A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and bumped into one of my old friends whom I hadn't seen for a while. We used to get on really well and she introduced me to some of the people she'd come with, including this guy. I said hi to him and everyone else and didn't think too much of it beyond that.Last week, I was on the bus home when all of a sudden this guy sits down next to me (he hadn't just gotten on, he was sitting behind me and had moved up) and was like "Hi, do you remember me?" I was like "no, are you from X sports club?" (I couldn't place the face at first but he looked familiar) and he was like "No, I'm so hurt, we met at the ball" and went on for ages. I thought he seemed a bit weird and clingy but I had to keep talking to him for about 15 minutes till my bus stop. He kept insulting me - stuff like "You're studying hard for your exam tomorrow? You're such a geek!" It was stupid.At one point he said "At least people from that sports club (the one I'd thought he was from) are attractive," and I was sarcastically like "Yeah, maybe I find you really attractive, then," but I don't think he picked up on the sarcasm.We both got off at the same stop (after he'd asked me to "wait, get off at the next one" despite the fact it was further away for both of us). He then asked for my number and I gave it to him very grudgingly. If I hadn't, I seriously thought he was going to try to walk me home but I couldn't just ask him to **** off as he's a close friend of my close friend (they're on the same committee and from the same country) and we were in quite a deserted area. He asked if I was going to be in the library the next day. I was by now thoroughly pissed off so said that I had an exam (I did) and went home.Anyway, he texted me when I was at home like "how do you know the person who ran the party?" and I gave him a short reply, not wanting to seem rude, and then he replied saying "Saw you playing that drinking game" followed up with a text 5 seconds later "I'm better! " As I was up late revising I totally ignored him.I was walking to the library the next day when I got a missed call from an unknown number, as it called me twice and seemed weird I ignored it. I hadn't added him to my contacts but didn't think it was him. He then texted me on a DIFFERENT number to the one he'd originally texted me on, saying "Spotted walking to campus! Good luck with your exam!" I didn't reply and honestly have no idea how the hell he spotted me as I looked around and he was nowhere to be seen. I then got a call (again from the DIFFERENT number, which I didn't reply to) and a text saying "Call me after your exam!". I then got yet ANOTHER text later saying "Finished your exam? xxx" which I ignored, followed by one the day after saying "Hey, are you in the main library?" (He doesn't even study there as we have a separate one for sciences which he does). He then texted me at about half past midnight saying "Not talking to me? :( x"I haven't had any texts from him since yesterday, but it's seriously starting to piss me off. How do I get him to get lost without getting my friend involved, should he text me again or I see him again? Me and my friend used to be close (we were in most of the same modules in first year) then we got into different things and friend groups at uni, so I don't want her to think I've gotten mean. At the same time this guy's coming across as a total weirdo. He's an international student and from somewhere in South Asia (without sounding racist) so I'd have thought it was due to a different culture, but he went to school in the UK too (spent all the time on the bus trying to impress me with his life story ) so you'd have thought he'd understand what's normal here.
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female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (21 May 2013):
I agree that being more assertive in that initial situation is always best. I had years of similar situations until i learned to spot these idiots straight away and make it clear that im not intrested. You said you had to keep talking to him until your stop? OP you should have given him the cold shoulder when he insulted you.
To reply to your follow up, no your not responsible for his behaviour, but you should be in charge of dealing with it. Most rape victims knew their attacker, so being civil to a weirdo because he is a friend of a friend is not good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Really OP? The only solutions you can find to any of these situations are to give in or "deck him"?
It's simple.
*stand up* "Excuse me this is my stop, it's been lovely talking to you, have a lovely evening."
"Wait get off at the next one."
"Hahaha no, and nice try but this is my stop, excuse me"
"Can I have your number?"
"No sorry I don't give out my number to guys I've only just met, see you around."
*sends 20 texts from 20 different phones asking all sorts of questions*
"Hey listen, I gave you my number because I thought it impolite not to, but I'm sorry I'm not interested in you or in making a new friend. Please delete my number. Apologies it was my mistake. Have a nice day."
Nothing hard about any of that OP. Problem solved. Tiny bit of assertiveness goes a long way when you're a woman. Works well for guys too but we don't get cornered by overbearing women the way women do with guys.
OP I viewed with women like that as easy prey because they are, because a woman who finds it difficult to say no can be convinced to do anything you want in tiny little steps. You even let him convince you to get off at a different more secluded spot, he could have done anything he wanted to you in that moment because you wouldn't assert yourself.
And yes OP, if a guy physically impedes you, gets far too forceful or too close, you are allowed to push him out of your way or scream for the bus driver to help you. No bother.
Blame him all you want, you're not some victim of anything but not being more assertive.
At a lot of points in this whole situation, a simple up front "no, not interested thanks" would have solved this and guess what, it still will. How long you let this go on for is your choice.
I'm not judging you OP, not trying to make you out to be an idiot. It's your life, your choice how you interact with people, but do not complain or moan about a situation that you can fix with one simple sentence and could have from the very start. Try learn that skill OP, it will serve you well. Ask any of the women on this site and they'll tell you life is so much easier when you can be assertive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): I would just reply and say, "Yeah done with my exam, went well. Now Im off to meet my boyfriend (if you told him you were single, say instead,) off to meet the guy Im dating for dinner. Have a good evening."
