A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I keep taking my boyfriend back time and time again after he cheats on me or hurts me, and I really don't know why. At first I took him back because I generally felt I was to blame. I'm saying it was my fault, but I did a few stupid things at the time. I was having trouble with my parents, and I was acting out. I spent more time at the pub with my mates then at home with him. When we decided to get back together, things seemed so much better. I thought everything was going really well, and we were trying for a baby for about 8 months when I found some texts on his phone which told me all I needed to know that he had been seeing her for at least a month. I forgave him, and we found out I was pregnant last Christmas. When we had our 3 month scan, we were told I had lost the baby. I was so heartbroken, I started acting out again. I saw the girl he had been seeing behind my back one night when I was drunk and we ended up fighting, she claimed that my boyfriend was still texting her, which made me fight with my boyfriend (who was also there). I decided to stay because I had been so distant from him, and he was hurting because of our miscarriage too. I thought we were finally getting things back on track recently, but he has started hiding his phone again. I don't want to check it, and I don't feel like I should, but this is how it always starts. I'm 19 weeks pregnant with our 2nd pregnancy, and I cant face anything going wrong, but I need to know why he is hiding his face. I cant bring myself to have sex with him or even kiss him, and he is started to act strange, like he knows something is wrong. I don't know what I should do, I mean I have taken him back 3 times already, and all of my family and friends think I'm stupid to have done so, but he has stood by me when I have had my mental health issues, I feel like I need to stay with him. I'm so confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): getting pregnant again was never going to be a good idea in this kind of unstable relationship. Since you cant change that, you can only learn not to repeat this mistake. You would be better off without him. Make sure you get professional help so that you can look after your mental health.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 WAKE UP CALL ALERT
Insecure, destructive, dysfunctional, and irresponsible comes to mind what I read here. Good luck with a cheating hubby and a baby on the way... with any luck he is straying again and you’ll finally get the message he’s not worth a shyte and have the courage to leave!
You need to take your problems and discuss them with your mental health therapist... But I guess you don’t have a therapist do you? It’s easier to prance around Pubs, get drunk, confront bitches, and still plan babies than to tell a BF who mistreats you to FO?
All you’re doing is postponing real happiness within you! How about you start trusting you!? This mental emotional roller coaster of hurt lies and cheating has caused you more harm, more mental-health distress... Like now you want to act as though you need him because he stood by you when you have had mental health issues… Listen to yourself and understand – HE CAUSED and is causing more of your issues!!!
Take Care - CAA
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2016):
 It is never your fault for someone else cheating. If he had a problem he should have spoke to you, if you refused to talk then he should have ended things not ran to the nearest girl with a skirt on. Am sorry but he is adding to your mental health issues not helping. At the moment you feel like you cannot live without him. You are willing for him to cheat on you and treat you like dirt so that you are not alone. You are scared. I get that. But he will never change. He does not respect you. He never will. If you want to live the rest off your life doubting him then carry on. But it will be miserable both for you and the innocent child in your belly. Also if you do have sex with him who is to say you have not caught an STI. I hope you got checked last time he cheated before you got pregnant. Am not sure how far he has to go before you say enough. But I hope for your sanity it is soon. You have a family and a child growing in you that needs you. Follow your head not your heart.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (22 November 2016):
I don't think you should blame yourself at all for all the times you two broke up and got back together. It isn't your fault at all. It is his fault for hurting you and cheating on you. I know it is hard to be a single mom but you need to think about the baby. Do you want him or her to grow up and think it is right for a spouse to cheat in him or her? It might be hard to raise the baby on your own but you can't stay in the unhealthy relationship at all when he is cheating on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2016):
 You need to rethink your priorities.
He should NOT be on the top of your list. YOUR baby and YOUR health SHOULD be the top ones.
You don't OWE him to stay with him is a relationship that is unhealthy and toxic because he supported you in the past, he also cheated on you and hurt you in the past, right? So there is no REAL reason that you HAVE to be with him.
Why on Earth (sorry to say this) you decided to get pregnant AGAIN by this fella is a little beyond me. He hasn't exactly shown you that he is committed to you or a future child, has he? But I guess that is all hindsight here. WHAT is important is for YOU to not add stress, anxiety, and worries about your pregnancy. This is a time you need to cut as much drama and stress out as possible - that might mean cut HIM out and cut him OFF. While he CAN go to scans with you and if you want, the birth I'd advise you to focus on the baby and your support net (family and friends) because THOSE are the people you will NEED once the baby is there, THOSE are the people who will BE there once the baby is there. Who knows if he will?
He will not magically change because he is going to be a father, especially if he really is as immature as you describe. And YOU can't change him either by loving him and by keep taking his crap and cheating. Don't "martyr" yourself to keep a guy. Why have such a miserable life all for a guy who isn't giving it his all?
LISTEN to your family and friends, they want what's best for you, and he isn't it.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (21 November 2016):
 Sorry hun but it sounds very much like he is adding to your mental issues. Clearly 3 times is not a charm, things are going from bad to worse. If you feel he is cheating and given the history he probably is. Taking him back over and over tells him he has nothing to fear by doing so. Cant change the fact that you have a baby on the way, what's done in that department is done and you cant rely on him being a father is going to change who he is-a cheater. What you need to stop doing is making excuses for him, instead work on finding a solution to moving on without him. Being a new mum comes with as much joy as it does stress and sometimes anxiety is this guy really worth all the hassle? Is your mental and emotional well being worth risking any further? What sort of partner would you want for your child if it is a girl and what words of wisdom would you like to tell her if she were you? Listen to yourself, you know your deserve better and if you don't I think it wise that you listen to all of your support network who do.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2016):
 First off, you do not *need* to stay with him. He may not have done it to you (or not intentionally), but you're *controlling* yourself by making you think you owe him you staying. You don't.
Secondly, if this relationship has any chance, you need to get couples therapy asap - preferably before the baby arrives because that will be a whirlwind of its own.
Thirdly, I think you should try living apart. Yes, he's the father of your baby, but that's not a reason to stay in a toxic relationship. Try dating from the beginning; my guess is you always reunited as though nothing had happened, rather than dealing with the issues and starting fresh, not trying for a baby soon after.
Lastly, take control of your life aside from him - get family onboard, sort out your support system without him and potentially move in with family to help you because you are very likely to be a single mum.
You need to come to terms with the fact that relationships that are meant to be don't have all of these issues and break ups. Therefore, it will probably be best you break up for good and just get legal custody and child support sorted out, but try the couples counselling first, if you want. Put your child before your imagined need for this guy.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 November 2016):
 Why do you need to stay with someone?
Someone that's cheated on you and you suspect him of currently being up to something dodgy again. What reason could you have that could make you NEED to stay with him?
Listen to your friends and family, you two clearly aren't a good match for each other. Successful relationships don't put each other through things like this.
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