A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am lost and don't know what to do. I have been married for 7 years and just found out that my wife is having an afair with a man who is 30 years her senior. She blames me, she tells me that it's because we do not have sex as much as she would like. She says that when we do have sex, it's great and I satisfy her every time we do it. She says we just don't do it enough. She feels we are going round in circles and every 6 months or so, we will go 2 or 3 weeks without doing anything. When we aren't in a lull we do it roughly three times a week, sometimes more. She tells me she isn't sure what she wants. She doesn't know whether she wants to stay with me. We have two daughters and due to other commitments, she feels trapped. She feels she can't leave and neither can I. We do not have a big circle of friends and we aren't friendly enough with anyone for me to be able to lodge at anyones house to give her space. My family live over 120 miles from me and my job would make it impossible to commute. She wants us to try living together as friends and enjoy each others company until she is certain what she wants. I don't know what to do. It's xmas in a few weeks and neither of us want to ruine it for our girls. I love her and do not want to lose her but at the moment I feel helpless.
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female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (25 November 2010):
Every person I know (quite a few) has described the same thing to me when splitting up. My brother knew he was going to leave his wife but still chopped up all the logs for winter. My partner fixed the solar panel on his old house and spent all his savings doing it even though he was leaving his wife. I drew a picture for my ex husband. People behave in strange ways when they have one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow. For her there is an unwillingness to let go of a routine that reassures even though you don’t want it any more and facing something very scary.
If I were you I would definitely NOT be trying to touch your wife. Do NOT tell her anything about missing. This will make her recoil and confirm her feelings to herself again. It is one of the ways you can self-fulfil the prophecy. Be needy and she will back off. It is really very hard to do but for her to respect you, you are gong to have to start putting yourself first, not make getting her to tolerate you the priority.
You need to do what she least expects and that is to separate yourself from intimacy. It would be completely appropriate to let her know that whilst you still love her you are not sure how you feel maintaining your relationship any more. It will take a while before you are brave enough. She needs to know that this is not all on her terms. Behaving the way you have gives her nothing to work for. When there’s cookies in the jar who wants cookies? Good luck!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who has posted so far. It's giving me a great source of strength receiving the support I have so far.
Yesterday we I spent my time at work going out of my mind. The day started off with her phoning me a couple of times to ask me for help with a couple of things. During the afternoon the communication dropped off completely.
I received and email from her stating that she needed to phone a friend and asked that I not come back from 2pm for an hour or so. When I did hear from her after this time, it was just once and it seemed a little cold.
When I got home yesterday evening, we spent little time together until after our girls had gone to bed, but when they had, my wife and I were joking about various things and things seemed relaxed.
I felt confident enough to tell her that 'I didn't want to annoy or pressure her but that I missed'. Her face straightened and she did leave the room for a minute or two but her mood with me did not change, things were still light hearted after this point.
She is still talking about future plans with me. She wants us to replace the carpet in our living room with wooden flooring. We are talking about getting some new furniture for the room in the new year (additional, not replacement), she has asked me if agree with certain plans she would like to follow up on in the new year.
We are still sleeping in the same bed and for 10 minutes or so when we went to bed, I stroked her back, shoulders, neck and bottom. At one stage I did stroke her bottom and got a little close to her personal parts. At this point she said 'no', I moved my hand away and just continued stroking her back. This continued for another few minutes at which point she got up to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she laid facing me in such a way that it would have been hard for me to stroke her, not that I intended to try at that stage.
I don't want to see something that isn't there but does any of this seem positive?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCatflap 1. Thayou for your post. I have just ordered the book off Amazon.
