A
male
age
41-50,
*enjo
writes:Hi my girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and it's been great, we both love each other very much. However over the last say 2 months we have had a tendancy to have an argument about something pretty silly then get angry at each other. It gradually became worse and she caused a few arguments which really upset me as I really did love her and didn't see why it was happening, I thought about ending it as I didn't want to get hurt and believed I could distance myself. However she begged me for another chance on two occasions and of course I did it as I love her and wanted everything to be great again.However 2 weeks ago I was out with some friends and was stood talking to one of my best friends and his girlfriend. My gf saw this and mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that I was chatting this girl up, strange as she does trust me and has no reason not to, she knows I would never cheat but we were both drunk and to be fair my friends gf was in fancy dress as a clown and at the time i was wearing the comedy overtrousers.Anyway, the first thing i did when my gf came up behind me is say Hi as I was pleased to see her and hugged her but I could tell something was wrong by her body language, she walked off and I didn't understand what was happening but she came back and poured a bottle of beer down the trousers I had on. I was so upset as this was in front of all my friends and I didn't understand why, i felt she had no regard for our relationship as she didnt even take 10 seconds to find out who this girl was and she knew we were trying not to argue as a result of past problems.I really loved her and and that is why i was so hurt, I was frustrated at why she would treat me like this but didnt really stop to think what had I done to cause this problem. I left the bar and she tried to follow, I jumped in a taxi as I was angry and didn't want to shout at her. Anyway she rang and text me alot in the following days trying to talk to me but I was still so angry and upset and my way of dealing with the problem was to not speak to her so I didn't shout at her or anything. A few days later i eventually replied and I was still angry, I said that i was upset at what she had done and the way things were going I didn't see any future for us - I didn't really mean this as I still hope for one now, I think I should have said i needed time to sort my head out before we spoke. Anyway she said do you mean that and a angrily replied yes and didn't hear from her again.A few days later it was Saturday night again and I was still upset but really missing her - I didn't know what to do at which point she saw me in the bar and came over, she said i was a nice person and now that we were over she didn't want us not to speak, all of which was a surprise to me as I wasn't thinking we had finished, she said she had been out having fun and drinking with her friends all week, she had been upset at first and cried but then accepted it and moved on as it wasn't working. She even said one of her old male friends had offered to take her out to cheer her up. All of this just broke my heart as in a few minutes I learned the person I loved considered herself not with me anymore, had moved on and was possibly with somebody else - all this and I hadn't even been cheating like she thought. Again I walked away as I was upset.Since then I've done a huge amount of thinking and realised that although I am a loving person and do think the world of her I obviously wasn't dealing with our problems properly as I made her think we were over when I didn't want to be, also I think I wasn't always as loving as I should have been , there were times when she would hug me for example and I would only hug her briefly, I don't know why I was like this as I loved her very much. I think in some crazy way i was trying to protect myself, i've been hurt before and at times had even convinced myself I didn't really love her when I blatantly do very much.I'm so hurt and since my realisations we've met up twice and I have told her the things I realised I was doing wrong. I have apologised and asked her for a chance to make things up to her, the first time she told me she still loved me and we ended up kissing and she spent the night at my house. Afterwards she told me she needed time to think so i left things for a day or two. A friend at work advised that if i really cared I should fight for her and show her how much i loved her which seemed right so I tried ringing her but she didnt answer, I text her alot for a couple of days asking what she was thinking and just talking about my thoughts and what i wanted to do differently, how happy i wanted to make her and how much i still loved her - she didn't reply and i felt awful. I bought her some flowers to give her on Sunday after waking up and just starting to cry as I missed her so much, she didn't reply still so I rang her house phone. This took her by surprise as I never do this, she answered and just said she'd been out all night and was too tired to talk. I got her to agree to speak to me later on that day after she slept.I waited about 6 hours then tried to ring her but was ignored again, eventually late on the evening she answered one of my calls and said she was tired and going to bed, I pleaded with her and got her to agree to come and sit in my car if i drove round for a quick chat. I took the flowers and again said how sorry I was , how much i loved her and how