A
female
age
36-40,
2dareANDdream
writes:That night I could not sleep, I had every emotion going through me. Emotions of fear,anxiety, and anticipation corralled into a single moment of the imminent birth of the child that I carried in my womb for these many countless months. I feared the pain that was about to come. When 4:00 a.m. came around I got out of my bed and got ready to leave. My best friend and I got into the car and headed to the hospital. The drive was long and dark. No cars in sight and the houses only lite buy the moon. When we arrived at our destination we parked close although the walk seemed far. We approached the glass sliding doors and the nurses welcomed me in. We arrived to my room. I changed clothes and got into the bed and the pain began to hit me. A flourishment of physical and emotional pain coincided with my fears of bearing this inevitable bundle of joy, seemed so minuscule but yet audacious at the same time. Out of the mixed feelings the emotional strain was the strongest. I was about to give birth to a life that I had been blessed to give, and the joy of motherhood that would soon to come. However, I was not the only mother that would be blessed with this gift of heaven's joy. After the physical pain subsided, I looked down at the creation God had blessed me with. I could do nothing but shed a tear for the joy that followed.At 10:57 am on Tuesday, I had a perfect 7 pound 14 oz, 20 inch baby girl with ten fingers, ten toes and head full of fuzzy red hair along with bright blue eyes. I had the option to either spend 48 hours with her, or I could leave her in the nursery and go home the next day.I spent every minute with my daughter. When the last night came around the corner, I cried every time I looked up at the clock wishing I could freeze time. I told my daughter " I will spend the next 13 hours with you and not let you leave my side". I kept my word. and as time went on our time together got shorter and shorter. Til I noticed I had only two hours left to hold, spend time with and to be her mother. I sang I got sunshine to her while she fell asleep in my arms for the last time. My time with her was to its end. I had to get her ready to start her new life with her new family. July 31st at 10 45 AM the call that I had been dreading happened. The lawyer was on the other end.The two witness came in my room and the adoptive family was in the waiting room. Everything started to happen. I began to feel the pain again. The pain I had to try forget about and block out. Then it was the last sheet of paper.. The lawyer said "Is this what u want?Once u sign this paper there is no turning back." I told her "yes" tears streaming down my face I found myself holding onto my daughter so tightly as though she would not leave me. I got sick to my stomach, I felt as though I could not breath. I looked down at my daughter who was in my arms I told her I loved her and kissed her little head. Then at 11:25 July 31st I signed my name I signed the finale paper taking away any rights I had toward daughter meaning she no longer belonged to me. It didn't seem right just words on paper taking away my rights a mother to her.After the signing of my rights I asked to be alone with little child. As the witness walked away I spoke to them, asking for the carseat witch was with the adoptive parents in the waiting room. After a few moments I heard a knock at the door I sadly spoke " come in" The witness put the carseat on the bed they walked out once more.I began to fed my daughter our last feeding together! Got her brand new outfit it was light pink with lace. I put it on her fragile little body. I called the nurse requesting she tell the adoptive family I was ready for them.I heard a gentle knock at the door they both approached me. I fell to my knees and began sobbing. The mother got on her knees and pulled me close to her I could feel her tears raining on my shoulders as she felt the pain I did. I stood up and looked at my daughter once more, so warm and cuddly in her carseat I looked at her kissed her then I stood back and told them to leave.They asked me if I was ok. I said "Please leave," and i watched them walk out with my daughter in their hands. Then she was gone. I felt alone I felt as though not a soul could comfort me, no words of passion could heal me. No laughter was possible. I approached the window overlooking the parking lot and the yard of green. I packed my things walking to the door to lead me out of the only room I spent with my child. I took one more glance to make sure I had not forgotten anything of importance. I headed down the long halls of pail white walls and empty chairs. In a room close to mine, I could hear the voices of a happy couple that had been blessed with a child. It was hard to hear the happiness in there voices and laughter. I walked passed as though not to hear. I approached those glass doors which I entered with such dread. The sun was out bright and shinning with glee as though the world did not care for my pain.My father drove up tears still streaming down my face. My oldest daughter had seen me walking toward the truck and opened the door and ran to me. She had such a smile of joy. I got on my knees and held her close to me. I found my tears had dried and a smile was found upon my face. When I looked at her face and I told her I loved her, I then came to realize I love both of my daughter and had to make the hardest choice for both of them. Adoption is a act of love toward your child. The ultimate sacrifice and act of unselfishness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Yes, you are a brave and courageous woman! My heart goes out to you. You have done a very loving and unselfish thing. I realize that the pain will be with you always.
You did what you knew was best for the child and you are to be applauded for you bravery.
Hopefully someday in the future you will be reunited with your child and she will understand what a loving decision you made!
Good Luck and God Bless!
A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Speechless..........
I'm with *Angle*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Omg..... I cried my eyes out reading this! Its so sad.... you are such a strong person!!!
And for that I admire you.
All the best xx =]
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