time to time through truely harmelss things) and I destroyed any trust she had in me in this one idioticand self destructive action with a drunken one second kiss.SHe wrote me a long letter yesterday basically stating that she is dying and mourning and is trying to cope with the fact that she is going to have to start over since Saturday she had a future husband and Sunday she was single. That she still does think I am amazing, unique, etc., etc. and wants me to get the help that I need, but she will never be able to trust me again and she needs to move on for herself.I have been suffering from depression and insecurity due to my job, financial situation, and some supposedly deep seeded issues and she tried to help me through it, but the kiss ended up being the last straw. Is there anything I can do to change her mind? She thinks I will always rely on alcohol and women as ways to cope as I have done in the past and she will never trust me again not to, but I will not be this person anymore.Since Monday, I have started therapy to try and get over my codependance and depression, started looking for new jobs that are more fulfilling to me, scheduled a GMAT test so I can go to grad school next year, have started relying on friends and family instead of drugs and alcohol which I have always done in the past, and am meeting with financial advisors and lawyers to get my finances in order. Is there anything else that I can do to show her that I never want to use self destruction as a means to cope with my insecurities and depression again?I am going to be a better person no matter what after this ordeal, but I would rather be a better person with her. She is everything that I have ever wanted in a wife, lover, friend, and mother of my children and it is destoying me that I have hurt her the way that I have.Does anyone have any other ideas?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): I have been on your girlfriend's side of a similar experience (including the history and some depression issues). My husband for two years kissed another girl he knew, while drinking alone with her in a bar. I have since been very upset, and we are constantly discussing the context and details of it, including his long-time drinking problem, and his constant exposure to this type of situations. One of my "conditions" to stay with him and try to work things out was for him to completely stop drinking. My understanding is that your brief encounter happened in an intoxicated state. I want to believe that alcohol can cloud one's mind to the point of leaving him unable to control any urges or actions, making an "event" like yours irrelevant -- if you take the context away. If you want to give this relationship any future chance, I think you should stop drinking now, altogether -- cold turkey. And let her know about it, and prove to her that you can do it. This may help or not, and a potential healing process will still take time, and may never lead to regain complete trust and forgiveness. But in my case, the promise to cease drinking was the one crucial puzzle piece in starting a recovery process.One last thing: this analogy crossed my mind, maybe it will help more than the rest of my inarticulate rant. I thought of our marriage being like a China doll sitting in an awkward position on the mantle piece. It just fell and broke a leg. We can glue the leg back on, but the doll will never be new again, although there would be no visible difference. But a possible good twist to it is that, after gluing the leg, you put the doll back in a safer position, to avoid other accidents. So that maybe, if this upset hadn't happened, later the doll might have fell and smashed into a thousand pieces and ended up in the trash.Maybe this is only your wake-up call, and not the complete end of everything...Good luck, man. I hope you can work your things out.A.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Time, patience, and understanding from her is what you need.
Time, you can't control. And all of this is not going to happen over night. You've had a lot of stuff building up in your life for a long time, so expect this to take just as long if not longer to change. Also, you don't want things to just simply go back to the way they were. You both need to change so a new relationship will be just that - new.
Patience, well that's up to you. You can't make time go by any faster but you also can't rush her and really push her. You'd just scare her away.
Understanding from her? You can't force her to understand, but you can help a little. There's only so much you can "tell" her. The rest you have to show. My advice is to do what she did and start out with a letter. Not a pushy one, just one admitting you screwed up big time. Lay out everything you are doing now to make yourself better. Finally, let her know it took losing her to understand that she is the best thing in your life and you owe it to her to show her how much you're changing and when all is said and done, you'd like to do that. Don't beg for her back. Don't be overbearing and annoying. Again, you can't force her. What you did was incredibly hurtful, and in all honesty you don't deserve to get her back. Make sure you understand that. If by some chance she finds it in her heart to give you another shot, make sure you spend the rest of your life doing whatever you can to earn her trust back. And whatever you do, don't ever take her for granted.
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A
male
reader, justwantherback +, writes (10 June 2010):
justwantherback is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the typo and convolutedness of my post. I've been a bit of a mess lately.
I have been fighting with depression for years and truly hurting myself along the way, but seeing the agony that I put her through has really made me hit rock bottom.
I know I need space for myself to grow, but her mom, who she is very close to, said that once she gets over me and the hurt dissapates without me, she will be done forever. That said, everyone else I speak with says to just work on myself and contact her in a few weeks to show I truly am trying to change.
I want nothing more to console her and help her and do everything I can for her, but she is in Boston and is still so angry at me. I am truly lost with this one.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (10 June 2010):
 geez typo hell there, that would be "PROVE a negative"
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (10 June 2010):
First I applaud you efforts to get yourself straightened out.
Second, You're trying to "rove a negative" Which is virtually impossible. In trying to prove a negative, in your case: you're trying to demonstrate that you will not engage in future self destructive behavior or be untrustworthy. You'll run yourself in circles.
Rather if your relationship is irretrievably broken and shattered by your negative behavior, your only recourse is to "prove a positive" like you're doing now. You're taking active steps to improve and in so continuing you shall thereby *prove* that your negatives have been reversed. I hope that's not too convoluted, but it is true. You can't prove a negative. You can only prove a positive. So keep at it, work hard and fight the good fight. Perhaps with some evidence of your improvements and convictions to continue them, this will serve as collateral against your g/f's mistrust of you and she'll recognize this in you as another reason she loves you. Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, LottieCole  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Dear justwantherback,everything you are doing at the moment is all needed to get your life back on track. Well done for that, unfortunately it is only after all of these things are established and working that you should even consider trying to prove to her that you have changed. She also needs help dealing with her trust issues, an until they are solved you will always struggle to prove to her that she can trust you. Even if you never put a step out of line again. Time is a healer, be there for her, still remain her friend and hopefully keep the doors for romance open and in time look at getting back together.Wishing you luck for the futureLottie x
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