A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've recently taken custody of my younger brother because of my mums mental health problems but I'm finding it really difficult. We're constantly arguing over things like his his homework and he just keeps saying that I've changed and that I'm being horrible to him. We never used to argue but its taken a turn for the worst. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (11 July 2011):
It does not surprise me that you are finding it really difficult having taken custody of your younger brother. Firstly you are very young to take on the responsibility of raising a teenager (it would be useful to know how old he is by the way) - most parents have years to figure it out while their children are growing, and even then most don't know how to get it right. Additionally, you are having to take on a different role with your brother, one that he does not naturally see you in even though you are his older sister, and it is natural for him to react to that. You used to just be his sister, he had equal standing, now you are his guardian, which is a role of superiority. As much as he is surely grateful for you taking on that role, part of him will naturally resent it and rebel against you taking that position with him. A lot of this reaction is unconscious. It puts you in a difficult position.
There are two things which will help. The first if you can is for you to start to learn how to properly listen to him. You probably don't know how to really listen to him when he is upset, or angry, because you probably feel like you have to fix things or do something to make things ok because that is your role now. It is especially hard if he is angry or upset with you, it is so natural to react and talk back at him. Learning how to listen without reacting would be very useful. Also, do let him know how you feel about things, the things you are finding difficult, the things you worry about, the things that he does that are good that make it easier for you, or help you take the pressure off. Let him know wher you stand too.
The other thing which would be useful would be give him a sense of having power, control and responsibility over his own life as much as possible. This is also difficult because you have to take responsibility for his wellbeing and have to tell him what to do in many instances, but there are ways for you to do it. For example, lets say each day he has to do one household task like washing up after dinner, and he has to do his homework. Instead of telling him what he has to do and when he has to do it, try giving him choices. In other words, ask him "do you want to wash the dishes tonight or vacume the carpets?" Ask him "You need an hour to do your homework, do you want to do it between 6-7pm or 8-9pm?" Things like that will make a difference. It won't work perfectly, he will still fight with you from time to time, that is normal, but doing little things to let him choose and control his life will be helpful. Be an ally to him rather than his boss as much as you can, like you are in it together.
Lastly, ask for help in managing your lives. Ask other family members and friends to help in ways that you can think of. Use your resources. We are not designed to do it alone, in isolation, and you might find help from unexpected places.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 I don't think he's used to looking up to his sister. He'll get used to it. He's still young and growing up. It is expected when something like this happens.
Try sitting down and talking to him about it. You're obviously trying very hard to take care of him and he has to understand that. Try to talk to him and find out what you can do to make things a little easier for him to adjust without sacrificing his progress in school or in general life.
This change has been recent hasn't it? Give it time and eventually he'll come around.
I hope that helps.
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