A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure how to react to all of this. I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for 2 years. We have lived together for over a year now. He has been a great guy and I never suspected he would cheat on me or betray me. I was married for 13 years and my husband died. It was hard enough to date, but then I came across this man who has been wonderful to me and my sons. This morning I was on his ipad checking the weather and went into his history to get him back to the page he was on..but I noticed match.com---several times last evening he was on the site and actually checking out profiles. I even noticed he had a profile so I checked it out. I confronted him and was obviously very upset. He told me the profile was created before we met (which I knew that because we had discussed that, but I assumed it was no longer active). He swears he only looked at it the same was he browses craiglist but had no intention of doing anything. He swears he loves me, he cried, deleted his profile, feels awful....but I still feel betrayed and not sure what to believe. I gave him the option to go free and clear. I told him maybe he needs to try to date and see if we are right, but he says he doesn't want to..he swears...uggggg I just feel wronged. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): Hi, this happened to me too! I used his laptop in a cafe on the way to a holiday - he was sitting right next to me, I didn't need to do any checking, soulmates came up as one of his most visited pages - and a still open window!!He said he didn't have an active profile, and it was no different to looking at women through a bar window. I disagreed, but accepted his idea. A couple of months later I was browsing the site myself, because of a gut feeling. I found his very full profile with about 20 photos of him doing all kinds of interesting activities, plus full description of requirements etc. I was gutted and I dumped him.We met up as friends a year later and he was coming on to me again, but I know I don't want to be with this kind of man, despite his good qualities, so I keep it light now.Personally, I'd advise you to dump him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): If he remains in your life, you'll always just so happen to be innocently looking through his online history to see if he has been up to something.
Like so many women who submit posts on the site, they go snooping and (just by coincidence) find something.
You will always be suspicious from now on. He will become craftier at hiding things from you. Men do go on sites, and they do look at faces, and read profiles. It satisfies a curiosity. Some go farther; but that depends on whether he is happy within his existing relationship or not.
Does he still pay for the services for access to chat; or just look at the pretty pictures?
Red-flag.
Men happy in their relationships don't cheat. They have no reason.
Cheaters actually cheat. They don't need to leave evidence (on the computer or otherwise) behind unless they want to get caught for a cheesy thrill; or savor the drama.
Men know you snoop through our things. Some hope you find it.
If you find no evidence of cheating, then either he is really good at covering his tracks...or...he isn't cheating.
Keep looking, maybe you'll find something else to feed your insecurity and eat away the trust you have in your mate.
Thus your relationship slowly and surely deteriorates.
If the only solution you have is bitching and nagging. Here's a better one. Leave him.
Instead of spending whatever time you have left together being suspicious and insecure; end it.
Is a relationship truly a woman who doesn't trust men, and a man who is always cheating behind her back? She suffers innocently, always the victim, and silently smitten in betrayal. Destroyed by "his" infidelity.
Ever tried to do a little introspection to see what might be wrong on your end? Point one finger, three point back.
It's always the guy's fault, right???
Ending it will remove the anxiety of wondering what he is up to, and he will be free to do whatever you suspect him of doing.
If you don't know how to fix it, throw it away! You can't keep him away from other women, if that's what he wants.
He was most likely just cruising profiles and looking back on his old days being single. Guys do that. We wonder what things would be like, if we were single again. It doesn't mean we don't love you, or that we are going to cheat. You can scroll through profiles; but you can't message unless you pay.
The feeling of freedom and less responsibility revisits from time to time. Especially when there is tension in a relationship; or too many unresolved issues that no one knows how to approach. Even worse, no clue how to resolve them.
Sometimes relationships get clingy and boring. People don't know how to discuss things without an argument. They don't know how to communicate. They just put up with each other; instead of facing and resolving recurring problems that interfere with the natural flow of their relationship.
They get caught in a rut, and pretend to be content.
Sometimes men feel trapped. Always telling her what she needs/wants to hear. Listening to her whining and complaining about this and that. Not knowing what to say or do about it. No "me-time" to do the things he wants to do. So he finds a means of escape. It may not look so innocent to her.
Let the insecure jump on the band wagon, and say how men are not to be trusted; and snooping is always justified.
Men are never happy with whom they're with, and cheating is always on his mind. So women must always beware and be vigilant for signs he may be cheating. All men are dogs!!!
How about discussing problems you suspect could lead to cheating? Why is cheating the worst thing that can happen?
How about educating yourself on the skill of effective communication with a mate, and sharing what you've learned?
For me, I'd like to know when I'm doing anything to make someone unhappy. If there is something too hard to discuss with me? Am I too clingy? Is there something new you'd like me to do sexually? Have any fresh ideas? Has the thought to be with someone else ever crossed your mind? Tell me why?
Then, I will shut my pie-hole and LISTEN. I will absorb what I've heard, and process the information. I will also make sure no one leaves the room without their say. Then we will hold each other and reassure each other that love will help us endure all we have discussed.
Or, I will kick that sucker so far to the curb; his ears will ring the rest of the year. This act would be justified by solid evidence. Not suspicion and accusation. Even in a court of law, the accused has a right to his own defense, and to face his accuser(s).
I will not hold on to a damaged person, thinking I can nag him into changing. Your love will not change an A-hole into a loving boyfriend, or husband. He has to change himself.
On the other-hand; women go to other women and complain.
They listen to the insecurities and suspicions of other women and somehow project, and inject, what they hear into their own relationships. They always assume he must be cheating; but never venture to find out WHY? Why should he?
NO! CHEATING ON WOMEN (OR YOUR MALE PARTNER) IS NOT A BUILT-IN INSTINCT NATURE WIRED INTO ALL MALES. ANYONE IS CAPABLE. YOU NEED A FEMALE OR MALE CO-CONSPIRATOR.
