A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi what do you when you feel like your not enough for someone I’ve been with my partner for 5 years the last 2 years we’ve had sex maybe 4 times he sleeps on the sofa and is constantly checking girls out in front of me we have a 2 year old son together but my confidence is so low due to all this our son is a brilliant sleeper in his own room so we have plenty of time together but he makes no effort in the relationship I do all the Washing ironing cleaning up go to work and look after our son all day he goes to work comes home and That’s him for the night on his xbox any advice I just don’t know what to do anymore thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2019): Thank you for your answers no I am not financially dependent on him I work 2 jobs around his hours and my son I have asked him why he’s sleeping on the sofa but he clams up on me and walks away
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 May 2019):
 maybe its more simpler: Is he good enough for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): Try changing something about your schedule. Tell him you are going out with “the girls” so he will have to watch your son, and actually go out. Start spending time on the phone out of his ear shot, but close enough for him to see that you are having an in-depth discussion with someone. I’m not saying cheat on your husband, I’m saying become mysterious and see if he takes more of an interest in you. If not, I’m sorry to say that he probably is having an affair and you should start popping home or past his office mid afternoon to verify.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): You say very little about yourself.
How dependent on him are you, financially and otherwise?
Why is he sleeping on the sofa? Have you discussed this? Have you talked about any of your problems?
You are very unhappy, he is not as unhappy as you are. Or at least he is finding a way to survive.
Sex is just one of the telltale signs that your relationship isn't working. You seem to be living in two different worlds.
If he's not having sex with you, he's having it with someone else. Even if he's "just" masturbating and thinking about someone else (real or not).
And the most important thing, he sounds like a coward. Checking out girls in front of you sounds like a cowardly way of trying to make you leave him since he has no guts to leave you.
So, to get back to my initial question. Are you making any money? Can you support yourself AND your child? Do you have family or friends that can help you out?
You see what I'm getting at.
Right now you are nowhere. BUT there is a solution. Stop taking care of him and his needs and turn towards yourself and your child.
If you don't do anything, two things will happen. He will either finally decide to leave or worse you will continue to live in this hell.
If you do not have a job, find one. You think you have no qualifications? That is probably not true. You have been taking care of your household and your kid. Those too are qualifications for certain jobs. You can always try and get some qualifications when you know what kind of a job you want to find. If you have the time try volunteering someplace. You'll meet people and opportunities will present themselves.
Don't stay at home whining. Meet people.
Is there a hobby you have? E.g. yoga. Try and become a yoga teacher. Give yoga lessons for free, then rise your fee.
If you have some control of your finances, put some money aside. It's not stealing. You'll be using that money to take care of your kid.
I understand the point WiseOwlE is making when talking about the importance of marriage. But I have seen more than one marriage fall apart where the ex-husband made no effort financial or otherwise to fulfill his obligations. And the law let them just get away with it. I have been married for almost 20 years and both my husband and I chose each other over and over again. No piece of paper can make us stay together. However, when a guy doesn't want to commit, the first thing he does is NOTHING. He does not participate in anything that is not fun. And if a woman thinks things will change for the better once they start living together or get married, she is mistaken. They will not stay the same, they will get worse, since she'll be treating her like a mother. You probably do not have another bedroom, otherwise, in all likelihood he would be sleeping there.
Before you sit down and seriously talk to him you have to be prepared for anything. You can't predict what he will say. Maybe he'll tell you how miserable he is and that he want to leave? Even if he ignores you or tries to reassure you that everything is fine, you know better and it will be up to you to make a clean cut.
Make a plan B for your and your child and then talk to him. But also know what you want and need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): This is one of the drawbacks of having children with a man who doesn't marry you first.
You don't know whether he stays for your sake; or for the sake of his child(ren)?
People insist on having children, and intertwining their finances and debts like married-people; but then you'll have issues like this, where you're uncertain if he's emotionally-available. With no marital-contract or legal spousal-rights between you; he could easily bail-out at any given time.
