A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 years now. Our families have meshed and we've gone on many trips together, have gone through many experiences and have even told each other I love you half a year into our relationship. He lives on his own and I do too. I have been introspective and tried to see why he could have been cheating on me, but am not sure why. I give him attention, love, spice things up in bed, and regularly have sex with him. To keep a very long story short, I had found out that he has been having sex with another woman ever since day one. I am not sure what to think of it. He said he loved me, but is it true? I was hoping to marry him but I am not sure if it's wise to give him a chance at redeeming himself. Is he just not that into me? Could he really love me if he's been cheating the entire time we've been together? We are both 33.
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male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 Sorry honey. Get out you deserve better. If you forgive him and get married your allways going to be insecure. He will be late home from work and you will thinking hes sleeping with someone. If there is no remorse or offer to try to make you feel secure hes got nothing. Find a man that will make you feel amazing you deserve it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): Thank you all. I appreciate the words of wisdom and experience
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 May 2019):
 First of all cheating is a reflection on him not you. Typical response to being cheated on is to look at your yourself as the cause. I am I pretty enough, am I smart enough, am I skinny enough etc when is should be him asking himself am I decent enough, man enough, am I honourable, loyal and honest etc. He is none of these things. Not in the past 3 years, probably not in the future either. I empathise with you, I was you, and I wish I had enough self respect not to give a second chance. My experience from doing that was a punishment to myself that I did not deserve. What happens is you live in a constant state of hyper vigilance which drives you almost mad. As much as you try not too, it is what it is. Rarely do you get full disclosure so your left forever wondering. Even if you did , you doubt that you have so you are a rat on a wheel. Your told to get over it when you cant therefore the arguing begins. As much as you will try, you cant control flashbacks nor the pictures you conjure up in your head of the two of them when you are alone or in his company so you suffer a perpetual pain. A song, a smell, a movie, a place- anything will trigger them off. Its mentally and emotionally taxing. So like he had his choice to cheat, you have a choice to not put yourself through it. This is NOT love. He has made a fool of you, don't make a fool of yourself, like I did, by staying with someone who simply doesn't value you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): If someone cheats on you, that's the utmost in disrespect; and it means they don't value your trust. He made of fool of you.
You're doing what far too many women do to keep a man. You keep forgiving him no matter what he does. You'll bury yourself in denial; while you rationalize to yourself why you should keep him.
News flash! Cheating, lying, and deception are deal-breakers!!!
Just like we have devious and corrupt political-leadership in our country. They can blatantly lie to the whole world, commit crimes, and do just about anything; and still keep a loyal base of voters. I guess even the devil has loyal fans! Fortunately, they'll burn in hell with him!
If a man loves you, demand that he proves it through his actions; not just accept his word for it. Loyalty and faithfulness are essential to maintain a monogamous romantic-commitment. Otherwise, you're in an open-relationship; or nothing more than friends with benefits.
I hope you'll go get fully tested to make sure you haven't been infected with an STD. You're exposed to everyone he has been sleeping with behind your back. Kissing the same mouth and exchanging body-fluids.
We are living in a world of lowered-standards, bad-manners, habitual-lying, over-developed senses of entitlement, and just about anything goes. If it feels good...do it! If it's wrong, it's okay as long as you don't get caught! No accountability and no sense of conscience. Know your own value and self-worth; and be convinced that you deserve better!
He doesn't love you enough to be faithful, or to value your trust. He can look you in the eyes without any sense of guilt or remorse. Pretending like all is well and good!
You can forgive him; but you don't have to keep him.
Set higher standards and expectations on men who claim they love you. Take no less than what you're giving; and be totally honest with yourself. Whom and what kind of man you're married to, is more important than just being married! HE IS NOT HUSBAND-MATERIAL!!!
How can the thought of marriage even be conceivable in your mind, after knowing he has cheated on you the entire time you've been together???
Don't be foolish or delusional! DO NOT look the other way when you know someone is stabbing you in the back! He smiles in your face, says he loves you, hangs out with your family; and cheats on you all at the same-time.
That's a low-down dirty dog!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 May 2019):
 You're 33 now and have already invested 3 years into this relationship.
Do you want to be back here at age 43, asking the same question, having invested 13 years?
He may love you. He may want to build a life with you, but he also wants the freedom of a bachelor to pursue others on the side. A perk he doesn't want you to have.
So, my answer is NO.
No drama, no teary eyed goodbyes, no heartfelt speeches. Just a dignified parting of ways.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (12 May 2019):
 Why are you even asking this?
No cheater deserves a second chance under any circumstance. I don’t understand how anyone could consider working through being cheated on. It is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship and there’s nothing lower, how can people have such little self respect that they will sweep cheating under the carpet? You are basically saying it’s okay for that person to disrespect you and you’ll accept and get over that behaviour.
You could not cheat on a person you love. It’s impossible. I don’t care what anyone says, you CANNOT do it. Your mind would simply not allow it. People can SAY they’re in love all they want, it doesn’t mean shit. You show love through actions and cheating IS NOT the behaviour of someone who’s in love, I think that goes without saying.
If you forgive his cheating then why would he stop? There’s no consequence to his action. He got away with it once so why wouldn’t he a second time?
The guy is a loser, why would you honestly be considering letting him back in when you can find someone who actually does love you?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 May 2019):
 So he said he loved you? Sweetheart, never listen to what someone says; rather, watch what they DO. ACTIONS speak volumes while words are cheap.
He was TELLING you he loved you but his actions did not support his words. How do you know he was not telling his other "girlfriend" the same thing? If he could hide something like that from you for 3 years, he is obviously an accomplished liar. Could you ever trust him again?
In my opinion, you can do better. MUCH better.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2019):
 You will never be able to trust him again and for good reason. Let him go and find someone who won’t cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): You deserve better. It will be hard but you need to leave him and move on. Don’t waste a second longer with a man that doesn’t respect you. He won’t change. Even if he ends it with this girl, you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder wondering when he’s going to do it again. Don’t marry him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 May 2019):
 This is a no brainer for me OP. I wouldn't even consider staying with a man who had cheated on me for 3 years. I'd be out the door, block him and moving on. There is no respect and you shouldn't trust him anymore than you could throw him. He'd be gone gone gone. Are you that afraid of being alone that you'd even consider staying with him? He'll never be faithful to you and as Honeypie points out what makes you think that there is just 1 woman besides you?
Love yourself enough to see him for what he is and get him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2019):
 He might care for you, but HE definitely LOVE himself and his "freedom" more.
What is there to redeem? This wasn't a ONE-TIME drunken mistake or "things aren't going well so he reached out to an ex or whatnot".... this is a DELIBERATE choice he made. He actually think you are BLIND or DESPERATE or NAIVE enough to believe what he says.
It's EASY to tell someone "I love you". But if you CHEAT on them for 3 years... what does his ACTIONS tell you?
And maybe SHE wasn't the only one he's been having sex with. He is putting YOUR health at risk by cheating. He doesn't CARE. She might even he been someone he committed to BEFORE he met you, which in a way makes YOU the one he is cheating with.
WHY on Earth would you marry him? Do you really think a ring on your fingers and some "sweet vows" would stop him from cheating?
You know what you need to do, you just don't WANT to be single.
If you let this slide, do NOT have ANY expectations of faithfulness from him EVER again. Nor that you can TRUST him EVER again.
He's taken you for a mug, and you seriously ask if you should forgive this?
This isn't about you. YOU didn't MAKE him cheat. HE made that choice to DISRESPECT you and the relationship. To LIE to you. Is that LOVE to you?
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