There is a reason for all behaviors. Good and bad. You seek answers to resolve the bad behavior. Not just a way to punish someone for it. Unresolved problems live on forever.
I've read dozens of books on the dynamics of relationships. I've yet to find one that confirms there is such thing as a perfect relationship. Most of the problems are due to a lack of trust, insecurity, control issues, and the biggest one...LACK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.
What is there to talk about when you are tried and convicted? If you are sentenced to a life of snooping, suspicion, insecurity, and anger. He has to wear a blindfold, and never look at another woman to prove fidelity.
The thing to do is to either work it out and rebuild trust, or to grow the stones to end it. Move on to a situation where you are happy and comfortable. Where trust flows both ways.
If you have trust issues; that's your problem, not his. You have to get to the bottom of your own problem; not punish your mate, because you don't know how to deal with your own psychological issues and insecurities.
A new man is not placed in your life to absorb all your unresolved problems with the men before him. He is not your whipping post or punching bag.
If you're broken, get fixed. Don't drag your baggage into yet another relationship.
You'll die a cynical unhappy old hag. Or, you'll drive a good man to an early grave. I've seen it happen.
Don't settle down, until you are secure in a compatible relationship. One having trust as a solid foundation. As a couple, you must know how to open up, and teach each other what you need. He doesn't keep secrets; because he knows you are both capable of handling the truth. You are both equipped to live independently and together.
You treat him according to what you actually know about him, not what you suspect. If you have a truly negative opinion of men; it may be better to be a lesbian. I'm gay, but I still love women. I'm always on your side.
I read dozens, if not hundreds, of posts of "how I caught my bf doing such and such." Gay men share your grief.
Don't suffer the insecurity. Don't sit in a nest of thorns. Get out, or learn how to get to the bottom of issues that creates unwanted behavior in your mate. Try talking to him calmly without yelling and accusations. If that is your only method/style of communication, we've uncovered one problem.
If he has cheated in the past; and he was forgiven, then don't forgive him if you can't trust him. Dump him.
If you can't effectively discuss problems as a loving couple; then hell with suspicion and finger-pointing. Collect your dignity and leave the jerk.
People do forget to delete old sites. Then they do get curious and go back; and see who may still be on them. Sometimes you see people you know. Sometimes you catch your mate out there.
He may even be looking for you!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2013):
 Personally, I think signing up and browsing dating sites is something SINGLE should do, not people who are in committed relationship. I don't go test drive a car unless I'm in the market for a car, nor would I get pregnant JUST to see what it is like. Now CraigsList I can see people browsing for shits and grins, but Match is MADE for people to meet and (hopefully) have a long and happy relationship/marriage.
Since this profile was from BEFORE you two, I would actually cut him some slack. He deleted it.. even if.. he HAD to be prompted to do so (by being caught).
Maybe this is the PERFECT reason for the two of you to talk about what is OK in the relationship and what are no-no's.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): I'd be very upset. He may of had the site prior to you, but how long did he pay for it? Did he renew it since living with you. I don't understand why he kept it active if he knew it was out there.
It is one thing to look and check out sites, but keeping an active dating site while living with someone is wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): I have been in your situation. I was using his laptop, I went to history to look at my browsing but I saw that he has been on different dating sites. I did not confront him.Few months later, for some reason (my gut feeling was telling me to check it) I looked at his history and this time I saw his communications with ladies and exchange of phone numbers.I asked if he had a facebook account, he said 'no'. but I found him, made up a fake account, contacted him, arranged to meet him, guess what he turned up to meet the fake woman I made up.I am not with him now, I am not stressed any more, if I am not enough or good enough for him he should have been honest with me and leave instead of meeting up and checking out other ladies, I do not need this behaviour and stress.While I was going through the doubt I contact elderwisdom.org and they told me to leave him but I did not listen till I set him up.I cannot tell you what to do, I am afraid I would ask you; do you have a profile on dating sites, do you check out other men? If you say no, I would say do not settle for someone who think grass is greener on the other site. It is your life, some can handle it some cannot, I could not. I am afraid I do not believe someone will only have an active account for no reason.I was madly in love with this guy and I left 2 years ago, we have had a couple of emails exchanged since the break up, but I only want to remain amicable and nothing else.Guess what he is still single.Good luck to you but please trust your woman initiative.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 July 2013):
 Personally I see no legitimate reason why one would have an ‘active’ profile when they’re living with someone. What does it matter when it was created; it was active and he is actively participating!? It’s just another sign of the times; some have nothing better to do than to browse. Pity his intentions didn’t find the time to delete his profile ‘before’ being confronted!?If he has another itch to scratch then he is best to confess and be on his way, as anyone can delete their profile and remake another one, and as for Craigslist; I’m not sure what he was after, unless he’s browsing at buying Hardware instead of the Personal column. If he has curiosity, let it be in some other subjects that don’t create doubt or betrayal!?For me this would bring a dull cloud of suspicion over him… I say ‘dull’ and not a dark cloud as he has yet to prove himself trustworthy again… I believe while these hiccups are disappointing, they can be overcome.Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (8 July 2013):
Personally, I know a lot of people (myself included) who look at profiles on sites like that just for interests sake. It's not that there's any level of romantic interest involved- it's just interesting to see the different people that put up their profiles. I honestly don't think that you have anything to worry about, as he felt guilty over it and did delete his profile. If he doesn't do it again because you're uncomfortable with it, then you shouldn't worry a bit- it seems like he's being considerate towards your feelings by deleting his page. As long as he knows how you feel about it, it's alright. I feel as if you shouldn't worry over this.
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