A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I never left him, everytime I do it just falls apart but I have changed . I was right of being suspicious about the other woman.He plays away, he has sexual affairs yet he tells me I am the only one he loves blah blah blah.. I know him well looking at our relationship of the 9 years we have been dating.. he has also has a another female friend for 6 years alongside. He says they are only friends. I tried to approach her and she is very agressive. In fact lots of people he associates with seem to treat me like dirt and I just didnot understand why. I think I know why now and I am really hurt. I resorted to a bit of hacking and recording and this is what I found out. He talks to me in a loving voice on the phone for hours, here is a typical example.. I try to call him, and by the time I reach him it is almost 2250, he says Im just about to go and have a shower; so I say off you go, then sweet dreams I love you.. but no he wants to stay on the phone. We talked for 35 mins. I keep telling him it is getting late, he needs to get him self ready for bed etc.. work tomorrow. etc etc He finally lets me go. I genuinely love him; I love talking to him but we both have our own life and commitments and living apart was something that in the end I simply accepted. He was certainly not ready for commitment and I doubted his true love but we stayed an item. I am the in the public eye elegant female he struts about with and the other woman he talks to a lot and constantly has sex and swinging parties with. I cant change him, we are not married so all I can do is accept and wonder. I feel hurt though as I now know what he is doing.. last night after this "loving" phonecall, he got straight on the phone to the other woman. (who is now calling my landline constantly and then hanging up)This is the gist of it. I called him and he wanted to have a shower , I kept him up for hours, He doesnot give a damn about me anymore and he was f;ing and swearing about me, everything he said about me was a total lie and it wasnot as it was. This woman seems to be his sounding board, everything I do or say he tells her, they ridicule me and she is sort of supporting him being his best friend.I am so sad because not only have I got no privacy, I asked him not to tell her anything about us and our love, I asked him to promise me which he did. What a laugh he broke it within hours. More to the point he totally twists my character to make himself look good. I have been doing some reading and I know that I am in an absolute nightmare of a relationship. I have been trying to prepare myself that it simply is no good and I have got to go and then when I make moves he becomes prince charming.. except this time I armed myself with more information.. Before I move all my things out going to ask you all what do you think. Why is he nice to me, and then slags me off to the other woman.. He swears he loves me, its not the first time I hacked a few things and he knows I do at times. Why does he want me in his life when he acts like that, I cant talk to him anymore, the other woman is there all the time in the background ready for him to call. He has by now played of several women against me and I am so tired. I just want to move on but I also want to understand why he is doing this..I read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it matches by 99% i.e. leaving someone with NPD etc etc all the signs are there. He has totally destroyed my confidence in anybody. Why does he do this? Going to meet him to proof to him that the other woman is calling my landline, but it wont make much difference. He will simply foulmouth and will use her as a buffer for his frustrations and to make him feel good. When we are together sex is very low almost nothing but he wants my love, the hugs the cuddles the back rubs etc.. I am his relaxing partner, someone he struts about with like... look what I have got and then to this other woman I am the psycho out of hell.Why is he doing this? I dont understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, look at the dates, I am ok, and even better I had to find my own closure, he just wouldnot give me a closure. To this day he is trying to maintain a friendship but he has blackened me, with lies , I lost any friends I made in his area because of his lies. He is with the woman that I found him in bed with they are pretending to be a happy couple, but if he was why is he still looking for extra sex on the sides of other women? because he needs to control them.. I started doing things alone, didnot try to find someone new just tried to recover and I am. I watched the most beautiful fireworks on my own and I loved it. Day by day I am finding nice things to do. and I also met someone that is declaring his love for me. Sadly I am not ready for love I find it hard to trust but I havent turned my back on it. A Narcissist one that cheats and lies non stop, is the worst thing any man or woman can encounter. For thos that are reading