A
male
age
30-35,
*athguy
writes:About 18 months ago, I was in a vulnerable place, struggling to recover from some severe depression and anxiety issues which had landed me in the hospital for a bit. I was lonely, and desperately wanted to know what love really felt like; I wanted to know what it was like to hug and kiss and cuddle and read together with a girl I loved.I met a woman at an extracurricular class. We fell in love, and for the first few weeks we showed great affection for each other. The fact she was 11 years older and divorced did not bother me. After the first six weeks, though, her affection for me shut off like a light switch, although mine remained for her. She no longer wanted to kiss, except maybe for a goodbye peck. She would scream and curse me and call me childish, lazy, stupid, a moron, and retarded whenever I upset her by, for instance, asking a question she thought was stupid or forget to drain the sink after I washed her dishes. She would twist my nipples or mess with my testicles in uncomfortable ways or flick the head of my penis or forcibly put her boogers in my closed mouth and generally make me uncomfortable or cause pain, even when I would beg her to stop. When I complained that she did not show me affection the way I needed it, she said that those painful things were just her way of showing her love and that it would be too difficult for her to learn to hug and kiss me instead. One time she screamed that I was useless in a crisis and that if we were in one she would make sure I died because I would have been dead weight and would be an acceptable loss.I wasn't allowed to drink from water fountains, tuck in my shirt, do my hair the way I wanted to, or use the oven when I was with her (which was sad because baking is one of my favorite things to do, and I missed it terribly). When my parents said something to upset her, she threatened to forbid me from visiting them.Towards the end she had started to slap my with her "beating stick" (back scratcher) to make my skin turn red. It hurt and I begged her to stop but her defense was that it didn't leave bruise marks on me. She forbade me from spending my own money on anything things that weren't on sale at the store and cursed me out when I was sick and went to the doctor. She started threatening to throw dishes at me or beat me up if I didn't get better at following her instructions.I believe in the old maxim of "be liberal in what you accept and conservative in what you emit," so I never raised my voice when she screamed and cursed at me, although I would sometimes defend myself. I made breakfast in bed for her. I brought soft drinks to her throughout the day so she didn't have to get up for them (she called me her "man-servant"). She could wake me up in the middle of the night and I would rub her sore hip for thirty minutes straight to help her go back to sleep. I waited for months for her to show me love the way I needed it; I loved and cared for her so much and gave her a pass because of her terrible childhood and the stressful things she was going through.My question: is it really possible to find someone with whom to have a balanced, mutual sharing of love and affection that makes both people happy? I am worried that anyone who would be good for me would run away if they ever found out about these experiences I have had. But my biggest fear is that the experience of physical affection (making out, caressing, etc.) will always seem dry and mechanical
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 " Then I will likely only be living in that location for one to three years, which is surely too short to find a long-term partner."
You're being too pessimistic. People fall in and out of love before a year has passed even, and then people do move to be with their partner too you know. It's not like it's impossible, just think about all the people who are in the army and still get get married and have families, even thought you'd think it's near impossible. It works. If there's a will there is a way. So do NOT take any sorrows in advance.
My advice to you is to NOT be negative. Do not think pessimistically about how this or that will not work. You don't know that it wont work! You don't know that you will not stay for more than 3 years maximum in a place even, and you know what? 3 years isn't that short amount of time! It's a rather great amount of time! All my previous relationships lasted only a year and a half, so by that standard you'd have time for at least two relationships in three years, and still find out they weren't the ones for you...
When I was still studying my then boyfriend broke up with me saying he didn't think he could wait for me if I moved away. I thought that finding my first job after graduation would mean I had to move. So I was prepared for that, and he dumped me because he wasn't sure he could handle a long distance relationship. Guess what? I stayed in that same city for another 5 years. Now how's that for the stupidest reason ever to break up with someone(sure, it could have been just an excuse, but it still proves my point).
I stayed in the same city because I continued with my studies to get a masters degree. I then got a boyfriend who moved away. Once I graduated, guess where I happened to find a job? In the same city as my boyfriend. And mind you, I applied for jobs all over the country. We were prepared to have a long distance relationship, and in these situations you just have to think long term. I knew that with enough work experience I would probably be able to move to wherever he was and find work. But as it happened, I ended up working in the same city as him.
So the thought you have about not being able to be in a relationship because you probably will only live in the same city for 1-3 years is totally crazy and not rooted in reality. In reality it's not really that big of a deal.