much i wanted to put things right. She spent the whole time not looking at me, hardly saying a word and texting someone on her phone which made me feel terrible. She said she needed time to think as I asked her for a second chance again, something which I had previously done for her more than once. She said she would let me know.It's now 4 days later, I have text her for 2 of the days several times just chatting and making my feelings clear, I wanted to make her realise I do really care as I believe we're worth fighting for. She repled only once on 2nd day saying she needed time to be alone and sort her head out so I said I understood. Yesterday was the 3rd day I text only once on the evening telling her i was still thinking of her and hope to make things up to her. I said I would not text anymore so she could think which I haven't.I don't know what to do, should I wait and see what she says? Maybe she'll never reply, maybe she's with or being chatted up up by someone else and is going to move on, maybe she is alone and trying to sort her head out. The waiting is killing me, I've barely ate for days. My heart hasn't stopped pounding for over a week. Should i give up and move on even though I love her so much? I know she did love me very, very much and I don't see how she can be over it so quickly, it's upsetting as I really love her too and I know we can make each other very happy, I've also admitted my problems and firmly believe we'd be happier if we tried again. And why don't I deserve a chance after she had a few? I think i've spent too many days texting her and apologising in an attempt to make her realise I do care, that she's started to believe it's all me and forgotten how good a boyfriend I was, and that ultimately, I think she should have maybe taken a moment to find out who I was actually speaking to before throwing beer over me, no matter if she was drunk or not. Of course it's taken this to make me realise how much I really want to be with her and that I wasn't dealing with our problems properly so i'm not perfect either :(I'm sorry for such a long story, believe it or not it's even more complicated than this as I suppose relationships always are but any advice will be really appreciated, I feel terrible here. Thanks guys.Ben
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (16 November 2007):
 In a moment of weakness, or drunken-ness she may have dialed your number with the possibility of talking to you. Then again, she may have dialed your number out of habit, and quickly hung up once she realized she had mis-dialed you. I did that once. My b/f's number ended in 4 digits that were very similar to a girlfrien of mine, and sometimes I'd accidentally dial one, when I meant to the dial the other because they were almost identical. Since she hasn't explained what she was thinking that night and has in fact, completely ignored you, I think it's safe to say she has nothing more to say on the subject and has indeed moved on. I can't help but think she may have been getting bored in the relationship long before you guys actually broke up. That would explain why it was so easy for her to flip the switch off and move on right away. Women don't normally do this, unless they already had one foot out the door to begin with. Try to get back in the swing of things and keep your mind occupied, so you'll be less likely to be depressed by the situation. I wish you the best.
A
male
reader, Benjo +, writes (12 November 2007):
Benjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope you don't mind but I would like to follow up on this question, I seem to be going through hell at the moment - hoping you can point me in the right direction again.
I listened to all advice on here and left everything as it was, didn't call or text her. However on Saturday I was out with some friends and shortly after midnight she rings my phone. I don't know why she rang, I couldn't answer at the time and she left no message. I muddled this over for 3 hours and realised that I needed to know why so I tried to ring her back when i got home but no answer, so I then decided to send a very short text saying 'Hi, why did you ring me?'
She didn't reply to this all day yesterday (Sunday) and it being Monday now I assume I won't get one. I now feel ten times worse again as I was trying to move. I've had to call in sick for work today as I just can't sleep or concentrate on anything. I basically just lay thinking and watching the night pass last night - it's awful.
What should I do? I can't understand why I'm being completely ignored, shouldn't she at least have the decency to explain why she rang me first on Saturday night, especially as I had respected her request and gave her space.
I think maybe she is moving on and since I told her all the things I wanted to put right and apologised I've made things very easy for her as maybe she's thinking I'm just sat waiting for her. I'm not really the type of person to do that and have decided that no answer is worse than no so i've basically assumed the answer when I asked to try again was no and tried to move on - but I haven't progressed at all, in fact i'm back where I started after the call on Saturday as i've done nothing but wonder.
I keep imagining her with somebody else and even worse was she the person I thought anyway as I can't believe she is treating me like this and just leaving me hanging after she told me I'd get an answer once she'd thought about things - which was over a week ago.