He'll take the hint. And saying that is not rude. If he doesnt take a hint, everytime you reply, mention you are with this guy you are dating. "Oh hey whats up. Just here studying with "James," we're going to the movies afterwards. Have a good one."
That always scares guys away, without you coming off as rude.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 May 2013):
 As women, we have this bad habit of not wanting to hurt people's feelings. And as cerberus said, he's even managed to get laid because of this many times. This is a prime case of that happening now. This guy clearly likes you. You're not interested. For some reason, its ingrained in our brains that we can't just tell them flat out we aren't interested because we are scared of hurting their feelings or coming across as rude. So we give hints we aren't interested in hopes they will take the bait and get the point without us having to be a "bitch." But the thing is, speaking the truth isn't being a bitch. You can tell him you're not interested in a polite way. Because most men don't understand or choose to ignore the subtlety women display. he is seeing that you gave him your number so he must have a chance. Of course, as a woman, if I had called and texted and received no reply, I'd have definitely gotten the hint. But that's because I'm a woman and I know to look for these things because that's how we show our disinterest. Make sense? Men don't tend to operate that way. They are straight forward creatures. So they are looking for the same. If you aren't straight forward with them, they may still think they have a chance.
If he continues to call or text, send him a text back and be straight forward with him. Let him know you're not interested. He will probably appreciate the honesty. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 OP, I lived many years in your country and I don't think it's a culture clash. Americans too can be very forward, insistent and unable to take a hint. Men of all cultures don't do too well with hints, or choose not to.
The guy was tryng his luck . He was courting you, in a clumsy way . He is interested , he saw you a little cold but not totally glacial ( you gave him your number , you got off the bus and walk with him ) and think that if he insists he has a chance.
Annoying , but not un-American :).
Set him straight. You can be clear without being insulting, or involve third parties.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): "Wishy washy and flaky"? What was I supposed to do, push him off the seat next to me or cause a scene on the bus?
As I said quite clearly I was in a deserted area and we were the only two who got off the bus at that stop, I just wanted to get rid of him.
Why are you blaming me for someone else's lack of social skills? No, he is probably not the only weirdo I'm ever going to meet; but all I did to "lead him on" was to not deck him after we got off the bus, so I fail to see how that equates to being responsible. If our genders were reversed I would have exactly the same attitude.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (20 May 2013):
 It's got nothing to do with his culture. He just can't take a hint, and this is something that can happen in any part of the world. It's tricky because you have a friend in common, but frankly this has nothing to do with her, and you don't have to put up with annoying behaviour because you're worried about how you'll come across to your friend. Keep ignoring the messages and hopefully he will stop. If you see him around then be civil but try not to give him any encouragement. People will say that you shouldn't have given him your number, and that's all well and good, but it's very difficult and very awkward when someone puts you on the spot like that. However, you do have a right not to give out your phone number to people. If you are not very assertive, it's very difficult the first few times, but it does get easier. Practise at home, alone first: "I'm sorry but I prefer not to give my number out". It may be perceived as rude, but actually it's honest and it will save you a lot of hassle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): What are you on about? that's perfectly normal where you're from too when a girl is so wishy washy and flaky and gives you her number when she's not interested.
He's pursuing you OP and you're leading him on by not telling him to do one.
yeah, he's being overbearing, lacks tact and his sarcasm needs work, but you're the one here letting him do all this and hoping he magically stops. Why would he when you seem interested?
Your excuse for giving him your number was bullshit, why give it if you don't like him?
Why not tell the guy you're simply not interested in him and it was nice meeting him?
You even suggest getting your friend involved because you impolitely ignoring him is not deterring him enough?
You need to grow a pair OP and be up front with him. I've dated Asian women and they're very forward, if they like you they'll pursue you and generally won't stop unless you're nice enough to be honest with them.
OP even Americans and British expect that kind of courtesy, lots of men don't get hints, and when you give them your number then that's not exactly an "I'm not interested" sign is it?
You're too much of a pushover OP, you're not even being polite you're just hoping he'll go away and frankly he's not pissing you off either, your inability to get rid of his attention is.
Well shit OP, you're in for a long hard life until you grow a pair enough not to wilt so easily. This is not the first guy who will be so full on, this is not the first romantic situation where being able to say a firm "no" is the only way to resolve it.
Op forgive me for being harsh, but you're not some kind of victim here, certainly not of him anyway. He's just a guy who obviously has no clue what works with women, but then again there are so many women out there like you who don't have the balls to be honest with a guy and tell him you're not interested that he knows no other way.
OP the number of dates, times I've slept with and even gone months dating women simply because I was so determined and they couldn't say no to me for whatever internal reason is a bit ridiculous.
I don't get what you think is normal OP, I've gotten women on the bus, in the mall, in queues for the shop etc. I don't take anything but "no" for an answer when it comes to women. You may call me forward but I've been very successful and I'm not the one who wakes up in the morning in a strangers bed wondering why I didn't stop myself haha.
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