A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (4 July 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all of you who provided advice and encouragement here. It is going to be a difficult road, and the lonely feelings are just now hitting me, and I realize that I need to stay alone for a while. I have a year of school left and will then be going wherever I can find a job, likely a postdoc. Then I will likely only be living in that location for one to three years, which is surely too short to find a long-term partner. It saddens me to think of all of that time where I will have to be alone and makes me wonder whether there is still enough time to have a happy family of my own someday before I am very old.Thank you again, everyone. You are reaching out and answering questions from strangers all over the world on the internet, and I want you to know how much of a difference that act of kindness can make for someone.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I don't think he's saying it's mostly painful. Rather, just that long-term love DOES take a LOT of work. And since you're new to relationships, he was just giving some heads up as to what to expect.
I had a five year relationship end years ago. And it's exactly what he said. So many wonderful and amazing times. But also so much work and effort and sadness, too. It just comes along as a package deal. And with the right person, it's completely worth every struggle you may have together. But I wouldn't necessarily say it's more struggle than enjoyment. If that becomes the case for an extended amount of time, I would suggest leaving. Anyhow, I just believe he was trying to tell you that love and affection is absolutely possible and attainable. But to just be aware of some of the difficulties of real love at the same time. Real love - not abusive love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2013):
 Once you hit a certain age (I would venture a guess at around 25+) everyone has baggage of some sort. Either from their upbringing/family or from past relationships. Not all as extreme as your past relationship, but it really is up to you at any point in time when you date someone new, how much you want to divulge. Your past is just that - YOUR past.
I'm glad to hear that you learned from this, even if the lesson was hard.
I would however (if I were you) try and date someone closer to your own age. I think finding someone with a LOT less baggage then your crazy ex might make it "easier".
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (3 July 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseowl: Thank you for your advice. I don't think I ever had any illusions that love would be all puppies and rainbows, and I think I have seen quite well the painful side of love. But surely there can be _some_ good times, _some_ sickly-sweet puppies and rainbows, to leaven the pain occasionally? I am sure I am misunderstanding you, it sounds like you are saying that love is mostly painful, like this relationship was for me.After the honeymoon period in our relationship, when she started to become less pleasant to be around, I found that my love for her was still strong. I still loved her even when I left, which is part of why it was so painful. She begged me not to leave her alone, and I couldn't bear to cause such pain in her. I _deeply_ loved her and wanted only the best for her, and in some ways still do. It always tore me apart to see her in pain. I always tried to see her point of view in our arguments, and tried to respond kindly and calmly to even her most screaming and curse-filled rages.I don't expect love to be all kissy-cuddly, but I would be lying if I didn't want _some_ of that in my life, maybe even beyond the honeymoon period of a relationship. Is that unrealistic?I know in my head I am misunderstanding you, but unfortunately my emotional side insists upon reading your comment as a despairing treatise on what love is like. Thank you again for your advice.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2013):
Wow I am so very sorry to hear about your experience. She sounds like she us the dom in the S&M relationship. Thing is, in those relationships, BOTH parties are willing and consenting. Wow, just wow. She put buggers in your mouth??? Jesus!
I don't know why you chose to stay with this horrific woman, but let me tell you this. You WILL find live and respect with a woman who wants all the things you are looking for. I've never met a person like you just described, so she's NOT the norm.
Keep your head up. You seem like a nice and caring guy. You'll find something wonderful with a sweet girl. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Of course it's possible to be in a relationship where both people are happy. I don't think anyone will judge you for what happened. They may wonder why you didn't stand up for yourself more, but I think that's all the more thought they would give it. As for physical affection feeling dry or mechanical, it won't as long as you and the person you're with feel mutually attracted to one another. When it goes dry, that's when you know either you or the other person is losing interest.
