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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have so many questions: am I having an affair? Am I doing the right thing? Does she think I'm using her?I should probably start with a bit of background. I've known this girl for years, always fancied her, had a mess about when we were younger and always had some kind of flirty relationship. I started a relationship with someone else who I've been with for 2 years. For the first year I hardly spoke to the other girl but the last year we've started speaking more and eventually it turned sexual. Now I know what everyone is thinking, that I'm a massive cheat, and I know that's wrong of me. But apart from this one girl I've never cheated, but know my girlfriend has on more than one occasion but we've worked through it. We're as bad as each other I guess and I know the relationship needs to end. Anyway things heated up with this other girl and we've been intimate on a number of occasions. I think the world of her and admit that I'm very emotionally attached to her. I don't know what I want or if being in a relationship with her would ruin what we have now or even if she wants a relationship with me. She text me on the weekend saying she doesn't think it's fair to my girlfriend to carry on the way we are and she feels awful that she allowed anything to happen with us. We've agreed to take it back to just being friends but now I find myself thinking about her constantly. Before we would text once or twice a week but now I want to speak to her everyday, I miss her when I'm not speaking to her. I don't know how to handle it. I think I love her. How do I deal with this mess?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): I agree that you should end it with your girlfriend. You have broken a bond that will be extremely difficult to repair. Even if you stay faithful, your thoughts are not and you are incapable of being present when you are with your girlfriend. You did have an affair, and your emotional bond to your girlfriend has been broken. Unless you feel confident that you could feel that strongly about her again, you should set her free so that she can find someone who will. Break it off, and spend at least six months being single, a year if you are still obsessing about the other girl at six months. If after your obsession dies down, this other girl turns out to be capable of a healthy, faithful relationship, then great, but you need to give it time. Don't jump into anything too soon.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 IIt's like someone who is trying to stop smoking and says well except for that cig that was in the drawer that I smoked this morning,I've stopped smoking. You're a big cheat. live with it or change. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Yes you are cheating.
No, the fact that your GF cheated on you doesn't make it OK for you to turn around and cheat now.
Are you using her? No, I think you're using each other. I think she ended it because her "moral compass" finally pointed due North and she KNEW what you two were doing is wrong. You are however, USING your GF. She is the person you like to have around because she is familiar and comfortable.
What can you do? Well, I only see one option. END IT WITH YOUR GF. If you SO easily can be led astray by someone you USED to fancy and fancy again, you don't love your GF as much as you might want to. And by sleeping with the other girl you thought more about YOURSELF, your LIBIDO then your GF. Again, the fact that you GF cheated on you prior doesn't make YOU cheating ANY better, nor ant more acceptable. After all YOU should know how ROTTEN it feels to be cheated on.
End it with the GF. SPEND some time being single. You can still hang out with the other girl but I'd stick to a platonic relationship for a but. REACQUAINT yourselves with each other (and not in bed) before doing more.
And end it with your GF because cheating shouldn't be tit for tat, nor should it be OK in a relationship. You haven't really forgiven her (or you wouldn't have mentioned her cheating in your post as an excuse as to why it's not totally devastating for YOU to cheat).
Set your GF free, and set yourself free.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Sometimes, when I read things like this, I think that the obvious will bite people like you in the nose!
Just to understand and I can recap,
1. You knew and liked this girl for years, but it had never actually happened.
2. Two years ago, you began a serious relationship with someone else and are still with her.
3. You know your current girlfriend has cheated on you in these past two years, but one more than one occasion, you've "worked through it".
4. This other girl has gotten back into your life, and while still with your girlfriend, you two have gotten sexual. Yes, you are a cheater.
5. The girl you're cheating with is having an attack of conscience and wants to stop the sex stuff and "go back to friendship" but you're having a huge problem now with that.
Why aren't you doing the obvious?!??! Why haven't you broken up with your cheater girlfriend? Why become as bad as she is? Her cheating doesn't justify YOUR cheating. You could have ended it with your girlfriend and pursued this new girl as a single man and done it right and you'd be on cloud 9 right now. Now you pretty much ARE using her, hedging your bets with a little bit of passive/aggressive justification on the side.
Break. Up. With. Your. Girlfriend. How much more ridiculously simple can it possibly get???? You've already screwed up the friendship with the new girl by becoming intimate, and it can never get back to what it was. This girl is pretty much telling you to do the right thing by your current relationship by ENDING IT so you and this new girl can be together properly in a proper relationship.
You hemming and hawing and keeping things as they are for fear of "ruining" what you have. I'll be honest - staying with your girlfriend will ruin BOTH relationships. Your two-year current relationship is ruined by both of you pretty much spitting on fidelity forever. It's like a dead animal carcass that's filled with maggots, and you're afraid to drop the maggotty carcass because you think it's better than what you'll have with this new girl you already can't stop thinking of??
Put your head on straight...stop trying to hedge your bets with the carcass, break up with your girlfriend, and do things the honorable way. How much more obvious can you get?
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Am I having an affair?
Yes you are having an affair.
Am I doing the right thing?
No I really don't think you are doing the right thing. The only reason you stopped having sex with the other girl is because of her choice-not yours. Because you are still in contact with this girl it is still considered a betrayal to your girlfriend. The right thing to do is to break-up with your girlfriend or come clean and fix the problem.
Does she think I'm using her?
Which girl? In my opinion you are using both for your own selfish needs.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 September 2014):
 It might be comforting to know that someone is waiting for you while you end the relationship. The most probably thing that would happen is that you won't feel comfortable being in a relationship with the friend because there is a trust issue.
Let me be honest with you, you can only have a wholesome relationship with a new girl if you ruin your friendship so it might not be a bad thing. I think subconsciously, you had sex with your friend because "oh, how she's missing out that I spent time with my girlfriend a lot," or "I wonder so much what sex would feel to her, since it's so taboo." "If the girlfriend thing doesn't work, I will always have my friend to comfort me" and the last one, which is the fantasy of a lot of people, "If I could choose, I would have a relationship with both girls, that would be perfect."
In other words, your platonic friendship with females could be ruining your romantic relationships.
To answer your questions. Yes you were having an affair. In your brain you may think both of these women belong to you but in reality you have to play fair. The selfish part of the brain does not care about rules. Doing the right thing as to cool it down? Yes. Does she think I am using her? I don't think so. She already said she felt awful allowing anything to happen.
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