A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 31. I met my present fiancé about four years ago and we've been in a committed long distance relationship. He's 48 and twice divorced previously. We've always got along well. Needless to say, I love him very deeply. Over the past three weeks, he seems to have changed. He doesn't call me much. When we have an argument, he cuts me off completely, doesn't take calls or respond to texts, even though he knows that such things cause me great emotional distress. He never admits blame for anything and even if we argue about a petty matter, he brings up things from several years ago to score a point. When I tell him I'm suffering because of his conduct, he shrugs and says that he too has gone through a lot of insecurity and pain in our relationship and that if he could survive, I can too. I've asked him whether he loves someone else. He denies it. I've asked him why he's never ever mentioned any issues he's had with me. He refuses to reply and point blank refuses to communicate. When he does communicate, he's sarcastic and insulting. I've seen a certain ruthlessness in him which I had never noticed before. He seems like he's a different person. I've repeatedly asked him whether he wants to break up but he says he doesn't. Yet he's cold to me and unaffectionate. I don't know what is happening. I have cried myself to sleep every day for three weeks. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been another three weeks. He called maybe twice in this period. He won't take my calls. He says he loves me and in the same breath says incredibly vile and insulting things to me....like when I was crying on the phone, he laughed at me. I don't know how to put this across...but this wasn't a toxic relationship from the beginning. We were really happy for nearly 4 years. I was always happy and he seemed always happy. It was beyond beautiful. And then the last two months changed everything. He said he's signed up for counselling because he feels a "block" inside himself. I suspect his is a classic case of passive aggressive behaviour. I feel scared to terminate this relationship. I have cried for hours every single day for the last three weeks just imagining that it's over between us. I feel unable to move on...like I'm paralysed. I am scared of dying alone. I am scared of not being able to forget him. I am desperately unhappy.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 May 2015):
Not exactly what I would call prince charming but at least you are seeing this side now. This is a part of him. Which you should consider before pursuing anything with him. Also, 48 and divorced twice? You will have the world of baggage to go through before you even know if he is decent or not. Three weeks seems like too long to be this bitter, so I think he has deep serious issues.
My best advice would to end this relationship. If you stay, this will be your choice but I promise you can not change him. Only he can change himself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 What HE wants is not the issue.
IF you are unhappy then what do YOU want.
If he's not treating you the way you want to be treated then by all means ending it seems like the best idea.
You can't change anyone....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 He does not want to break up- as long as he is not the one who has to adjust , or change communication and fighting styles.
At 47 people are pretty much who they are, they don't just turn into their evil twin overnight. Simply, before you had not chanced into the catalyst that triggers in him ( and / or in you ) certain reactions and calls out certain sides of his ( and your ) personality. I think you have pretty much seen what's his M.O. in case of petty arguments etc. He is touchy, holds grudges ad does not back off- not even to spare your feelings.
Another thing is the age difference that may be acting up eventually, I have seen it happen time and again, and , a bit, I have been guilty of this myself :
in a May/December r/ship, the older partner at first feels very protective, very , well, parental toward the younger one, so is very attentive to not wound their sensitivy, to reassure him / her. In time, this gets a bit stale, and the older person's attitude becomes " grow up already. So you feel insecure ? Tough luck. Deal with it . Each of us have our own challenges ". That's what you call " ruthless " probably... and I am not saying that
his is always the right attitude to take, just that it HAPPENS .
It seems that you two are not fully compatible ( otherwise why you would even be fighting about something PETTY ? and before you say " all couples have their ups and down over trivial stuff " , or " all couples bicker "- heck no. This is a myth, already debunked by psychological research. )
It's up to you to evaluate how much this not total compatibility influences the overall balance and happiness of your couple. If BASICALLY you two get along, share the same values and goals , treat each other well, and act/ feel as equals within the r/ship.... well, now you know also that he handles disagreements in a punitive way, by distancing himself. Not saying that's a great personality trait to have, but, again, it all depends .
If you feel that this is a deal breaker and his aloofness and stubborness are something that you just can't take, - then you have to take the initiative to break up, because this IS how he is going to react in future too. People only change if they want to change, and if they think that their behaviour creates a problem for THEM, in their own eyes. They won't change for you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, he is the one who wants to get married. I've always been a bit ambivalent about it. I have tried not contacting him for several days but it doesn't seem to make a difference to him. He is sort of trying to punish me and put me in my place but I don't know what I've done to deserve this. We were incredibly close and warm and life was beautiful till we had a really petty argument and I saw a side to him that I never knew existed. He's full of grudges, bitterness and hostility and during a fight, he doesn't care what he does or says and how much it impacts the other person. The way he's treated me for the past three weeks is simply cruel and cold. I feel as if I ought to leave him but I keep hoping that he will go back to being how I thought he was and will make things all right. I've built up my world around him...my hopes, dreams, aspirations. I have even taken a transfer to a foreign country just to be close to him. But I don't like the vindictiveness and cruelty that I've seen in him lately. I don't know whether I can reconcile to these new developments. Please help me, I'm losing my sanity!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 May 2015):
 He doesn't want to break up, that means he wants to keep you at a distance but still meet up with you whenever he's lonely. Because you are engaged you can't play that "just enjoy each other while you can" game. You expect a certain date for marriage and when to move in together.
He's a twice divorced man. It changes how a man looks at marriage forever. Maybe it is his distance, his aloofness that caused his ex wives to get fed up with him. It's also possible he's not over his ex wife and was jumping in a relationship with you. He got carried away with a new chance at life. He felt young again by being with you, but when it comes to reality, building a life together, he's pausing and not sure if he feels that deep to commit.
He's become a shell of his former self and probably doesn't have much to offer you. Give him a week of space and not asking him questions. Then see what effort he makes to keep you. You are still young and have energy. Don't let him bring you down.
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