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (2 July 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. I think that a large part of what kept me with her so long was that I came to believe all the things she told me, and even in my most lucid moments (e.g., "I graduated from college at 18 with a perfect grade point average and she constantly calls me stupid? Surely she isn't right") I was afraid of her. After seeing how she planned elaborate retaliations against her friends when she broke up with them, I realized that breaking up with her might be downright dangerous. In fact, the breakup nearly was so and I ended up having to call the police (after she blocked my exit and then tried to block my car door from closing and knocked the phone out of my hand when I tried to call the police). A couple of days later her father started driving towards my apartment to beat up my parents and I, so we had to run for hiding. I guess I have to hope that next time I have to leave someone I will find out early enough that breaking up would not be dangerous. But then, I guess the risks were worth taking to avoid spending the rest of my life with her.Chigirl: It is very good to hear from someone who has gone through such a similar experience and has been able to move on from it. It gives me hope. What I want in my life is warmth and kindness and intimacy, and at the bottom of my heart I just hope that I have enough of that to give, and that I can give that to someone who won't hurt me so.Honeypie: Thank you for your advice. I would not want to bring up sensitive issues of my past really early on, but I guess I am worried that sooner or later it would come up.I am in nowhere near as bad a place now as far as depression/anxiety as I was two years ago. Back then it nearly cost me my life, and the sheer intensity and variety of feelings was maddening. As difficult as this whole breakup was, I think I have been able to control those issues a lot better this time around. This may sound strange, but I think the one benefit of this relationship is that it has made me a stronger person. Her outbursts of rage at first made me cry or gave me panic attacks, but eventually I became numb to them and they didn't hurt as much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): Your previous romantic experience seemed to be under the influence of a sado-masochist, with some narcissistic tendencies. You were involved with a lunatic. However; the upside is, you gained some experience.Your frail emotional state following this liaison; may require some counseling for post-traumatic stress. You were barely over your treatment for severe depression; before you were victimized by this crazy lady. Yikes!In answer to your question; yes it is possible to have a balanced and mutually fulfilling relationship. However; life has no guarantees of how long it will take before you find one. That, and you have to know what you're looking for. It takes dating, weeding (the elimination process), and waiting.I will tell you what I have advised many other people. Love happens spontaneously. It finds you. Just because you have fun or enjoy the company of a person of the opposite; or (if you are gay) the same sex, it does not follow that love will ignite. You can't force it.There are endorphins that are generated that make us feel good when we are with people we care for, and we know care for us. Too often, we get ahead of the the process and emotionally "attach" too quickly. Before we really know the true nature of the person we've become infatuated with.When we are as vulnerable as you were; we tend to ignore warnings and flags. In desperation, we search for fulfillment. People tend to get swept up far too soon, and the relationship fails. Thus the cynicism you are now expressing.You have a lot of emotional healing to do. I think you are too fragile, and your judgement may still be impaired by your recent bout with depression and the trauma of your last relationship. Take your time. Slow it down, bucko! You're in your early twenties, and life experience will answer your question through a long and tumultuous journey.You have to be prepared and ready to cope. You have to have a positive attitude. You also have to be optimistic when seeking a new mate. Those we seek to share our feelings, deserve equal to what we want from them. It's not all laid out on a platter. There is often missing ingredients. You don't find people-types on a menu.People always take several hops ahead of the dating process. If they can slow down their immediate need for confirmation and gratification; they'd know who they're dealing with, before they are all wrapped up in the throws of what they falsely perceive to be love.You can't go out into the world feeling there is no hope; and expect to find anything good. You have to believe love truly exists. Love feels good from many different perspectives; but it has it's pitfalls. Real love-relationships are complicated, stressful, irritating, and wonderful. All this wrapped into one.If you go into it with a naive perspective and unrealistic expectations; you're up for a lot of disappointment. It isn't always love-dovey kissy-cuddly. There is disagreement, disappointment, fear, anger, and sadness. These all comprise a real relationship. Only the strong survive. You learn from failure, and move on.Don't expect love, without pain. Not whips, chains, and garters. I mean the events that occur in normal daily living; which may effect our relationships either voluntarily or involuntarily. You learn to over-come threatening obstacles together. You learn to compromise, to respect, to forgive, and to care for each others feelings. You grow together, and independently.You give each other support and inspiration. These things makes it good.If that is what you want, then approach it with a mature and realistic attitude. Be positive in your approach. Be prepared for adversity, rejection, and resistance. It happens.You go through phases. Earlier, the honey-moon phase. All is blissful warm and fuzzy. Then the first argument, and hormonal haze lifts; and you see the real person yelling your direction. It's not the end, it's the beginning of love. The trials and tribulations that come with the full-package. If you're not ready, don't pursue it; because that's how it is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 July 2013):
You were in an abusive relationship. An abusive and dysfunctional relationship. We call them dysfunctional, because they are not the sort of FUNCTIONAL relationships people should be in. Meaning, there has to be functional relationships too, right? Otherwise why call what is "normal", "dysfunctional"?
You tolerated this behaviour from her because of your lack of experience in relationships. This was your first one, and you were naive. You thought love would be enough, and that if you loved someone (and I am sure she told you she loved you too) then you would be good to one another. Aim to make each other happy. Thus is the case in a functional relationship. In a dysfunctional, the partners use each other. She used you to gain control. She wanted to have power, and power in the relationship. Like a dictator, if you like.