If he doesn't feel "married" he'll check-out women. A married-man is bound by his vows to honor you; but a boyfriend is going to act like a boyfriend, not a husband. Considering these days even husbands don't honor their marriages!
He's there on the "honor-system;" and you have to guess if he's committed to the family, or just feels trapped by having a child between you?
You have every right to ask him!
No one can make you feel enough for anyone. Self-confidence and self-worth is home-grown. You develop self-esteem and self-love for yourself, by yourself. It's not given to you. You shouldn't be dependent on other people to make you feel good about yourself. If a man truly loves you, he will demonstrate his feelings openly and voluntarily. You'll sense it instinctively as well.
You can't fault yourself as not being good enough; if he has roving-eyes. It's a fault in his character as a man; and he may be a bad-choice as a partner. What has changed over five years time? Surely this is who he is. He didn't magically change over-night. You've stuck by him; so this is your choice, unless you decide to end it.
You can't depend on being validated by other people; because you might get slighted, or be under-appreciated. People can get too comfortable or spoiled; and sometimes they'll take you for granted. You have to build your own self-confidence by working on your own faults and weaknesses. Resist your insecurities.
You have to have a good bridge of communication between you and your partner; so you can tell him what you are feeling. It shouldn't be hard to tell him when you need him to be more helpful and supportive. You shouldn't have to "ask" him to be more emotionally-involved in the relationship. He should already be emotionally-sensitive to your needs.
You can't be afraid or intimidated about discussing your relationship; when it needs work or improvement. If you go as far as starting a family; relationship-issues should be somewhat manageable, and you should be able to be open and candid with your partner when problems arise.
If you can't talk to a man, and he doesn't show you respect. Why would you give him children? He is who is was before you had your child. Now you're unsure if you're enough?
If you don't directly ask for help, he probably won't volunteer. Some guys think housework and laundry is woman's-work. If you've been with someone 5 years, and haven't worked these things out; it is likely how things will stay. Unless you have a radical shakeup in the relationship, and hand him an ultimatum.
Even if you decide to go to couple's counseling; no one can turn an inconsiderate-person into a considerate-person; or stop a flirt from being a flirt. These are issues that you account for in his personality when you're dating him; and you evaluate his character and values, before you commit to him. If you think you'll change him, that is unlikely.
Sometimes, you have to resort to drastic-measures; and kick him out, or leave him. If you think you can change him with words and nagging; that's not very effective on a full-grown man.
Try your best to talk about your feelings, and ask him to help you with household chores. If he sleeps on the sofa, it could be because you have an uncomfortable bed. Maybe you need a better mattress, or a larger bed. If you snore or wiggle a lot; he may be disturbed by it. If you're suggesting he just doesn't like sleeping with you; then that's just another matter you'll have to be forthcoming about in discussion. Ask him why?
Try to talk to him about these things. I'll have to be honest and tell you; any changes he makes are strictly voluntary. If this is how he has always behaved; what you see is what you get. He has had five years of practice, and it's all ingrained by this point. Old-habits are hard to change. You can't force people to love you, because you love them. In life, sometimes you come to a crossroads; and you have to decide to do what's best for the children, and for yourself. That's your option when he won't change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): Realise that this guy depends on you and you willingly do everything.
But you feel unappreaciated.
Drop some hints that you expected more from him!
Understand that you still have the ability to be yourself and he is a lucky guy to have you.
The occassional comment that if he looks at girls/females etc the way he does in the moment may make you feel the need to walk in the opposite direction so he can persue the life/connection he really wants!
This should redress the balance a bit.
I think he might fall over himself to let you know how much he wants to be with you, because otherwise he stands to loose it all.
If this doesnt help just keep trying to view yourself in another light with someone who is more demmonstrative with you in a positive light.
I dont think he wants to leavw you.
But you are vulnerable to feeling unloved.
Time to let him know that you need to feel appreciated to keep the show on the road.
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