A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am looking for quick advice about a problem with my boyfriend, I don't know what to do, I've said something to him that i regret and now he isn't speaking to me. I have had intimacy problems with my boyfriend because he is on medication which has lowered his libido. Last night he promised me that we would have sex late on, when it got to late on and I started kissing him, he told me he isn't in the mood and that he's feeling miserable about work and work is on his mind at the moment, as sympathetic as I was I told him not to let work bother him so much, but he turned around and said that all I'm bothered about is 'getting laid tonight' and I am not bothered about his problems at all. I told him that I'm always here for him and I always listen to him but he said we would get intimate and I have needs too and that's why I wanted to get intimate and I don't just want him for sex. He turned around to me and said "go find someone who will have sex with you then!" He said this a couple of times with me replying with "no I don't want to do that I want a relationship" but a bit further in the argument it lead me to say something that he has completely fallen out with me for - "if I wanted to go out and have sex with someone, I could but I don't want to do that because I want a relationship with you, I love you and I want intimacy with you" - He thinks that is the coldest thing I have ever said to him and has told me that I've ripped his heart out. I'm worried because he was making out that it's over and wouldn't let me go near him. I feel he has taken it the wrong way what I said, he kept on telling me to go find someone who will have sex with me so I say to him that I do have that choice if I wanted to but I choose a loving relationship, but he doesn't see it that way.What should I do? What can I say to him to make him forgive me? I regret what I said and I'm upset that I hurt him and I don't want to lose him over something silly that I said.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (15 August 2015):
Uhhh.... You didn't say anything wrong AT ALL! Don't let his guilt trip convince you otherwise.
My wife was on a libido killing medication as well and the lack of intimacy (and sexual enjoyment) took a huge toll on our relationship which we're trying to fix now. She actually told me to go find someone else too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): Leave him alone and he'll get over it. He needs recovery time for whatever ails him that requires that kind of medication. If you are aware the medication affects his ability to have sex, why did you bother? If someone tells you they're not in the mood; why didn't you take him at his word, and leave it alone?
He took your words at face-value. You could get sex somewhere else if you wanted to. Then the rest of what you said was to clean it up. Men are pretty sensitive when we can't fully function, and that translates into weakness. Being limp for any reason isn't funny. It's serious business. He's being oversensitive. If he's on meds, he's not himself anyway.
It isn't so much his ego, as it was you pressing him knowing his problem. Placing him on the spot and hurting his feelings. He didn't want to come right out and say
"he couldn't!" That would be emasculating. Nor was he asking for your pity.
He's a big boy, and he will get-over the sulking. Just back-off and be patient.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 August 2015):
 You said nothing wrong. Nothing to apologize for.
Let him sulk a while. Don't chase him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): Yes you are right. He thinks he's in the right and I'm not. I feel bad for making him upset, I don't want to belittle his manhood at all and I'm worried that he thinks that I'm something I'm not. He normally stews for a few days and doesn't talk to me and I hate it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2015):
 I think he is taking his issue out on you, and that isn't fair.
I don't think what you said what wrong or cold, you stated the truth - did you not? You COULD go out and have sex with a Tom, Dick or Harry - but you CHOOSE to be with him and remain faithful - because THAT is what you think people in a relationship do. So no, I don't think you need to apologize at all.
Hi is USING any and everything YOU say to make up arguments with you, so he doesn't have to deal with the real issue - the real issue being having problems with his "manhood".
As for you, I would suggest you back of the sex issue a while. I think you asking HIM for sex makes him feel emasculated because HE can't give you that due to the meds. I'm not saying that YOU can't ask for sex ever again, but for new I'd back off. I get that you want to be intimate in your relationship (who doesn't?) For now though, he can't handle it.
He is pushing you away, while making you think it's your fault when it is NOT. THAT is not very nice of him.
IF you feel like he took what you said the wrong way, I would tell him. Though I'm not sure he will listen, as he is armpit deep in his own "woe is me".. right now.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 August 2015):
Libido issues are one of the things that can most drastically affect a man's ego. They feel like they are not a man at all if they can't do the deed. My husband struggled with this for a while and pressing the issue always, always made it worse.
I think the things that he said were far more cruel than anything you said. I think you're handling the situation correctly but he is having serious insecurities over his lack of sex drive. Not much you can do besides continue to be patient and gently press him to see a doctor. But I don't think you have anything to apologize for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): I'm the original poster -
I've just tried talking to him. He won't listen. He's just said he suggests that I go sleep with someone else because that's what I seem to want to do. He said he's going to run it by everyone at work what I said and get their opinion, he reckons that they're all going to agree with him that I'm out of order. Unfortunately I got upset and tried telling him he means the world to me and I tried reassuring him that I want him, he kept saying back to me that how would I feel if he said if he could get sex elsewhere he would? I kept saying he's taken it completely wrong and just won't listen to me! I don't know what to do he just doesn't see my side!!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (15 August 2015):
He needs to get a grip. He pushed and pushed you. In the end you actually said something that should have reassured him, by pointing out that you choose a relationship with him. He already knew you had the option open to you of getting sex elsewhere even before you said it, so he’s completely overreacted. It’s foolish of him still to be whining about it when he started it and his comments about how upset he is are completely over the top. The truth is that he is probably not acting rationally because whatever is stressing him is not only preventing him from relaxing enough to enjoy any intimacy, but is making him insecure and hypersensitive because he’s not dealing properly with it. Approach him and tell him that the argument you’ve had needs to be sorted out. I learned long ago that if you feel you are in the right (and I think you were) and therefore don’t feel that you’d be being honest if you apologised, instead tell him you are sorry that he felt hurt by anything you said. Explain that your comment was intended to prove to him that you stay exclusively with him because that is what you want, and that you don’t want to make the choice to cheat. Then tell him how frustrated you were by his continually repeating his challenge to you to find sex elsewhere and how hurtful it was. Explain that you want to enjoy your intimacy with him and how rejected you feel when he keeps turning you away. You have needs, and you shouldn’t be afraid to remind him of that. Perhaps he is worried that his medication or his anxiety will affect his performance, and you could perhaps help by telling him that you’re happy just to try with no expectations, or that sometimes intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to an attempt at full sex. As for his comments, once you’ve told him how upset you are, allow him also to explain himself and, perhaps, apologise. Tell him that you are concerned that something is on his mind and remind him that you are there to listen and support if he wishes to share. There’s no point forcing him to. Will the floodgates open and everything be sorted? Probably not, but he might go away and process this conversation and make more of an effort, at least not to say such cruel things and to consider how much of this is his own insecurity.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): hi.
I don't think you have said anything here that is awful at all.
sounds like you are both struggling for different reasons.
you because you love this man and want a full relationship that includes being intimate, and him because he feels inadequate and that he isn't good enough to meet your needs.
is he depressed? he is obviously very stressed and finding things hard to cope with. This said, you also have feelings and are trying to cope oath what looks like a really difficult and prolonged problem , leaving you both frustrated and hurting.
could his medication be reviewed given its effect? what about some counselling either for him or the two of you to get you through this together?
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