Now, you were with a dictator, but a functional relationship is where there is respect, trust and honesty. Respect, meaning the two partners are equals. Both get to have a say, and neither deliberately hurt the other. They may disagree, but it is never physical, nor is it through name calling. What you experienced with your ex girlfriend was arguments, but quite frankly punishment. Punishment for you being yourself. She was angry, and she took it out on you. That is the trade mark of an abuser. You must never tolerate such behaviour, for there is NOT an excuse for it. She is an adult, not a child. Her difficult childhood caused problems for her as a child, and would excuse her behaviour as a child. But as an adult, one is ALWAYS responsible for ones own behaviour. Remember that. Whatever excuse she had was BS. And you must not tolerate excuses. Always see and action for what it is. Always listen to actions, not words. She told you she loved you = words. She hit you = her true feelings of care for you.
I am sorry that you experienced this, but if it is of any comfort you should know that what she did was wrong, and most of us have at one point or another, been in a dysfunctional, or even abusive, relationship. We know what it's like, and things get better from here on. Because now you know what things shouldn't be like, now you know what love isn't, and now you know that you can't make someone treat you right, no matter how good you are to them. Either they treat you right out of their own good will and desire, or they don't. If they don't have the good will and desire to be good to you, then they wont ever be. Really. People don't change. Either they are good to you, period, or they aren't. You may also encounter relationships that swing in periods or great and periods of shit. I was in one such relationship one time (my latest ex actually), and it was so difficult to see that it was a bad relationship. That he was a bad apple... He lied to me constantly, called me names, would scream at me, forbade me to do this or that, told me I wasn't allowed to walk away if he talked to me, or yelled at me (actually held me by force or would block the door). But then when he was good to me he was perfect. And when he was mad he was crazy. You have good intentions and want to trust that they love you. You give them some slack. You think it's just stress, or whatever they tell you. But then it just gets worse and worse as time goes by.
For me, looking back, it's so easy to see how bad the relationship was from the very beginning. Same for you, you can look back and see that already 6 weeks in, she showed you her true colours. I stayed for 18 months too with this man. Some stay even longer. It's hard to realize when in the middle of it, but you learn from it. Once you're out of the bad relationship, and once time goes by and you heal, you can look back and take lesson from it.
My current relationship is the best one I've ever been in, and I think I wouldn't have realized that it was worth keeping, if it wasn't for my bad relationship. My boyfriend had never called me names. Never gets physical. The worst he's ever done was raise his voice (not even shouting) and left the room. He's never intentionally hurt me, we've never had acts of revenge. If he forgets to do something I tell him so and get annoyed, but that's the end of it. If he gets annoyed with me he tells me. Last time he actually just calmly said he was pissed off at me, and then we calmly talked about it and sorted things out. There doesn't need to be violence, no matter how angry you are at one another. So there is no excuse.
Yes, there are good relationship in which you can lay your soul out and the other person will never use it against you. There are relationships in which you can give the other your heart, and even as risky as it is, or how easy it would be, they wont drop it or stomp at it. There are such relationships. Relationships where you will feel love, passion, warm hugs and kisses. Just hang in there, don't give up. Take your time to heal now, learn from your experience, and you will move on to someone much better, because it can only get better from here on. You wont fall into a similarly bad relationship now, not after you have learned to read the signs of a dysfunctional relationship.
The greatest lesson I think is this one: Never accept bullshit. Respect (and love) yourself enough to get up and leave if presented with bullshit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2013):
I'm so sorry you ended up with a woman like that at a point in time where you SO didn't need an abusive partner.
Yes, I DO think it's possible to find someone who wants most of the same things in a relationship as you do. But I would say you need to learn to take it a LOT slower. Get to know the woman you are dating. The one you mention seems to have been a sadist to be honest, maybe that is why her last marriage ended? Or she is one of those women who was treated like shit and then take it out on the first available person, that person just happened to be you.
One rule of thumb I think you need to take to heart is, YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF HOW PEOPLE TREAT YOU. She tells you you can't wear your hair one way... and you OBEY? Why? She wouldn't let you bake? And you OBEY? You know it's OK to say no, right? To have a mind of your own? If you are with someone who wants to control and limit you, it ends up being very uneven.
YOU need to find a way to forgive yourself for being with this banshee. You were vulnerable and made a bad choice in a partner. IT happens! Learn what you can from it.
Are you still dealing with depression/anxiety?
As for someone running away when they hear about your abusive ex, well then obviously she isn't for you. However, it's not something I would go into details with while getting to know someone. A guy (from my perspective) who talks excessively about an ex is not someone I would want to date. Why? Because to me it shows that that ex still hold a big part of him.
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