A
male
age
51-59,
*illydog
writes:I have been with my partner for over 19 years. At the moment I am very confused. Our dog passed away unexpectedly a month ago which has had a massive impact on me. I truly belive he represented a child to us and help the relationship together.Currently I am off work with acute stress and on medication from my doctor. We had our civil partnership just over a year ago. I think my partner saw it as a huge declaration of our commitment but I saw it as a legality that finalised financial matters. I dont know when my feelings changed but for sometime I have though of my partenr as a relation rather than my lover. We haven't slept together for months. I truly care about his happiness but I feel the situation makes us both miserable and he refuses to acknowledge the problem or talk about it. He has been very caring while Ive been unwell, as I know I would be if the situation was reversed. I met a guy on-line two months after our civil partnership. I fell for him instantly. We have met but I think we are both too caught up in our lives to move anything forward. Since we stopped communicating my life just seems empty. Financially my partner and I are ok, our mortgage will be paid off in a couple of years and the thought of leaving seems unrealistic at my age.I have never lived alone and that prospect scares me to death. Any advice would be appreciated.I feel like Im in meltdown and don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, FeelTooMuch  +, writes (5 September 2010):
Please fight to save what you have. 19 years? That's such an encouragement to me! I didn't think people could make it that long, espeically gay couples (I'm gay). There is so much pressure on gay relationships that can break them, and I just assumed it would be impossible for one to make it that far.
I really don't know all of your circumstances (e.g. why you no longer sleep together), but 19 years is not something you want to give away. I beg you to find a way to get your partner to see that what is happening is serious - he has to talk about it. Either he talks about it, or this gets worse to the point that what you have enjoyed for 19 years will dissipate.
I really hope you can both work this out!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 August 2010):
Hi there. Perhaps what has stopped happening is good communication. Maybe the only times you talk you argue or criticise.
Even if you don't argue with or criticise each other, it might be that you have stopped doing nice things for each other and showing how much you both care for each other. You can get to a point over time, where you begin to take each other for granted. Hence the feeling of being like brother and sister.
Over time, you might have let your appearance slide a bit and being and dressing sloppy etc. We all do it, it gets to be really comfortable and sometimes to the point where we stop noticing each other.
Also life gets boring if our individual lives are boring. There needs to be fun and frivolity on a regular basis. Hobbies, interests, and keeping in touch with our friends - these all help, definitely. And most of all, Life needs to have purpose. There needs to be a reason for us to get out of bed every morning and start our day.
The more interesting you make your lives, the more interesting you both become. And the more interested in life you will both be.
Good luck and best wishes to you both.
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