Anon female reader who says throw her out. Thanks for the input but it isn't an option at the moment. I still love her and even though I do not accept the whole blame, I am in some way responsible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): remember once a cheat is always cheat she/he is just bleaming u 2 make her/his gult justfied
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A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (24 November 2010):
Buy a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James C Dobson. I am not kidding. It explains how your situation may have developed and what to do step by step to save your marriage and if it is saveable it will give you your best chance. One of the things people miss when their partner has been unfaithful is that they do have reason to be angry, firm, stand up for themselves and do something. It will stop you feeling powerless. The very fact of you taking the intiative will make you more attractive to your wife. When, even though someone has cheated, the partner gets scared and needy, it pushes the person further toward the conclusion that they don't want to be with them any more. If however, you were to say in order to even have a chance of being together the affair must stop, you would accept that you are not sure about her any more either. She would know absolutely that she would have to work to make this situation right, not just allow you to be in her life. This is the kind of area where your influence has been lost and you need it back. The book will help you, I know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Kick her out. Now. She cheated, end of. The kids deserve a better mother than one who puts her sexual needs above her husband and children.
Don't see why you should "rent a room" somewhere. She's the guilty party, kick her out, start divorce and custody procedings.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 You have two option. One is to forgive and work things out, and the other is to leave and start over.
Option one: What your wife craves from you is passion. She is obviously getting this excitement from another man and I'm sure a part of her wish it was coming from you.
Sex every 2-3 weeks is not alot. You lose intimatcy with each other and eventually lose connection.
What you both need to do if you want to work on it is seek marraige counseling to help you both deal out the issues. Women need communication and to feel loved. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm saying that somewhere along the way, you both went separate ways. So if you want to save the marraige, you both need to work on it. Again. It takes two people to make this work. If she has given up, then you have no choice but to move on.
You also need to think about if you can forgive her and make it work. If you can't, then it's best that you move on too. The trust has been broken.
This is a lot to deal with, and the road ahead is going to be very painful. You need to sit down and think what is it you want too.
Since it is the Christmas holidays, I say try to suck it up and put on a happy face for the kids. Be strong, and then the new year, you can set a plan and take action.
But her suggestion as friends will never work. Maybe space and separation will be good to get your head clear.
Although you don't have family, I am sure you can rent a room somewhere. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2010):
 ps -1. would your wife be prepared to agree to counselling to improve the communication in this marriage?2. the 'commitments' you mention, is there any kind of restructure that would lessen the pressure there? 3. besides the checking account do watch that there are not debts being run up on a joint credit card. Because it sounds like your wife is in a phase that is self absorbed. Otherwise she would have rejected thoughts of infidelity.And you do not want to be lumbered with sexually acquired debt (sad)4. Does your wife work full time to help the family coffers,' if not suggest it, because it might burn off some of her sexual energy and use the money to pay off debt.5. Your daughters possibly sense the tension in the air, but i do hope Christmas works out ok.6. Continue to be pleasant to your wife, but be prepared for her selfishness to get worse.One day she may realise what she is throwing away. Or one day she may come back begging your forgiveness
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2010):
she should not try to drop the guilt on you for her infidelity. Besides, if she wants more sex at home why can't she initiate it? Two or three weeks is a long time to go without. Perhaps you have both been in the doldrums recently due to other pressures.
But infidelity is not the answer.
i imagine you work hard, and put in long hours, to earn the money to provide your family lifestyle.
And the global financial crisis has not made things easier. Debt and worry over debt can be a real passion killer.
So i suppose this older guy has been an escape for her.
Financially bringing up 2 daughters is tough too.
All those pressures on you would tire out most people.
I think her infidelity is a signal that she wants out.
She is trying to force the issue. i do not suggest you move out, it's your home. Though i realise it is humiliating to be asked to have a platonic relationship with your wife.
Do get your finances separated or at least chage the checking accout to 'both need to sign/both signature together
Am perplexed at the much older guy being portrayed as the virile answer to her prayers. Yes older guys can often hold on to an erection longer, but repeat firing is not as rapid, as the faster recovery period for a younger guy. So cab't see how he will solve things for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hadn't realised that I'd flagged myself as female I am most definitely male.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): i'm a bit confused. Your details say you are a female. But you have posted a post as if you are male? Whether you are female or really male i extend my sympathy to you at this tragic discovery about your partner
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