A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've heard this over and over again... That the reason I can't find a girlfriend is because I'm looking for one, and that as soon as I stop looking, I'll suddenly end up in a relationship. "Happens when you least expect it," "I found my partner when I stopped looking" etc. etc. But this statement makes absolutely no sense to me. I've been trying everything to find a girlfriend.... Online dating, volunteering, taking classes, trying to get out to singles' events, and I STILL haven't met someone. (Only women who are interested in being friends... Great lot of good that does me.) If I were to STOP doing those things, how in the world would I ever meet anyone?? If I ever got over this need for a relationship, I'd probably never do any of those things... I have a rather inclusive group of friends I am happy with, and my hobbies are rather independent (aka, not group activities.) How in the world would I meet someone hanging out with the same group of people and doing the same non-social things I always do? Answer: I wouldn't, and that's why the statement "Oh just stop trying and you'll find someone" makes no sense to me. Can someone explain how exactly it's supposed to work? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 July 2012):
Ive always been puzzled by these types of posts bc Ive found that finding a gf is one easiest things to do, esp after age 30 or so. What is much more challeging is finding a good gf who doesnt want to get married two weeks after the first date.
My advice to you is be cool and confident. Act like to you dont care if you have a gf or not, and believe it. Women will come flocking by the droves. In your age bracket, there are a lot of woman who have been bitten by the "marriage bug" and feel like they are running out of time. You can get one of these ladies as a gf in a NY minute, but realize they will want to be married in two NY minutes. You will also find a lot of ladies who got married too young in life and only after the maturity and insight of another decade or so of life realized that marrying the lead guitarist in the bar band wasnt all that great of an idea, and they will also be available. That said, these ladies often come with the baggage of another mans children, so you need to be ok w that if you go that direction.
Best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): It's rubbish. Sorry, I don't buy it and most sensible people I know don't.
Yes, there is something to be said along the lines of some of the comments below, but for every person who has just 'stumbled' into a relationship by just going out and having very active social lives, there are two who have done that for years and never met anyone.
In every other walk of life, we are told to "go out there and get it". I see no reason why that shouldn't apply to a relationship. If you want a different job, you go out and look for it. No one says "it will come to you". Ditto anything else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): Women will tell you to "stop looking". Here's a man to tell you: Don't stop looking. BUT, you should follow their advice nonetheless and do the things in life that mean the most to you, independently of any relationship with a woman or whoever else. Like many women here have already said, they can smell desperation and clinginess a mile away, so you need to immunize yourself against that. Even if a woman isn't turned off by that clinginess, well...that's not really a woman you are going to have a healthy relationship with anyway, so it's all the better that you aren't finding a match at this point.Now, that said.... Men are creatures of pursuit, and sometimes I don't think women understand or appreciate that they wouldn't be meeting the man of their dreams if that man didn't at least at some level have an eye out to "look", or to pursue a woman and a relationship. In my case, I had to come to grips with the idea that I may never meet the woman of my dreams, which was not a pleasant thought. But, once I did accept that possibility, I learned to love and appreciate the things that make me a great person in general, that I am thoughtful, caring, sensitive, but also very much interested in my own livelihood and capable of being very independent. That made me a bit pickier when it came to relationships, but that was OK because it meant when I was dating I wasn't trying so hard to make every encounter work - I just was myself and kept searching for a woman who seemed to understand me and my humor. And you know what? It worked. I've been dating someone now for 3 months, and it is awesome. I didn't have to compromise myself in the process, she loves me for who I am and I love her for who she is.That's what you really want in a relationship. Don't stop looking....but don't make getting into a relationship the be-all and end-all of your life. Accept the possibility that it may take months, years, or decades to find someone. Resign yourself to that, and prepare yourself emotionally to go on with your life if that happens. Doing so will help you relax and in itself make you a more appealing date. And you'll be happier in the end for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): Maybe you smother them, or maybe you act too aloof. You have to show that you are interested in dating them without coming off as a possessive creepy guy. The key is to ask the girl out on a date straight away, don't question whether she is interested or not (you won't really know until you just ask her out). The longer you leave it to ask a girl out the more uninterested she will think you are. Don't hound her with texts, emails, phone calls either because that will make you look unattractive. But do call her to show your interest.
I'm aware looks are not the be all and end all of everything, But truth is if you want to get noticed to have to make the effort with your appearance. Maybe try a new look, hair style. Everybody is attractive to somebody, so don't start thinking that you are ugly or not attractive to women, Im sure you are once you make the most of what you've got.
You have to go after what you want. Obviously something is preventing you from meeting somebody. Only you can really think about what it is. Also look at your circle of friends, is it mostly women that you hang out with (that could turn a potential date off!). Do you hang out with mostly couples? Because they will not be interested in chatting/flirting with people. Something in you/your life has to change in order for this to happen and I'm sure in time it will happen for you.
