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*ery_Hurt_21Male
writes: I am 21 and my girlfriend is 18. We have dated for almost 4 years and she just admitted to me that she cheated on me about 1 and a half years ago. I can't sleep at night and I am always thinking about it and getting frustrated about it. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Brother.. I just broke up a 11 year relationship. High school sweethearts. You're young allot to look in the future. If this is hurting you now, trust me you will never forget. I feel sorry for you if you have to face the same situation in the future.. leave her and move on. Yes she admitted it to you, but then again what happened between these 18 months did you make it so bad for her to admit it or she just came out and told you the truth. I know it happens to the best of us. Move on brother
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female
reader, wallynrah +, writes (25 October 2005):
Hi I have been in a similar position to your partner. After being with my partner for about 1 1/2 years we broke up and I started seeing someone, then my partner and I got back together. 3 and a half years on, he still raises this issue and can't let it go. It has caused huge issues within our relationship, to the point where he slept with my best friend. Even that though hasn't stopped the anger he has towards the issue. My advise to you is- whilst you may feel anger, frustration and a million other emotions regarding this issue (I know that these issues can truly make you feel sick to the very bottom of your stomach), you truly need to look at the bigger picture, understand why you are still with this person- could you let go if you wanted to? Don't punish her, and don't look at the what ifs. Advise from most people on these issues usually ends in "get rid of her"only you can make that decision. Remember what is done is done. I am sure that if she could she would take it back, try am remember what was happening at that time between the two of you, and most importantly look at your entire relationship, and then decide whether one moment and destroy the bond between you both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): Why did she tell you after so long? Usually people admit to cheating because they cant cope with the guilt theirselves. So now maybe she feels a weight off, while you feel awful. Ask her why she told you now...listen to what she says, then have some time to yourself to see whta you think about it, without her influences..if you are still upset then give yourself more time...eventually you will know what to do for the best for you. Good luck
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female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (24 October 2005):
You should move on. If she cheated on you then you obviously isn't happy being with you. It's her loss, not yours!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 October 2005):
 First and foremost, I think you need to decide whether you can live with what she has done and whether you can forgive her. It won't be easy (or even possible) to forget but do you love your girlfriend enough and is your relationship good enough for you to be able to forgive her?
Although her behaviour isn't excusable, you are both very young and she was very young when she did what she did.
How about now? Can you trust her? Do you feel there is any chance that she would do it again? It would be a very good idea to sit down and talk with her about trust issues and finding out if she is happy with you. If you want to remain with her and you are able to trust her, you are at least half way there in overcoming this problem.
It won't be easy to just stop thinking about what happened but the best way to deal with it is to think about now and the future. Think of all the things you want to do together, plan ahead. Sit down and explain how hurt you feel about what happened and the effect it is having on you which is one way of venting your frustrations on the subject.
If you feel you can trust your girlfriend and that you have a future together, then look forward and everytime you find yourself thinking about what she did, remind yourself of what you have together, ask her for reassurance, plan your future and together, move on.
I hope this helps.
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female
reader, not again +, writes (24 October 2005):
Hello! Sorry to hear about your situation. A similar situation was posted up a few weeks ago, and I think this advice will help you too. :) I guess there are two things here. 1) do you want to stay with someone who has cheated on you and hurt you and could do it again? and 2) if you do stay with her (which it sounds like you will because you obviously care about her a lot) then how are you going to trust her and deal with your anger.
Cheating is one thing, but if she was really sorry would she still be texting that guy? I don't think so. I think you should definetly say to her that that is NOT ok. She should be having no contact with that guy!! If you carry on with her then you need to have a talk to her and say that you are really committed to making this work, but ask her if there is any doubt that she might be unfaithful to you again then she has to tell you so that you can work out whether you stay with her. I guess the biggest risk is that you keep going out with her and she would hurt you again, aye? Some say once a cheater always a cheater, I spose you have to make your own decision on that one.
Now for the anger/ lack of sleep. I can sympathise with that. When I got cheated on I would lie in bed and it would go round and round my head and I would get so angry!!! There are three things I suggest, and do these all privately- this is your own journey in getting skills to deal with hurt (we've all been there!!) Ok, so when you find yourself dwelling on it and thinking about it too much you need to consciously change your thoughts. Just say to yourself- I've thought about this enough and i'm gonna think about soemthing else. Then think about something positive like something you've achieved or all the blessings you have in your life. It sounds cheesey but it's important to "train" yourself to think different thoughts. Another thing you should do i writing. Get a blank journal and just write and write and write!! let everything come out, don't censor what you write, and don't stop writing. You might cry and you might get angry but just write and rite and write. Afterwards you mught want to burn what you write and as you watch the smoke go up you can watch your problems go with it. again, i know it sounds kinda wacky but freestyle writing is very good for you, and you start writing stuff that you didnt quite know that you thought- its very clarifying. And thirdly it is important that you physically release your anger cos otherwise it will build up inside you. Go to a beach or a park or somewhere by yourself where no one is around (I'm from NZ so it is easy for me to find somewhere isolated, I don't know about you) and get physical! Scream if you have to. Throw rocks and stones into the water or grass with all your might and yell at the same time. Get old plates and smash them or scream into a pillow! You need to let out what you're feeling or it will eat away at you- and thats not fair on you or your body.
I hope this helps :-).
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female
reader, miss molly +, writes (24 October 2005):
The fact that you can't sleep at night, and that you are always thinking about means, that you haven't dealt with it. Depending on the type of relationship you have, you either forgive and forget, or over time you just get more and more angry about it, to a point where you will begin to hate her. Unfortunantly relationships are built on trust, and without that, there shouldn't be a relationship. You need to decide honestly whether or not you trust her. If you are going to question her everytime she goes out, or lay awake waiting for her then there is no trust. in that case i would say end it now, and save you and her both a lot of heartache.
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