As you can tell i've thought about things far too much, any advice you can offer me is much appreciated.
Thank you
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (8 November 2007):
I see three things that are fueling these problems: 1. Your g/f made a wrong assumption and has yet to admit or apologize for her own behavior in over-reacting. She also failed to listen to reason when it was given to her. 2. You failed to tell her what you really needed to say that night, not just what your anger was prompting you to say. Never tell someone you want a relationship to be over unless you really do. Those extreme statements can cost you dearly in the long run. Some things cannot be un-done. No matter how mad you are, tell the truth. Simply say, "I am very angry about the way you acted at the bar, but I still love you and we need to discuss this problem without over-reacting this time...." Instead, you told her you wanted the relationship to be over with, you gave her no choice but to agree to your freedom. Even though you may not have meant it, she is now too prideful to allow you back in because you have wounded her ego. She called you on something, however wrong it was, and expected you to explain and perhaps grovel a bit, but she never expected to be so worthless in your eyes that you'd pull the plug. Now her pride is standing in the way of her heart - and pride to a young woman is a powerful thing. And #3 (you thought I forgot, didn't you?) You are both still fairly young and stubborn, each in your own way. Before a woman can give her heart completely, she has to somehow believe she has some kind of power over you. It's silly, but it's part of the game between men and women. Men want to feel like their needed for their strength and their willpower, and women want to feel like you can't live without them. By ending the relationship with her over this fight, you told her that she is not needed by you anymore. At this point, you have done everything possible to fix the damage between the two of you. Now the ball is in her court. Stop texting her. Stop calling her. Back off and let her come to you. If she loves you, she will eventually push her pride aside and offer you the next twig of compromise. Then you can start again and this time -- no jumping to conclusions (her) without getting the facts (something women are famous for doing!) and you, no sounding off with extreme statements you know you don't really mean. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Hello,Ive read your post twice just so that I can make sure that I did not miss anything. I think that she needs time and some space. It does not sound like she wants to reconcile. She also sounds a bit immature. Throwing beer on you in a bar! The mature thing to do would have been to come over and introduce herself and find out who the woman was. She is not making any effort, as much as you love her she has to be willing to fight for this relationship as much as you are. She may be upset, but I think you have made it obvious that you did not want to break up and that you want to reconcile. Now the ball is in her court.
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A
male
reader, Benjo +, writes (8 November 2007):
Benjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Minelisse,
I see what you are saying and it does seem like that from what i've written - however it's not the case, we did see each other 3/4 times a week at least and were constantly in touch however we were both of the mindset that as we both had a good circle of friends we would usually go out with them on a Saturday and meet up with each other later on and always went home together. I'm not just idealising it now we're over I promise :)
We did do loads together and it was always fun, that's why this is such a shame to me, it seems over a misunderstanding in a message I sent (my fault for not communicating properly) she has thought I'd left her and tried to move on.
Great advice tho, it's exactly what i'm doing to be honest - guess I just miss her.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Hi!
There is a song that says that when a woman decides to forget there's nothing changing her mind. That, however, is untrue in some cases. If she does love you still, she will come back to you, when she is ready.
The thing about ending a relationship is that even though you may formally and physically accept the relationship is over, feelings are much harder to contain. I believe she needs the time and space to sort things out and thats not your choice to make. It is very difficult to stand by, but you have to choose if that is what you want to do. Obviously how you are waiting is your choice also: do things that interest you, go out with old friends, join a class of something... don't be waiting for the phone to ring. Enjoy every day as life does go by!
There is something puzzling though in what you stated. It seems you were used to hanging out apart from each other. I don't know if this is a sign of something going wrong (other than the beer in your pants), but I think you should also spend some of this time thinking about what was your relationship like and figuring out if this is something YOU want. Not just idealizing it because you feel you've lost her. Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, Benjo +, writes (8 November 2007):
Benjo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it's fair to say we have both hurt each other recently and it's so silly, possible we were began to take each other for granted at times. I would say I was certainly guilty of that. Does this mean we should give up?
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