this.. 13 years of sadness. I am taking from it the happy days the laughter and I will stay friends with this man but my heart is no longer his. I am free. After the fireworks I knocked on his door, we talked and I left we hugged. I felt nothing no sadness no love not even sad. I felt contempt as he was still lying to me about things and I felt sorry for him and the new woman but my heart is mine again. I am free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts been a difficult month.. but So many years later, he just wouldnot let me walk, so here I am but this time is different after 13 years in total of being a couple with so many upsets.. I forgave and forgave and each time I tried to leave and his silver tongue won. This time its different. Also I know now for certain that he is a narcissist and as such I learned to accept what and why. HE finally dumped me cowardly via a phonecall as I would not accept that it was all my fault, I pointed the finger at him over and over and would not back off. After me finding him in OUR bed at home with another woman, he said he loves her now. I forgave and tried to work on our relationship but he is so in love he doesnot give one iota about me. The good thing.... it was him that ended it. Bad for me, for all the years I wasted but in my heart I know I have done everything right, I may be a little sneaky so and so and use every trick in the book to gather information but I never hurt any one, apart from myself. I can walk with my head up high and know that the next woman will be his victim but it isnot me anymore. She knew we were a couple yet she still accepted him so she deserves all she can get from him it will take years for her to know he is a narcissist, no point warning her, she is 65 years old she should have known better plus she would never believe me.I am slowly moving on now, he still sms's me even telling me he loves me still but I have a life to live and I have been walking away now for two months. wish me luck! No wish me strength!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYears later.. thank you you were all spot on.. its been a hard struggle slowly taking my emotions away from him till I felt I could stand on my own two feet.. from a pussycat I have become a banshee.. with arrows..
I dont have to look over my shoulder anymore.. in the end he fell down by himself by taking another woman into our home into our bed, only hours after I left. I thought I could live with some of his philandering... nah... not once he took it into what i consider the Homebase.. that was a month ago.. I stayed angry for a month and still am.. i guess this is it finally... wow 12 years.. of my life wasted but it wasnot all for nothing.. Since I read up about narcistic do I realised my eldest brother was one too. He ruined my mams life sadly she is gone now but not until he cleaned her out of her savings.. At least I will recognise the next bad egg and keep well away from it.
Thanks all it did help talking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried every way to leave him and I constantly failed. I have tried to enforce honesty of him, he lies and cheats. Yesterday I did a face confrontation with him and the other woman (one of the other women) They made a date, so I dropped in. He scurried of like a scared rat and left me to deal with her. Its not her fault that he is a cheating rat, I tried to explain and how I felt and what he was doing. I left him and he chased me down the road wanting my love basically he does not love her. Sigh, I asked him today if she had contacted him. He said No. I know different, I left nothing to coincidence. They discussed me, she stays his best mate and Apparently I'm not very brave, apparently he's not very worried if I moved out. 2timing so and so.I am leaving for Europe tomorrow, on my own for a hard earned biking holiday I had a GPRS/GPS tracker on the bike so for safety as I was traveling alone my bike was fully trackable.. he had access to it. Not anymore. I had sent him my full plans and routes.. I deleted the emails he has nothing. I have changed my sims and by God I shall not call him ever again. I will be hurting but nothing hurts more than a man that is so sick in the head. Sad thing is when I leave another woman will take my place and no one will believe to what extend he will completely ruin your life. I feel so sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you all for your replies, its a real struggle here, I started telling him how unhappy I am about my loss of privacy, how unhappy that he is nice to me and then slanging me off. etc..
and then I went quiet on him because somehow I thought I could get through to him that if he was like that he would lose me. It looks that I am going to lose him, today he said on the phone to the other woman.. "Well I left it pretty loose so if she goes, you and I can get together." That was him after 4 days knowing that I was considering leaving him, totally defeated.. nine years down the drain.. and I am hurting.
