A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just split up wit a lad iv been sleeping with for the past few months, we werent seeing each other, cos he has a girlfriend, i no its wrong but i cudnt help it.we admitted we were falling for each other and after a couple of weeks of tryin to break it off, its finally happened.im devastated even thou it was me that sed we shud end it, i new he was never mine and cud never b mine, i new there was no chance of him leaving his girlfriend. so y did i fall for him????how do i get over this, i went with him to get over another ex, now i fear im gona hav to do the same thing to get over him, its turning into a vicious circle.someone please help, i no i deserve it but im really hurting, i just wanna b with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Unfortunately this is what happens when you mess around with someone who is taken, somebody always gets hurt and usually its the poor unsuspecting partner of the cheat. Call me cruel but i believe what goes around comes around, you play with fire you get your fingers burnt. He was never yours to have and if he had a decent bone in his body he'd of left his girlfriend before embarking on a relationship with you. If you think the pain you are feeling is bad just imagine the pain his girlfriend is going to go through when she finds out what the two of you have been up to behind her back. Sorry if i seem harsh but i have no sympathy for people who mess around with people who are taken
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): The reason you are in so much pain is that you are using sex to numb your feelings about yourself and your relationshps, otherwise you wouldn't have started sleeping with someone who did not offer you a real relationship, this is never a good deal for the woman, and always a good deal for the man-- no strings sex.
Women are wired differently, we bond with the men we are sleeping with. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to not use sex or other males to get over a break up. It is best to stay single for awhile, even avoid dating until you feel better about yourself and what happened with your break up. Date men, do not sleep around. To find a healthy relationship, a quality guy will secretly hope that you will make him wait for sex for at least the first few months! If he really loves you, he will be happy to just be in your company and getting to know you, this forces him to focus on the non-sexual aspects of the relationship and what he loves about you.
Having a strong bond of friendship and some deeper feelings in place before you start having sex is the way to a successful relationship, if you try to speed things up by being intimate sexually right off the bat, you won't be thought of as the one, by the guy....you will seem common and ordinary to him, as he probably has more girls wanting to sleep with him casually than not.
Hope you feel better soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Hey hun. Just done the same myself with a girl i have been havin an affair with for 6 months. Thats long enough for her to get to know me. Its caused us both a great deal of pain fallin out makin up but also there was most def something there. She knew i wanted more but while she had us both she didnt need to decide! I have got fed up so text her sayin we carnt carry on like this and now its up to her. Yes it hurts but not as much as been in the situation! I feel a weight has been lifted cos i have done the right thing. She will now either try to continue affair which i wont let happen unless things change. Ditch him cos if she is cheatin she aint happy. Or continue in her unhappy relationship. Break off all contact and leave it open to him if hes prepared to do the right thing if you could poss see it working in the future so its on his head and he has to decide for himself. Your right you shouldent have done it, i shouldnt but if he feels the same he will come back but dont be the other woman you are worth more than that and if you are to him he will do something about it, if not he is not worth the effort. Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 October 2007):
 This is what happens when you go out with someone to get over someone else. Effectively this is called the rebound, and it has certainly re-bounded on you in a big way. You knew it was wrong to be sleeping with him in the first place as he had a parner, and if he ever did leave her for you the likellhood is he would have cheated on you also. Ok so you are hurting at the moment, in time the pain will diminish and things will get easier, time is the healer of all things. Treat this chapter in your life as as learning curve, in future give yourself enough time to get over relationships, and don't go with guys who have already got girlfriends. Ok so pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on with your life.
All the best & good luck x
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A
female
reader, JackieR +, writes (6 October 2007):
 Please don't go with another man just to get over your lover, this will only make things worse and you will just fall for another prat!!
You have got to start to feel good about yourself without seeking approval that your worthwhile from another man, if you don't you will attract yet another loser who will use you, is that what you want???
I don't understand that if you two were falling for each other, then why did you finish???? Surely if he thought the world of you and couldn't live without you (i imagine this is what he told you) then he would have found away to break up with his g/friend!!! Can you see what i am trying to say??
The only way to get over this is to see the situation for what it was, he was using you!! so take the rose tinted glasses off, stop seeing him as the love of your life, cause he wasn't, and start living your life, feeling more worthwhile, liking yourself for yourself and stop falling for dickheads, then and only then will you feel a hell of a lot better and in more control of your life!!
Good luck.
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