Good luck.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): "It works because girls can see a desperate guy a mile away, his body language, his neediness, his demeanour are all dead give-aways and there's nothing attractive about a guy who's aim is to get a girlfriend. Too much weight of expectation, too serious too soon, it's just not fun"THAT. EXACTLY that is the reason why you cannot get a girfriend, because girls smell desperate a mile away, you should concentrate on fixing yourself first, and being HAPPY with your life and then either at work, or school or even during a bus ride you will meet her. I met a boyfriend when we both played a game online, and I met another one when I left my wallet on a bus and he returned it. Now, you think I was there looking? No!! Just learn to relax and love your life!! No one is forcing you to be in a relationship! But if you cannot go out and enjoy life for yourself, and stop being desperate do not expect a girl to come anytime soon.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 July 2012):
 It's not about being single or not, it's about caring or not caring. When someone really wants a girlfriend or boyfriend they subconsciously give off these kind of needy insecure signals that are very easy to pick up on. The single people who are comfortable in their own skins and with their singleness are the ones who get somewhere. You need to find a way to accept and be happy being single before you can really start looking for a relationship.
The important distinction being that those who aren't happy being single are looking to complete themselves or something, and a relationship can't do that. It needs to be an addition to your already happy independent life.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (8 July 2012):
 On a biological level, there are theories that when a person is desperate for a relationship they give off a sort of pheremone 'stink of lonliness'. Most people don't want to date the desperate. I advise you become more comfortable in your own skin and remember that relationships, though nice and enjoyable, are not the most important thing in the world.
I can say from experience that when I stop caring about relationships I found myself receiving more complimemts, asked on more dates and just accepted more in dating.
Now, for your personal problem the issue is that you're going out and being more social because you're looking for a relationship. Instead, why not go do things that you really enjoy? If you find someone there that's great! It's especially great because if you meet her doing something you enjoy you'll have something in common. If you don't meet a woman, that's find too because at least you were doing something you like to do.
Best of luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): It works because girls can see a desperate guy a mile away, his body language, his neediness, his demeanour are all dead give-aways and there's nothing attractive about a guy who's aim is to get a girlfriend. Too much weight of expectation, too serious too soon, it's just not fun.
You see guys like that are the same as girls like that, they have this air of "I'm incomplete and lonely, save me!!!" about them and no one except for the weirdo fixer types wants a person like that as a partner.
Stopping looking is basically telling you to get rid of the need, it's not saying you should give up and concede defeat, it's saying remove it completely from your priorities and start doing to things to enhance your happiness and fulfil your life without this idea that you need a girlfriend. It doesn't mean stop going out and stop being social, as you said that's not exactly going to do much but you have to get rid of this need and trying so hard. It's the easiest thing in the world to get women when you simply do not give a fuck whether you have one or not. There is something immensely attractive about a person who seems to be completely happy and satisfied with their life and doesn't need anyone because that makes people curious, they want some of that, they want to know why this person isn't staring longingly at them or other women, they want to know what he has, who he is that he can live his life with no need for anything at all, he's complete already and has an air of contentment about him that is appealing.
"If I ever got over this need for a relationship, I'd probably never do any of those things"
Yeah well it's time you did stop doing those things OP, they're not working are they? You're trying far too hard, this is far too important to you and you're far too serious about this to be a fun person to date. You may think you're casual, don't show it etc. but people can just sense a desperate needy person instantly.
You need to cut all this trying crap and just get rid of that need. Besides OP, women make up more than half of the worlds population, they're everywhere, you don't need to do all that singles crap, online dating or any of that. I've met women on the bus, got numbers while queuing at the grocery store and all this being bald, fat and short. Gorgeous women too but I've never been that picky as long as I'm attracted to them. What's my trick? There is none, I see a woman I like the look of so I talk to her, find out who she is, whether we have similar interests and then I decide whether she's good enough for me to ask for her number, not the other way around. I don't care what they want, I don't care what they like, the most important thing is whether I want to take them on a date or perhaps just have sex with them. I have never once in my life looked for a girlfriend, never once in my life felt I needed one either, I love being just as much I love being in a relationship. I don't try either, I just do this and you know what? I really don't care what the outcome is, it's no sweat off my sack if she's not interested she's only one of 3.6 billion women on this planet and only one of the hundreds I will see that day.
Stop needing a girlfriend and look for ways to have fun in your life, if you see a girl you like anywhere you are just talk to her, if in that short conversation you think you'd like a date with her suggest that. That's it, don't think any further ahead than that.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 July 2012):
 Honestly, I think what most people mean is that they gave up looking out of frustration and then met someone wonderful! But, I would prefer to think it means to just be yourself, have fun, have a passionate attitude about your life, and someone special will show up. However, this isn't always true. You can enjoy your life, be passionate about it, not be intentionally looking for a girlfriend, and still not find one. In any case, you are having a good life and enjoying yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 I think it just means that you need to be cool about being single, or else you'll come off as desperate and needy. Go out for fun, not to hook up. Go out and meet new people because it is interesting, not because you desperately want a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 July 2012):
 it's a paradox... but what it means is that you go out and accept that you are single.
you have to embrace it and learn to love your life as it is. This means you do all the things you want to do and that interest you and when you meet someone, you don't immediately think of dating her because that subtly will color what you say and do... without you even realizing it.
it's weird but in order to date you have to be prepared NOT to date. In order to meet someone you have to be HAPPY and content with your life the way it is....
You have to NOT want to be in a relationship....
I know you want it... I get that... and I know that NOT wanting it makes NO SENSE to you... but it's what you need to have happen...
you go out with your friends and your mates (including the girls you are friends with because, THEY may know someone who they introduce you to, not thinking of fixing you up but just casually meeting more folks.. and that's when it happens... not next week or even next month... the comfort you have to feel with your life alone can take a while to find... but once you find that you may just find the right person.
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