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reader, jitterbug  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Okay, I'm back.You asked "Why does he behave the way he does?Because he's an empty vessel completely lacking empathy and regard for your feelings.He needs to have a constant source of Narcissistic Supply..(NS).That'a partly why he seeks the attention of other women.He needs a continual feed for his ego.And what greater ego boost than having two or more women vying and fighting for his attention? Well, that must mean he's the supreme stud, right?? (insert eye-roll here)You said you're the public female he struts about with.N's treat the people in their lives like accesories.You're something he wears on his arm to make him look good.Like a pair of cufflinks, or a bracelet on a woman. The fact that you are a thinking, feeling, sentient being with a point of view of your own, is irrelevant to an N.You merely exist to enhance their public image.And the moment you realize that you're little more than a wind-up doll.........someone who's expected to sit politely on the shelf until needed, and you ask to have your feelings acknowledged,watch what happens. Watch very, very carefully......The masks slips. The glib, superficial charm that initially won you over disappears. Replaced by a nasty, cruel, vindictive, spiteful person who revels in causing you pain. Well, you deserve it, right? (note sarcasm) You actually had the audacity to question his perfection?You implied that your needs weren't being met? How dare you!!!!You see, by questioning or calling an N out on their behavior, you've essentially threatened their false self. The grandiose, better than everyone else self-image that they desperately cling to, because they absolutely cannot, will not acknowledge, their own faults and flaws.Often times they will project these flaws onto those around them, because they can't integrate that into their own self-image.A great example is the N cheater who accuses his/her spouse of infidelity, when he/she is actually the one cheating!!This is why those who actually get close to an N, or a sociopath,get treated the worst.The closer you get, the greater the risk of seeing past their mask. In their distorted,skewed view of reality, you are viewed as a tormentor, the moment you call any of their behavior into question.And they will retaliate............They will abuse you psychologically. They will: gaslight you,(insisting that your perception of problems is all in YOUR head) engage in crazy-making behavior(i.e. saying something incredibly hurtful to you, and denying that they ever said it, only moments later)(rewriting history to their benefit)turn the tables and blame shift...(it's YOUR fault I act this way, YOU drove me to this)engage in a smear campaign, trash talking you to anyone who'll listen, villifying you, and portraying themselves as the hapless victim....(that applies in your case, him discussing you with the OW)seek out your vulnerabilities, and use them against you(carefully calculated button-pushing)they will play people against each other (you and the OW)(that's very deliberate. Have you wondered how she got your phone number??)"Why is he doing this?".....you asked.Because he's broken.And that's all on him.There's nothing you can do. Unfortunately, Ns very rarely benefit from counselling or psychotherapy. How can a problem be addressed, when the N refuses to acknowledge that there even IS a problem??Dear, you need to start asking yourself tough questions.Do you want to continue being treated this way?Do you want to continue investing your time and energy into someone who doesn't want to commit?Who lies to you?Who badmouths you to other's in your absence?Who with- holds sex?(beacuse he's getting his ya-ya's elsewhere)Who undermines your self-esteem, and confidence?Who speaks honey to you one minute, then venom and vinegar,all in the same evening?Is this how you want to spend your life? no-one, but no-one deserves that kind of treatment.I wish you the very best.....please update on what you decide. Keep reading and educating yourself to see the signs. Google, "Narcissistic Abuse Recovery". I think it could help you tremendously.You CAN regain your power.
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reader, jitterbug +, writes (10 February 2010):
Oh goodness, you've got a nasty one.I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I've done extensive studying on NPD so there's a lot of insight I can share with you.
Unfortunately I'm super busy at the moment, but I will post to you again soon, when I've got time to give an in-depth response.So hang in there, hun.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
My Dad has narcissistic disorder, and it really does affect everyone around them. It's so exhausting and continually wrecks your esteem. It will date back to a particular moment in your husband's early childhood where mentally he became jealous of someone else or something else, believing he was effectively the most important person. And that has continued. In his head, he is the most important person and the world revolves around him. You don't matter, other women don't matter, co -workers don't matter. No one matters except him. You need to understand that it won't change. My mother tried for years to change my father and failed. She still lives with him, and is still in total misery. It's effectively learned selfishness with a hugely overinflated sense of importance. Th irony being that for the way he has treated you and everyone else makes him less that nothing. Genuinely, the best thing you can do is leave, because he has already sucked most of your life away. Don't let him have the rest.
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